Why You Should Save All Your Deep Fried Twinkie Gorging For The Fair


Who doesn’t love a fair or a carnival? It’s as American as apple pie, which you can deep-fry and cover in powdered sugar and also maybe Oreo crumbles and some whip cream with strawberry sauce. Man, fairs are great. And so is frying stuff. Hostess knows that you like the fried version of their stuff and they’re clearly tired of being played as a sucker by the carnies in the Twinkie aftermarket who are making money hand over fist by slinging deep-fried Twinkies for fun-loving fair-goers.

That’s why Hostess teamed up with Wal-Mart to try and bring the magic of crisp, golden, cream-stuffed cake-things into their stores (hopefully within sight of the diabetic testing kits and test strips) and your home.

Battered and partially fried before being frozen, the Twinkies need to be finished for a short time in the oven, toaster oven or frying pan. They’ll cost $4.76 for a box of seven and for the first three months are available only at Wal-Mart. (Via The AP)

What’s this “finished” sh*t? If Dominos can concoct a driving pizza oven and the Pizza-Bot 9000 (suggested title), why can’t Hostess innovate some kind of fry oil incubator to keep these bad boys ever-crisp and ready? What’s the value of this great leap forward in what-we-want-when-we-want-it-ness if there’s a DIY element? The injustice. And even more seriously, doesn’t this whole thing defeat the purpose of what fair food like fried twinkies is supposed to be? A treat and part of a larger experience.

A fair is about escape and joy and giving yourself a treat like a simple deep-fried twinkie. You’re chucking balls at bottles to win plush things. You’re riding a piece of carpet down a slide that’s been polished slick by thousands of butts before you. You’re eating food passed to you by a dead-eye high schooler who’s been wearing the same latex gloves for three days straight WHICH TOTALLY DEFEATS THE PURPOSE! More than anything, the fair is about adventure and risk, is what I’m saying.

At home, you are sensible Jim with an intimate knowledge of what low-fat salad dressing pairs best with kale (all of them). At the fair, you are a wild motherf*cker with abundant faith in your cholesterol medication and a deep desire to wrap cotton candy around a corn dog while keeping an eye trained on the turkey leg that the guy across the aisle has his hands on. A culinary rumspringa! That’s what you’re on. And that’s fine because it’s a rare thing. But once you try to bring the fair home in a box from Wal-Mart it becomes too easy, too common, and far less adventurous. Do you think the deep-fried twinkie will taste as good as you sit on your couch after popping it out of the toaster absent the youth-restoring sounds of laughter and the sights of flashing neon? Absent the total fair experience? For $4.76, you can find out seven times, but the fact is you’re going to be disappointed, even if a delicious Twinkie is just a scrumptious Twinkie at the end of the day.