Life

The Robot Uprising Is Here And They’re Coming For Your Self-Worth First

We all know the scary stories: I, Robot; Robocop; Terminator. The machines are poised to take over the world and bring the human race to its knees. Recently, Google company Boston Dynamics added to the potential paranoia when they released new footage of their remarkable humanoid robot. Named like a child of Gwyneth Paltrow, Atlas has the potential to inspire fear of human enslavement in the hearts and minds of conspiracy theorists and sci-fi fans everywhere.

But, the one thing it should actually do for everyone is trigger a little bit of self-loathing because, truly, this robot is living your best life. Next time you feel a sense of superiority because all your manual labor will soon be done by a robot, you might want to consider the following ways that the robot is superior to you and slow your roll.

It can drop pounds like a mofo

Are you still hanging on to those pesky holiday pounds? Do you occasionally have beer and ice cream for dinner? Do you wear yoga pants not because you do yoga but because they are all that fits right now? You might want to change that by losing weight, but the process is so hard and boring. Who can actually get it done?

Not to size shame or anything, but Atlas dropped 120 pounds between its first version and the present one. That is some Biggest Loser level slimming, and it didn’t have to consider Dancing to the Oldies, wiring its jaw shut, or subjugating itself to a gym membership.

It is totally zen

Do you know what you would do if someone asked you to pick up a box and then used a hockey stick to smack it out of your hands and move it out of your reach? You would either go HAM or cry. You might do both simultaneously. You certainly wouldn’t keep trying to pick up the box.

Atlas is your superior because it is just that chill. Once it has a goal, there is no good or bad; there just is. Like killing its handlers and all other humans. What?!

It was birthed by a village

Seven whole computer research teams from around the world contributed to the creation of Atlas’ brain. Potentially, more people contributed to Atlas than read the Hillary Rodham Clinton book that coined the phrase “it takes a village.”

Who worked on you? Yeppers, you had two boring people (probably without advanced computer science degrees) who threw some random genetic material into the mix and hoped that you wouldn’t inherit your mom’s original nose or your dad’s pancake butt.

It has a job waiting for it and no student loans

Yeah, yeah, you have a fancy college degree and you somehow managed to squeeze your way into a career in the present dire job market. Congratulations. But, the job probably doesn’t pay enough to cover all of that money you owe the government that funded the education, does it?

Meanwhile, Atlas is training to perform disaster recovery. How cool does that sound? Disaster recovery: all that prestige and job stability to boot. Atlas will never have to stay late to make copies or walk 42 blocks to work because it can’t afford to pay for parking or Uber.

It doesn’t stress about being sexy

You make sure your clothes are clean, your body is clean, and your hair is clean. You probably claim to do it for hygienic reasons or because you “just feel better” when you aren’t greasy and crusted with the remains of yesterday’s Taco Bell binge. But, we all know you are really driven by your burning desire to have the sex.

While you are busy worrying about whether or not you can get laid, Atlas is serenely stacking boxes and taking long nature walks in the snow. Media pressure to conform to a certain body standard doesn’t leave Atlas bemoaning its short hydraulic legs. Plus, it only has a single lube concern and it isn’t the same one that you have.

It won’t be killed by a Medic Alert accident

When you get old and frail, television has assured us that you will fall and not be able to get up. Ideally, your Medic Alert necklace will save the day. However, there is always the remote chance that it may get stuck on your walker and strangle you to death like an 86-year-old Pennsylvania woman. Atlas, on the other hand, leaps back up like a champ every single time it is knocked down, and that won’t ever change.

Atlas is basically the embodiment of everything your mom wanted you to be. Be better, humans. The robot uprising is upon us and they’re aiming for our self worth first.

×