Amazon is a pretty easy wormhole to get lost in. From the weird to the incredibly useful, you can find everything you’ve ever wanted or needed. You craving unicorn meat? They have it. Ever wondered how to avoid big ships? They’ll tell you. And you can buy anything from electronics to sex toys to grocery items. They’ve simply cornered the market on “stuff.”
So we decided to look at what was trending right… NOW! on the site and see if we could find some gems. Which proved bad for our wallets, because we happen to need every one of the amazing items on this list.
This does TEN DIFFERENT THINGS.
Its various functions are described as: “1. Masher, 2. Pick, 3 Mesh cutter, 4.Lemon squeezer, 5. Bowl, 6. Avocado Scoop, 7.Citrus Cutter, 8. Apple cutter, 9. Grater, 10. Grater squeezer”
Does it matter that you don’t completely understand what all of those things are? No. No, it does not. Is a mesh cutter, scissors? What the F**K is a “grater squeezer”? What do they mean by “pick”? These are confusing times.
Like any good kitchen item, it makes you question everything about it, and perhaps (by default) even your own existence. What’s a “Grater Squeezer? Also, what is “God?” Who are you in the universe and what is the meaning of life? We may never know. But this gadget is about discovering those great life questions together….while eating fruit. And isn’t THAT what life’s really about?
There are some things that your heart wants that your brain can’t possibly understand. One of those things is the Imperial Spherificator which I can only assume is named after a Star Wars ship that cuts other ships into tiny, spherical pieces. And I’m on board with that.
Supposedly, the Spherificator turns food into gel-like spheres like boba and YOU WANT IT. What are you going to turn into little delicious circle treats? EVERYTHING. And while I can’t possibly understand how it works…. Magic?… Who cares?…. I plan on spherifying all the things. Can you imagine how fancy you’ll look with your Dip N Dots style STEAK? CAN YOU? Probably not, because your brain doesn’t want you to have this (dumb brain). But trust me: You’ll look amazing.
Photos just sit on my phone doing absolutely nothing until I run out of storage room and can’t take pictures anymore. And believe me, that’s the exact moment when I catch a celebrity out in the wild. AND I CAN’T TAKE A PICTURE. It’s a nightmare.
With this cool little gadget, all you have to do is set up your phone and you can print your pictures out! Instant gratification. Then you can delete them off your phone and finally have the space to catch Justin Bieber riding a horse down Sunset Blvd.
Plus, you can finally print out selfies to your heart’s content to wallpaper your bathroom with or (in my case) just hundreds of pictures of your cat. Want to really impress someone? Take several fun pictures of blurry objects in the distance, print them out with this fancy machine, affix them to a map with pushpins in an erratic pattern, and then tie the pins together with different colored string. Add post-it notes that say things like “3PM Friday” and “Lindbergh Kidnapping” to your creation and you’re not just a photographer anymore. You’re a (100 percent) mentally stable pretend detective!
When I take my dog hiking, he first drinks all of the water I brought for him. Then he drinks all of mine (while I die of thirst). And then, as I’m wondering if I’ll pass out on a mountain and be eaten by coyotes, he runs up to strangers (drinking their own water) and begs for more. They often give him some while saying things like, “boy he sure is thirsty,” tsking, and staring at me like I’m just a monster who didn’t bring any water for her poor dog. Meanwhile, I’m the only one who is actually suffering (both physically and emotionally.)
Anyway, that’s an issue my dog and I need to work out in therapy, but I love this collapsible water bottle with drinking spout. My current method of getting him water is to pour the water slowly in my hand. It’s messy and frankly gross and wastes all kinds of water. Is that you, too? If you get this water bottle and spout, maybe you’ll actually be able to save your own water bottle for yourself and not sacrifice it to your greedy, greedy animal. (Also, even if you don’t buy this, or have a dog, click through to the product because the full name of this product is just too much to be believed. No one use this as a baby name! This one’s all mine!)
This looks like the beginning of a bad movie on the SyFy channel. This egg is definitely gestating an alien creature that feeds off of music vibrations. But who cares? IT FLOATS. And that looks so cool! And if it hatches and eats your dog you can always get a new one.
Yes, it only floats an inch or so off the ground. But find me a better egg that plays music and levitates.
Fact: There is nothing worse in the world than trying to spread cold butter on bread. There is no world conflict or tragedy bigger than you struggling futilely to get the pad onto the baguette as your knife scrapes layers of precious grain off.
This knife melts the butter as it spreads. Just imagine the luxury of always having soft butter just effortlessly grooving over your bagels, your toast, and your cornbread. It’s like everything you ever wanted and/or needed is right there. (Not your mom’s love, though. This knife only costs $55; it’s a useful gadget, not a miracle worker, you feel?)
This is just the most adorable thing in the world. It may not be ridiculously practical. Yes, probably we could all just do all those functions separately in our regular coffee pot, pan, and toaster. You’re absolutely right, of course, we could do all that — IF WE WERE BORING LOSERS WHO HATE WHIMSY.
But we’re not, are we? Because just look at this mini little breakfast machine just sitting there waiting to make all your dreams come true. How can you say no? Do you have a heart or are you a replicant? You’re not a replicant, right?
After seeing this, my only life goal became eating an egg in the shape of a horse. Or an elephant. Friends, we can all eat eggs that look like elephants! This is huge!
Imagine you wake up in your sunny loft in Brooklyn (because we’re in a fantasy here, and the economy is goooooood) and you sneak out of bed, leaving your lover warm under the covers. You return ten minutes later. With a plate. You put your hand on the shoulder of your crazy-hot paramour and whisper “baby, it’s time for breakfast. I made you an elephant.”
Now imagine the look of pure awe on their face. Because this isn’t just any breakfast in bed. It involves eggs in the shape of the largest living terrestrial mammals and vital internal organs — the ultimate romantic gesture. That man or woman in your bed will marry you right then and there. Because forget about diamonds, eggs are the most romantic gift on earth.
The description of this space age-y salt lamp says:
“Himalayan Salt is one of the precious and purest gifts of nature. The Elora emits negative ions that fight against electromagnetic radiation and fights fatigue and sluggishness; improve health ability; increase the flow of oxygen to the brain; protect against germs in the air; increase work productivity and creativity; improve bone strength; sleep better; wake refreshed; soothe allergies”
There’s a lot to unpack here, but TL;DR so I’m just going to assume this thing cures any and all diseases and the only reason they don’t have them in every hospital room is because of a conspiracy set forth by the government to keep you sick so that you don’t question the Kennedy assassination. Normal stuff.
Plus, I also assume it’s delicious. And Salty. Not that any human would EVER try to taste one in a Bed, Bath, and Beyond, and then be forcibly removed from the premises. Cough, cough.
Are you the kind of person who has knocked hundreds upon hundreds of coffee cups onto your computer? And your library books? And your baby? Have you started to wonder if you have some sort of horrible medical condition that causes you to be so clumsy and perhaps beginning to think that you should check in with a professional? Well, save your precious dollars and worry no more! This coffee cup will allow you to bump into, nudge it, or even hit it with your head as you collapse for an unknown reason and IT WON’T FALL OVER. (Note: None of this applies if you are Kathie Lee Gifford.)
Admittedly, I have never tried to slice a pineapple in my own home. But maybe that’s because I never had a perfect pineapple slicer. Maybe it’s because my parents never loved me enough to give me the only thing a child truly needs: a stainless steel pineapple slicer with several sharp and moving parts. Inconsiderate!
Maybe if we’d had this pineapple slicer growing up, we’d all have been better adjusted in the world. Maybe the decadence of such a device would have taught us to take what we wanted. Maybe we’d be these rich real estate moguls rolling in piles of cash, living the dream. Maybe we’d be president.
But no. We’ll never be any of those things because we never had this fantastic product. Thanks, mom. And thank you, Amazon, for letting us make up for what our parents couldn’t give us!
Okay, this is the coolest thing, a nickel that hides an SD card! Just think about what you can keep safe from spies! Like your 2010 tax returns or that meme your mom sent you of a dog hugging a duck. I don’t know! Sky’s the limit! Got any classified emails you don’t want people to see but need to keep around for blackmail purposes? JK! JK! JK! (but not really.)
The only drawback I can find is that this looks exactly like a real nickel so there IS a 90% you’re going to accidentally spend it. But isn’t life all about risks?
If you’ve ever wanted to be part of a major jewelry heist you NEED this lock picking kit. I can’t wait to impress all of my friends by breaking into their homes to hide in their closets while they’re at work. “Don’t worry,” I’ll say with a knowing wink and smile as they open the closet door to find me standing there, wearing all of their underwear over my clothes.
“I let myself in,” I’ll finish as they swing the baseball bat towards my head in pure fear. And then we’ll laugh and laugh on the way to the hospital. I really got them!
It’s also useful if you lock yourself out of your house and don’t want to pay an emergency locksmith $200. But that’s a little boring, tbh.
Is there a fiendish squirrel out there just mercilessly taunting you with his every move? Stealing the food out of your bird feeder, perhaps? Ruining your trees? Seducing your wife and giving her the greatest night of passion she’s ever experienced? Causing her to say, “That squirrel is more of a man than you’ll EVER be,” in front of all of your friends, family, and coworkers?
Well, this book will teach you how to outwit those squirrely beasts. Yes, they have a higher IQ than you. But they don’t have to OWN you. YOU are the man of your castle, and no squirrel is going to take that away from you. But he is going to probably take your wife and children away; the book can’t fix everything.
This alarm clock goes off and then jumps off the table and rolls away. Which is great if you’re a heavy sleeper who always hits snooze. And TERRIBLE if you ever want the beeping to stop. Because it’s going to roll somewhere you’ll never be able to find it.
Beep, Beep. Where is it coming from? Is it the closet where all your clothes lie on the floor? Beep, Beep. Is it under the bed, a place that you’ve never dusted? Beep. Beep. Beep. Under the dresser? BEEP. BEEP. BEEP. BEEP. BEEP. BEEP. Soon you’ll begin to wonder if the beeping is inside you. Learning your secrets, like that time you murdered….oh nevermind, you found it. It just rolled into the bathroom.
Wake up in a blind panic every morning! Finally!