It’s almost Christmas. Get ready for a scourge of holiday classics performed by “today’s hottest artists,” and ever-present reminders that now is the time to love, share, and embrace our communities by drinking our Starbucks sugar stew from festive cups. Of course the most important part of the holiday season is making sure to get the best presents at the cheapest prices so that the people you care about/ kinda-like/ are related to (ugh, aunt Judy) know that you didn’t forget.
On top of all those gifts, you also probably have a forced White Elephant exchange between co-workers to prepare for. This odd little tradition can lead to a wide range of emotions spanning from “Oh, okay this wasn’t so bad” to “If you thought my gift was sh*t why didn’t you come right out and say it to my face instead of sending a company-wide email about spending limits?” (Source: experience.)
We don’t want that to happen this year! So we’ve put together a guide of awesome things you can get on Amazon that will arrive just in time for that party with colleagues you only see socially once a year. Check it out! (And remember this fun tip: If none of the other gifts are good, you can always try to surreptitiously trade back for the present you brought and then keep it for yourself or return it for a full refund!) (Source: experience!)
Uranium Ore — $39.95
Take the party from boring to “Schrodinger’s idea of a good time!?” by introducing naturally-occurring radioactive elements to the gift pile. Work has a policy against potentially dangerous gifts? No problem, because this tiny bit of uranium isn’t meant to start a war — it’s meant to test geiger counters and do “nuclear experiments” (that’s according to its Amazon description). Plus it comes in a clearly marked package and complies to all “postal regulations,” which is all you can ask from your web-purchased uranium these days.
Just make sure you have appropriate expectations before you buy:
1500 Live Ladybugs (Approximately) — $19.00
Did you know that having a ladybug stop on your hand (or any other part of your body) is a sign of good luck? It is! And if having just one alight upon your person promises only a bit of good fortune, imagine what kind of magic 1500 (approximately) live insects shipped right to your door can do!
Know someone who’s trying to better their life and make 2017 “their year”? Then cross your fingers that they pick this small (but very important) present when their turn comes. Watch their lives transform as over a thousand aphid-eaters swarm them — provided the bugs did not die in transit and the recipient follows all directions before releasing them out into the world.
If ladybugs aren’t exactly the right prescription for a complete life transformation, then perhaps a well-reviewed book about harnessing your inner strength will do the trick.
Worried that the giftee might be offended by a self-help tome? Not this one! Because it’s not about Feeling the Fear or Not Walking On Eggshells. It’s not about men being from one planet on which we have not yet established that life can be sustained and women being from another, even hotter and more dangerous part of the solar system. It’s not about loving too much. Or loving too little. Or loving just right. Or using as many curse words as you can in the title.
It’s about being a badass, and everyone wants to be a badass.
Aqua Notes — $7.42
This is perfect for the person who always says “I had the best thought in the shower but I totally forgot it because you can’t write in the shower,.” You know exactly who we’re talking about (it could be you!) and here’s your chance to prove them wrong! Show that person that it’s not the lack of waterproof paper that’s stopping their genius ideas, it’s just that they never had any in the first place!
The reviews are good, but they strongly suggest you need to write regularly, lest the paper lose its waterproof coating and become a giant soggy mess. Includes 40 sheets and a pencil!
Dreamfarm Tapi Fountain Rubber Tap — $15.10
Turn any sink (but let’s face it, we’re all going to be using this in the bathroom because the water is just colder and more delicious there) into a drinking fountain! No cup? No problem! Who cares if you look silly drinking water this way? It’s more sanitary than just putting your mouth on the tap and it eliminates the tiresome chore of having to wash a cup every time you want a drink from the faucet. (Although you probably should wash this thing pretty regularly, too.)
Potty Piano — $22.99
This classy little number won’t just amuse, it’ll help people overcome their bathroom boredom and shyness as well. Imagine learning to play the piano instead of looking at your phone for two hours every time you go to the bathroom! Imagine covering up every rude or embarrassing body noise with the polite tinkling of piano keys! Imagine associating the tickling of the ivories with the tinkling of the….you get the picture. Fun!
Unicorn Meat — $14.07
Magically delicious and an excellent source of both sparkles and revenge (if you, like one reviewer, gift it to your unicorn fanatic of a mom for ruining Christmases past), this gift will be sure to please even the most discerning gourmand. According to some, it’s even better than centaur — although you have to be reasonable here, there’s no way it’s ever going to be as good as if you were eating this horned creature fresh. We at Uproxx prefer farm-to-table unicorn.
Warning: Does not grant wishes! That’s unicorn blood and it’s significantly more expensive.
Dancing With Cats — $11.32
Can you believe this book is a sequel? Can you fathom the fact that it’s a follow-up to an international best-seller about painting cats? Did you know that this is the special 15th-anniversary edition of this magical photo book? Bet you didn’t! But you do now. Buy it for anyone who likes a good laugh, impressing others with their “quirky” tastes in coffee table books, or as a cheap act of “I got you something, so now you have to get me something back” manipulation!
Also recommended: Extraordinary Chickens, a photo book of chickens that all look the same.
A real human finger (sourced ethically and legally per description) that’s just perfect for giving to that special someone at the office. Why is it on Amazon? Your guess is as good as ours! Reviews say “it gets the job done,” which could literally mean anything, but we’re guessing no one is actually buying these to teach medical students about bones.
Senior Woman with Asthma Inhaler Peel and Stick Wall Decal — $25.47-$73.92
You know those commercials where a kid comes home from camp or school or wherever they were sent to give their parents just a tiny break from the rigors of trying to raise humans right and teach them morals and they (the kid) open the door to their room and are astounded to find that it has been converted from a mundane suburban bedroom into an outsized fantasy world thanks to a huge decal? Yeah, this is just like that, except instead of Shaq or the boys of One Direction, you’ve got a grandma trying to live a little longer by taking a few puffs from her inhaler.
This baby comes in sizes that range from severely unpleasant to outright offensive and is only one in a line of many, many such strange and beautiful decals — including one of a barely smiling asian teenager (male), one of a bitten into bologna sandwich, and another that’s meant to look like a 48-inch curved TV while providing none of the uses of today’s modern technology.
It’s Jeff Goldblum and a bonobo, and it’s worth every penny of the $250 that the creator isn’t asking for it. Why isn’t this in your cart already? Did you not see the part about there being only five left in stock? What else are you going to put in the gift basket with the Nicholas Cage pillowcage and lip gloss? (Yes, there’s Nicholas Cage lip gloss. Click the link. Buy it all. Watch the world burn.)
The description says this:
This is one of our nicest displays of the Ark of the Covenant. The Cast Metal Ark is covered with Gold and sits on a Copper base that says “Ark of the Covenant” This elegant design is perfect for display in offices, congregations, bookshelves etc. You will get a lot of ooohs and awwws and questions about. “Where did you get that!” The top comes off and you can put special items inside. A mirror is at the bottom of the inside. Very good quality!
But the top review says this:
Ark is quite large and heavy. Needed 8 Egyptian laborers to move and open crate. Would advise taking back one kadam to honor the Hebrew God who’s ark this is. Face melts off anyone who opens it, but lid does make a very satisfying thud when dropped from a great height. Will probably move to storage – good thing I got a great deal on all these matching crates and storage shelving.
So, be careful?
Three Sloth Moon T-Shirt — $17.95-$18.95
This. This is what you’re going to put in that gift basket with the Nicholas Cage pillow and the Jeff Goldblum shower curtain. Glad we figured that out together.
World’s Largest Gummy Worm (3 LB) — $23.95
This one tastes like blue raspberries, but it comes in other flavors too. Imagine the face of the person who grabs the biggest, heaviest present of them all and discovers this hiding inside. Reviews suggest not giving it to children, but not because it’s dangerous — it just looks a lot like a sex toy and things could get weird.
Needs to be eaten right away or promptly refrigerated. Remember to put that in big letters on the box so that the person who gets this has to share, instead of wandering around with a gummy invertebrate around their shoulders getting hair all over it all night.
You thought we were going to put the banana slicer on this list, didn’t you? But this is so much better! Who cares about a sliced banana — never do it manually, though — when we’ve been collectively throwing away thousands upon thousands of banana stickers away per year? This is someone’s chance — not yours, this isn’t for you — to make that right.
(Or to regift. Whatever. It’s pretty cute and fairly clever. We’d drop a couple of bucks on it.)
Stuffed Blobfish Plush — $39.99
Well, that says it all, doesn’t it? Don’t bring these to a company party. The resulting HR nightmare won’t be worth it. Great for friendly gatherings, though. You’ll either be labeled “an absolute card!” or never invited to visit again. Win/win.
Look how happy that strangely oiled (why are you oiled for a wolf underwear photo shoot, man?) hunk looks while wearing them! Pure, unadulterated confidence. And stretch!
Oh, what’s that? Did you get someone a sporty piece of luggage for their upcoming vacation? Is it Samsonite? Vuitton? Prada? No, It’s Kikkerland, and it’s a motherf*cking BBQ that you can take with you wherever you go. Now, the party’s always at the tips of your novelty products-loving fingers. (Honestly, we don’t care if this works or not, it’s still bound to be the best present at your white elephant, so try to get it back if you can.)
Can You Imagine? Light-Up Bubbleizer — $10.48
Yes, I can imagine. I’m actually having a psychic vision: No one’s getting any work done once someone snaps up this fantastic prize!
As one reviewer points out, the sound of boiling water next to your head is a much more potent alarm than the actual sound this machine makes, so this could be more dangerous than practical. Still, it’s a fun thing to have around, no? Until you accidentally hit the snooze and Harvey Dent yourself.
Gift of Nothing — $6.41
For the person who has everything. Or for the person who has nothing. Or, most importantly, for the person who chose the smallest and lightest present thinking it was going to be something good — because they still believe in maxims and adages and proverbs and things like that — and it ended up being a piece of plastic with air inside it. Serves them right. Now they have to sit there and pretend the packaging is funny — the reviews claim it is! — and that they don’t mind getting a joke present even though they totally, totally do. (Source: experience; crushed expectations)
(H/T: This Is Why I’m Broke, WTFAmazon)