When I took a PE class in college — a horrible misguided attempt at personal fitness that resulted in me eating Cheetos instead of attending — the first day included a tour of the facilities. “Here’s the thigh abductor machine,” the cheerful woman leading us on our adventure told us, “and here are the treadmills. You can use them anytime!” Then she showed us a couple of weights, encouraged us to “feel the burn, ha ha” and left us to our own devices. There may have been a pool (somewhere) and even a jacuzzi (again, somewhere), but at no point was our group of nervous freshmen paraded outside and shown an amenity that had been ripped straight from a crowded water park and dropped onto campus.
Times sure have changed.
According to Cosmopolitan, The University Of Central Florida (which is a Division I school) will be adding a lazy river to its “student athlete village” as part of a $25 million upgrade. The river, which will probably quickly fill with both pee and spilled alcoholic beverages, will be part of the facility’s “Recovery Cove” where athletes can chill out and do whatever athletes do when they’re not on the field. I bet they get massages, too. And unlimited gatorade and other soft drinks that other students will have to pay for in the dining hall.
While the Lazy River hasn’t been funded yet, the school’s athletic program released the schematics in in the hopes that it will attract and retain more talented athletes and coaches.
It’s not specified how much the lazy river will cost, but $5 million will go toward enhancing the student athlete village that currently exists, $2 million will be for football expansion, another $2 million will be designated toward baseball expansion, and $1 million will go to the student athlete nutrition center.
They get a nutrition center, too? Our school gym’s nutrition center was a half-dead vending machine that would take your money and then vibrate furiously while dispensing absolutely nothing. I’m not going to lie: I get why the athletes need a lazy river, but if I were a student at UCF and was told that I couldn’t get to swim in it after my organic chem final because “it’s only for athletes,” I’d probably switch schools.
On the other hand, if you’re an athlete, you should probably start thinking about transferring. You might get a wave pool next!