If you’ve been diligently participating in #NoNutNovember — an annual challenge to not ejaculate for a month — then you are already aware that Day Nine of the challenge (this. very. day.) is when all of your pent-up sexual energy begins to surge in your body in the form of crazy powers like flying or x-ray vision or that thing where you can always guess how many M&Ms are in the jar — a trick which wins you a lot of Ipad minis.
The powers are just beginning to manifest at this stage so there are probably some funny things happening to you. Like fire shooting out of your fingers spontaneously or hearing Helen Hunt’s every thought. This can be troubling. But don’t worry, you’ll begin getting more control over your new awe-inspiring abilities over the next week. Apparently.
Now, if you’ve never heard of #NoNutNovember because it wasn’t a holiday your family celebrated growing up, there is (very slightly) more to it than we previously alluded. Okay, not really. You just aren’t allowed to have sex or masturbate for 30 days. Those are the rules. None of any kind. You’re not even allowed to have sex with all the pies at Thanksgiving. It’s THAT strict.
“But why should I not have an orgasm in the month of November?” you might ask. Well, No Nut November was apparently invented last year by Twitter user, @BillRatchett and he gives some pretty lofty reasons:
“A challenge for Strong Willed Men with a mission to conquer their Demons that this cruel world has challenged us with. A challenge for Bold Courageous Men who refuse to let their inner temptations ruin their road to Glory.”
Assuming he’s capitalizing “Glory” because he takes reaching his full potential SUPER SERIOUSLY (and not because he’s referring to a month’s end showing of Glory, the 1989 Denzel Washington film about the Civil War), we can only conclude that if you don’t cum for a month you’ll quickly finish all your creative projects and get promoted at work and learn to literally fly. At least, that’s what people around the internet are (jokingly) claiming — that wonderful things happen to them once they stop masturbating. Genuine superpowers.
They’re also going crazy and seeing butts in a lot of inanimate objects.
It’s a crazy month. Let’s check in…
So, if you’re participating in #nonutnovember, godspeed in reaching your glorious potential as a human being… we guess? All the data is anecdotal or tied to a new wave religion, so it’s tough to have a take on whether this works. And if you aren’t not nutting, sorry that you’ll never know what it’s like to move objects with your mind (but you get to have sex still so we kind of feel like you’re still the winner in all this).
None of us at Uproxx are participating in #nonutnovember of course, because, as mentioned, you’re not allowed to have sex with pies. So we’ll sit this one out. But if you’re participating, tell us in the comments what powers you now have!