Everybody loves a good cookie. Children love cookies; old people love cookies. Beautiful people love cookies; hideous monsters who work on the internet love cookies. Forget cocaine. Sugar + gluten is a hell of a drug. You know what else people love? Trader Joe’s. So we decided to combine two of the world’s favorite things in a ranking. Which is how I found myself with $40 worth of cookies in my kitchen on a rainy Wednesday afternoon.
The last time I ate a bunch of Trader Joe’s for science, I didn’t feel so hot for a few days. Turns out binging seventeen frozen foods over a 24-hour span isn’t the foundation of an impeccable health plan. This time, the results were even more dramatic. Because for such a small store, TJ’s is freaking loaded with cookies. They’re everywhere — biscotti, cookie butter, frozen dough — it never stops.
Am I complaining? Yes. I’m basically a 19th-century coal miner. I’ll die of Trader Joe’s ginger snap dust in my lungs. My family will be left with nothing but a tombstone made of cardboard cookie boxes. No pensions for old-timey laborers or modern day internet writers. It’s a tragic tale, but well worth it to make you a happy (or at least an informed) shopper.
So here you go: The Best Trader Joe’s Cookies, Ranked.
I am a strong believer that even a bad cookie is still a cookie that I will enjoy. Or… I was. But that was before gluten-free Joe-Joe’s touched my lips. That said: WHY DIDN’T ANYONE WARN ME WHAT I WAS IN FOR?
These cookies are cursed. The taste is like s’mores gone wrong. And s’mores almost never do wrong, so… not s’mores at all. Like the ghost of s’mores. The texture is a mix between dusty, crusted-over jell-o and stale Oreo that’s been left in the back of your well-meaning grandmother’s pantry for seven years. This cookie has offended me and my entire family and the whole of the eastern seaboard.
Rating: 0 out of 10. What the hell, why would anyone buy this? If you can’t eat gluten, just eat ice cream (if you can’t have dairy either, you’re screwed).
Peanut Butter Cartwheel Cookies
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Maybe I’m not the best judge of character for these, as I’m not a big peanut butter fan, but these were strange. Biting into this cartwheel was a dissonant combination of overly-crisp cookie and an absolute glut of peanut butter. And I’m not sure about the logistics in terms of mass-producing cookies with fresh peanut butter, but judging by these cartwheels, it’s not possible. The spread was chalky and almost tasteless.