You don’t have to be a Stephen Colbert-level Tolkien fan or have spent the past 25 years waiting for winter to come to enjoy the jokes from Awful Fantasy, a parody Twitter account started in September of 2014 and amassing a wealth of quality awfulness since then.
They specialize in tweets satirizing the tropes every awful movie and book in the fantasy genre seem to rely on, whether it’s author self-insertion, unnecessary gobbledygook, casual misogyny, or derivative story lines. Other tweets start out sounding like a typical fantasy plot line, then veer off in an unexpected — often more depressingly realistic — direction. And some of them are just silly fun, like the tweet immortalized in the illustration above: “The minstrel played a beautiful melody on her harp. Then she slammed on her effects pedal and ripped out a totally legendary solo.”
We’d suggest they should get a Hugo Award, but Chuck Tingle is hogging all of those awards already. So Awful Fantasy will have to settle for the next best thing: Having our favorite 35 tweets among their 1,100+ tweets rounded up below for your amusement. Thanks to Pleated Jeans for the heads up.
"'I'm a magician, not a wizard!' shouted Fed the Fantastic as he was shoved into the invading Orcs. 'Pick a card!' he screamed as he died."
— Awful Fantasy (@AwfulFantasy) November 16, 2015
"The Elvish prince was so powerful and legendary that his first name alone contained over twenty apostrophes."
— Awful Fantasy (@AwfulFantasy) May 4, 2015
"And for Gimli, son of Glóin, who requests but a single strand of my golden hair,' said Galadriel, 'I give a restraining order.'"
— Awful Fantasy (@AwfulFantasy) August 12, 2015
"'Why should we follow you, Hero?' the peasant asked.
'I am descended from Dragons.'
'From Dragons? Psh. Then why are there still Dragons?'"— Awful Fantasy (@AwfulFantasy) April 4, 2016
"As the Batwing flew from the Batcave, it killed two parent bats, leaving a little bat orphaned. He vowed revenge. Thus, Batbat was born."
— Awful Fantasy (@AwfulFantasy) July 9, 2015
"The Elves were singing a long forgotten song. Well, mostly forgotten. They forgot the lyrics, so it was mostly humming until the chorus."
— Awful Fantasy (@AwfulFantasy) December 17, 2015
"'We will find justice for the murder of your aunt and uncle,' Obi-Wan promised.
'Who?' asked Luke, swinging his new light saber around."— Awful Fantasy (@AwfulFantasy) May 22, 2015
"They were perfect for each other. He was strong, brave, intelligent, heroic, honorable, funny, and empathetic, and she was pretty."
— Awful Fantasy (@AwfulFantasy) September 14, 2015
"Luckily for Shelma, the alien spoke perfect English for some reason. Also, it had a British accent so that meant it was wise."
— Awful Fantasy (@AwfulFantasy) March 3, 2015
"You're all racist,' Kilt, the dwarf said between swigs of ale. Like all Dwarves, he sounded like a typical dumb, drunk Scottish person."
— Awful Fantasy (@AwfulFantasy) December 16, 2014
"'All I'm saying is that the dragon's fire breath was just not hot enough to have melted the castle's support beams,' Daril whispered."
— Awful Fantasy (@AwfulFantasy) May 15, 2015
"You may ask us one question, but one of us lies and the other tells the truth, and I'm required by law to say one of us is a sex offender."
— Awful Fantasy (@AwfulFantasy) September 22, 2014
"Of all the hobbit-holes in The Shire, this dame had to walk into mine. Tall as she was beautiful. 2'3" and feet as hairy as my last case."
— Awful Fantasy (@AwfulFantasy) January 27, 2015
"His sword was made from the hardest metal known. Forged by hammers made from harder metal, but the hammers were all gone and didn't count."
— Awful Fantasy (@AwfulFantasy) November 26, 2014
"The Lion, the Witch, and the Dombås: A fantasy tale by IKEA."
— Awful Fantasy (@AwfulFantasy) May 17, 2015
This was very prescient of an episode of Spontaneanation.
"Suddenly it all made sense to Byron: waking up naked in the street after a full moon, the bestial rage, the stench. He was an alcoholic."
— Awful Fantasy (@AwfulFantasy) May 19, 2015
"'Let's touch base and spitball some strategies for downsizing this upcoming orc horde,' the party leader told his adventuring staff."
— Awful Fantasy (@AwfulFantasy) June 9, 2015
She was killed. Gone. Dead forever.¹ She would never ever ever be alive again.²
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¹ until next season.
² This sentence is untrue.— Awful Fantasy (@AwfulFantasy) June 15, 2015
"Jane died, even though everyone figured out she was true heir to the throne, because I hate that people figured out my story. Fuck you."
— Awful Fantasy (@AwfulFantasy) February 2, 2016
"His cubes caressed her supple cubes. 'I want to cube your cube' she whispered. He was fully cubed, now."
—Minecraft: Desire³— Awful Fantasy (@AwfulFantasy) June 25, 2015
"Diala drank a potion of healing. Then, she drank a potion of invisibility. Next, she drank a potion of detect traps. Then, she had to pee."
— Awful Fantasy (@AwfulFantasy) August 21, 2015
"The ranger looked ready for anything. He was tall and slender with dark brown hair, a full beard, OCD, and some thought he had ADHD."
— Awful Fantasy (@AwfulFantasy) September 20, 2014
"Suddenly, the assassin had Justica by the throat!
'Lord Demono has a message for you,' he whispered.
'AM I BEING DETAINED,' asked Justica."— Awful Fantasy (@AwfulFantasy) October 3, 2015
"Everyone came to watch the space joust, which was like regular jousting but harder cause you had to train the horses to hold their breath."
— Awful Fantasy (@AwfulFantasy) March 23, 2016
"The people cheered for their new hero. Little did they know their universe was really an atom in a turd. Believe in your dreams.
THE END."
— Awful Fantasy (@AwfulFantasy) February 4, 2016
"'Who could have guessed the aliens would be taken down by the common cold, followed up by two hundred common 80 megaton nuclear warheads.'"
— Awful Fantasy (@AwfulFantasy) April 25, 2016
"Vera, the unmatched swordswoman, had hung up her sword and finally given into love. She married the real hero, fulfilling her prophecy."
— Awful Fantasy (@AwfulFantasy) March 1, 2015
"The heroes thought that the Elven city was stunningly detailed and beautiful. If it were a video game, it would clearly be the PC version."
— Awful Fantasy (@AwfulFantasy) May 31, 2015
"Demons invaded the kingdom. At first the people panicked, but then relaxed when the demons took the low paying jobs no one else wanted."
— Awful Fantasy (@AwfulFantasy) November 21, 2014
"Heronus swung his sword, severing the orc's head while the other heroes cheered. The orc's children starved to death over the next week."
— Awful Fantasy (@AwfulFantasy) January 10, 2015
"'My father was the King of the land of Ithaco and all surrounding territories,' the Mermaid said, 'and my mother was a trout.'"
— Awful Fantasy (@AwfulFantasy) September 21, 2014
"I was born 41 years ago in the Lowlands of Scotland. I am mortal and I am not alone. I am the Lowlander and there can be only lots."
— Awful Fantasy (@AwfulFantasy) January 31, 2015
"Jane killed the Dark Lord, saving the world. A nearby toy-maker cheered, then was sad. 'If you were a man I could have made toys of you.'"
— Awful Fantasy (@AwfulFantasy) January 5, 2016
"The Jedi Civil War ended with many casualties. On the bright side, there were no bodies to clean up and there were a ton of free robes."
— Awful Fantasy (@AwfulFantasy) April 2, 2015
