You guys, I’m worried about John Wick.
Not because the last time we saw him, in John Wick: Chapter 2, John was being targeted by assassins from around the world after he killed crimelord Santino D’Antonio in the Continental, breaking the hotel’s most strict rule. That’s not great for John, but it is for the viewers who get to watch the “Baba Yaga” on the run in John Wick: Chapter 3. No, I’m worried about John because of this.
That’s Oscar winner Halle Berry as Sofia, a mysterious new character from John Wick: Chapter 3. All we know about Sofia is that 1) her name is Sofia (and we didn’t even know that until recently), 2) she has excellent handwriting, 3) she has two Good Dogs, and 4) per the Hollywood Reporter, “Sources say she will not be the film’s villain.” Okay, but — and hear me out — what if she is?
If you saw someone dramatically walking down a dimly-lit hallway dressed in black with German Shepherds on either side of their leather boots, you’d assume they were up to no good, right? Technically, everyone in the Wick-verse is up to no good, but Berry’s Sofia looks extra menacing. These “sources” that the Reporter spoke to (and the now-disproven rumors that Hiroyuki Sanada, from The Wolverine, would be the main antagonist) could be a misdirect. Maybe we’re supposed to think Berry is a hero when, actually, she’s Chapter 3‘s Big Bad. I mean, Catwoman hanging out with dogs? You can’t trust her.
Which brings me back to why I’m worried about John Wick. There’s a lot of hypotheticals here, but stick with me: let’s say, hypothetically, that Halle Berry is the villain, and, hypothetically, she sicks her dogs on John Wick (and/or his beloved pit bull), and, hypothetically, the dogs are going to chew his face off. Would John Wick kill the German Shepherds to save himself? It’s a moral quandary. The only reason John is thinking he’s back is because Theon Greyjoy killed his adorable beagle, the last gift from his dead wife. There’s something almost beautifully karmic about the John Wick franchise coming full circle, but mostly, I hate it. There are two (again, hypothetical) options: either John dies and no more John Wick movies (noooooo), or John murders the dogs (noooooo) and we have to root for a (k)anine killer. I hate both choices.
I take it all back: Halle Berry is going to team up with John Wick, and they’ll live happily ever after in five more John Wick movies. No dogs were harmed in the making of these motion pictures, which is good news for this guy.