HEY
HEY
LISTEN
JUST RUN OVER THE MURDER DOLL WITH YOUR CAR
FREAKING FLATTEN IT
IF YOU THINK IT DID A MURDER
OR EVEN IF YOU THINK IT MIGHT DO A MURDER
OR IF YOU SUSPECT IT OF OTHER CRIMES
LIKE MAYBE IF YOU THINK A LIFELIKE DOLL MIGHT BE STEALING YOUR IDENTITY ONLINE WHEN YOU ARE SLEEPING
CHARGING THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS OF DOLL DRESSES TO YOUR CREDIT CARD
THAT’S NOT OKAY, EITHER
DRAG IT INTO THE DRIVEWAY AND SMUSH IT
EVEN IF IT JUST LOOKS AT YOU WEIRD ONE TIME
LIKE, IF YOUR DOLL LOOKS AT YOU LIKE THIS
OR THIS
OR THIS
THAT SHOULD BE IT
PUT IT DOWN BEHIND YOUR REAR TIRES AND ROLL RIGHT OVER IT
THEN PUT THE CAR IN DRIVE AND RUN OVER IT AGAIN FORWARDS
SPLINTER THAT DEAD-EYED FREAK
IT’S NOT EVEN A CRIME
YOU CAN’T GO TO JAIL FOR RUNNING OVER YOUR OWN DOLL ON PURPOSE IN YOUR DRIVEWAY
THE NEIGHBORS MIGHT LOOK AT YOU WEIRD, I GUESS
BUT I BET THEY’D PREFER HAVING A STRANGE NEIGHBOR WHO RUNS OVER DOLLS SOMETIMES THAN BEING MURDERED BY A KNIFE-WIELDING PLASTIC DEMON
YOU ARE DOING THEM A FAVOR
EVEN IF THEY DON’T REALIZE IT
YOU CAN’T BE TOO CAREFUL
IT’S HAPPENED TOO MANY TIMES
THE THING WHERE A DOLL DOES MURDER
REMEMBER CHUCKY?
REMEMBER ANNABELLE?
AND NOW M3GAN?
LOOK AT THIS THING
ABSOLUTELY NOT
YOU HAVE TO PROTECT YOUR FAMILY
YOU HAVE TO PROTECT THE COMMUNITY
FROM THE MURDER
DON’T WORRY ABOUT HOW PEOPLE LOOK AT YOU WHEN YOU DO IT
PEOPLE PROBABLY THOUGHT BATMAN WAS WEIRD AT FIRST, TOO
“WHY IS THAT GUY DRESSING LIKE A BAT TO FIGHT CRIME?”
“WHY ISN’T HE DRESSED LIKE SOMETHING SCARIER, LIKE A DINOSAUR OR A BEAR WITH CIRCULAR SAWS FOR HANDS?”
DON’T WORRY ABOUT IT
IT’S FOR YOUR PROTECTION, SHARON
JESUS CHRIST
RUN OVER ALL YOUR DOLLS, ACTUALLY
ONE COULD COME TO LIFE TONIGHT AND HAVE VIOLENCE IN ITS HEART
YOU DON’T KNOW
PUT ALL THE DOLLS IN A SACK RIGHT NOW AND CRUNCH THEM UNDER THE WHEELS OF YOUR SUBARU
OR AT LEAST SET ALL OF THEM UP IN THE YARD FACED TOWARD THE DRIVEWAY WHILE YOU RUN OVER ONE
TO SEND A MESSAGE
ALTHOUGH THAT MIGHT BACKFIRE
THAT COULD LEAD TO A “JOHN WICK’S DOG” SITUATION
WHERE THE DOLLS ARE OUT FOR REVENGE NOW
ALSO, THAT WOULD BE EVEN TOUGHER TO EXPLAIN TO THE NEIGHBORS
JUST RUN THEM ALL OVER
RUN OVER ALL THE MURDER DOLLS
AND POTENTIAL MURDER DOLLS
ANY TOY WITH EYES
DON’T RUN OVER THE MUPPETS, THOUGH
THEY’RE COOL
ALL THE REST, THOUGH
TO BE SAFE
LISTEN TO ME
THANK YOU
