I’ve been doing these Oscars Drinking Games almost as long as I’ve been alive at this point, but I admit, it’s a bit more challenging this year without a host. How can you predict the jokes if you don’t know who’ll be telling them? Oh well, at least we know who’ll be presenting. That list now includes:
Jane Fonda, Josh Gad, Tom Hanks, Oscar Isaac, Sandra Oh, Natalie Portman, Chris Rock and Taika Waititi. (…) Mahershala Ali, Utkarsh Ambudkar, Zazie Beetz, Timothée Chalamet, Olivia Colman, James Corden, Penélope Cruz, Beanie Feldstein, Will Ferrell, Gal Gadot, Zack Gottsagen, Salma Hayek, Mindy Kaling, Diane Keaton, Regina King, Shia LaBeouf, Brie Larson, Spike Lee, Julia Louis-Dreyfus, George MacKay, Rami Malek, Steve Martin, Lin-Manuel Miranda, Anthony Ramos, Keanu Reeves, Ray Romano, Maya Rudolph, Mark Ruffalo, Kelly Marie Tran, Sigourney Weaver, Kristen Wiig and Rebel Wilson. [Oscars]
Which tells us… well, mostly that Josh Gad’s agent must have kompromat on someone important. Seriously, what is it with that guy? He’s harder to get rid of than robocallers. The fun begins on ABC at 8 pm ET/5 pm PT. Here’s the full list of nominees.
In any case, if we’re going to watch this hopelessly middlebrow self-suck in which a poor man’s Dunkirk is the odds-on favorite to win Best Picture, we might as well be drunk. Give it to Parasite, you cowards!
The Basics
A drink is a drink. Call it a gulp, call it a finger, take smaller sips for harder liquor and cocktails, just be consistent. When I say “finish your drink,” I’m basing it on whatever happens to be left of a can of beer or a glass of wine. i.e., don’t fill a jam jar with gin and tonic unless you want to destroy your marriage.
Evergreen Rules
“Wrap it up.” Any time the producers use music to get someone to wrap up a speech, one drink.
“So, so brave.” One drink for any reference to brave actors, brave crew, brave artistic choices, or “the brave men and women of…”
Long shot: Finish your drink for someone thanking God.
The Marty Rule
This one carries extra weight this year with Scorsese actually being nominated. So two drinks for every time someone calls Martin Scorsese “Marty.” One drink any time they familiarize anyone else, like “Sam” Jackson, “Jim” Corden, or “Karsh” Ambudkar.
Timely
One drink for:
-Climate change reference
-Pope joke
-White male rage
-Shot of Joaquin Phoenix looking bored
-“Now more than ever.”
-Joke about Cats
–“Diverse/diversity”
-“Mr. Trump”
Finish your drink for:
-“Epstein”
-“Weinstein”
-Someone actually using the term “incel.”
Chalamée Chalamet, Let’s Call The Whole Thing Off
Any time someone jokes about Timothée Chalamet’s sick ‘stache, last guest to put their left finger to their upper lip like a mustache has to finish their drink.
The Josh Gad Rule
Look, I didn’t want to bring this one back, but what can I do? He’s presenting! So, as soon as the announcer introduces “Josh Gad” everyone present must shout “But he was good in Book of Mormon!” Last guest to do so, finish your drink.
That’s it for this year. Stay safe out there, folks, this thing lasts for like three hours.
