The most important thing to remember about the Oscars is that they don’t really matter. Some people consider them to be important, fine, and if you’re asking me if I would prefer having an Academy Award to not having one, well, sure. That would be fun. (I would buckle the trophy into the passenger seat of my car and make my friends sit in the back.) But the whole thing is mostly silly, a perverted attempted to make an objective declaration about a subjective form. Who cares, really? Not me. Or, at least, not me until this morning, when the 2019 nominations were announced. Now I’m mad. These bastards didn’t nominate Paddington 2 for an Oscar.
Did… did they even see Paddington 2? I have to assume they didn’t. It was beautiful, both visually and emotionally. It had drama and action and it was sad and sweet and funny. It was everything you could possibly want in a movie. If they had seen it, surely, they would have given it a nomination. Because otherwise, that means that these bastards watched the story of a sweet young bear going to great lengths — getting framed for robbery, escaping from prison, almost drowning in a train car — to get a pop-up book of London for his beloved, widowed Aunt Lucy, and they responded with a stoic, unfeeling “feh” and moved along with their day. It’s madness.
And, to be clear, I’m not talking about the Best Animated Feature category, even though Paddington 2 was not nominated in there, either. That omission is such a travesty — such a hilarious impossibility — that all I can do is sit here and laugh about it. No, I’m talking about the big one. The granddaddy of the awards. Folks, these bastards did not nominate Paddington 2 for Best Picture.
Look at the films that made the cut:
Roma? Oh, a well-to-do family comes to love a lower-class outsider they invited into their home and — after a water-based near-tragedy and an emotional hug near at the end — all of them eventually realize that blood ties aren’t the only thing that defines what “family” truly means? Where have I seen that before? Hmmm.
Green Book? Did the book in question contain beautifully rendered pop-up art that depicted the sights and famous attractions of London and also a secret code that led to a massive fortune in literal gold treasure? Pass.
Black Panther? I will admit here that Paddington 2’s only notable flaw is that is did not contain a herd of war rhinos that are summoned into battle with a massive horn, but Black Panther didn’t feature a single montage of people making marmalade sandwiches, so let’s call this a wash.