Movies

Scenes From ‘Fast & Furious 8,’ Which Will Probably Take Place On A Submarine Or Something

FAST FURIOUS

Fast & Furious 8 opens on a secluded beach. Everyone is relaxing and playing in the sand. Suddenly, a helicopter lands nearby, and two men in suits ask Dom to come with them. They take him to an intelligence black site where Kurt Russell’s character, Mr. Nobody, explains why he was brought in.

MR. NOBODY: Have a seat.

DOM: I’ll stand.

MR. NOBODY: Fine. Have it your way. Stand.

DOM: I think I’ll sit.

MR. NOBODY: Look, the reason I called you here… you remember Owen Shaw and his big bad brother Deckard? Well, it turns out that taking both of them down has pissed off the most dangerous Shaw of all… [pulls up surveillance footage of Helen Mirren firing a shoulder-mounted rocket launcher into a secret British military warehouse]… their mother, Blanche. And now she’s stolen a nuclear submarine.

DOM: [mumbles incoherently about submarines]

MR. NOBODY: Exactly. And that’s why you and your crew are the only ones who can stop her. I’ve called in Hobbs on this, too.

HOBBS: Daddy’s gotta go to work.

*************

ROMAN: I don’t care what none of y’all say. I ain’t gettin’ on a submarine!

DOM: [mumbles incoherently]

TEJ: Damnnnn.

Roman reluctantly gets on submarine

*************

HOBBS: Dr. Bermuda… I read your file. Top of your class at MIT, 20 years working on top secret ocean-based military programs, seven years undercover on a Russian nuclear sub. They say you’re the best.

KEANU REEVES AS DR. NED BERMUDA: How’d you know about the Russian sub? That was supposed to be classified.

HOBBS: [chuckles, flexes biceps] I declassified it.

FURIOUS ROCK

*************

MIA: Fine, I’ll drive the submarine.

ROMAN: Aw, no. HELL NO. If I’m stuck on this damn sub, I’m driving it.

TEJ: Man, you don’t know how to drive a damn submarine.

ROMAN: Sure I do. I’ll drive the hell out of this submarine. How hard can it be?

Roman begins pulling levers and pushing buttons, causing a torpedo to fire and blow a dingy to kingdom come

ROMAN: I think Mia should drive the submarine.

DOM: [kind of gruntlaughs]

*************

MIA: There’s a giant squid attacking the submarine! Its tentacles are everywhere!

TEJ: It’s trying to drag us to the bottom of the ocean!

HOBBS: Daddy’s gotta go to work.

Hobbs puts on a scuba suit and gets in a 30-minute underwater fistfight with the giant squid that ends with him landing an uppercut that launches the squid out of the water and all the way to the dang moon.

*************

Letty opens the door to a supply closet and finds a man tied up and gagged.

LETTY: Who the hell are you? What are you doing on our submarine?!

KEANU REEVES AS DR. BERMUDA: He must be one of Blanche’s men.

LETTY: Then why is he tied up?

Letty pulls the gag off the strange man.

NICOLAS CAGE: He’s not the real Dr. Bermuda! I’m the real Dr. Bermuda!

KEANU REEVES: He’s a liar!

LETTY

*************

MIA: Blanche has us cornered. With the reef behind us we have nowhere to go. We’ll have to fight our way out.

TEJ: Uh, guys. The torpedoes are jammed!

DOM: [mumbles incoherently]

MIA: But it’s suicide!

DOM: [continues mumbling incoherently, with only the word “family” coming through clearly]

LETTY: Dom’s right.

ROMAN: One last ride?

MIA: One last ride.

HOBBS: Daddy’s gotta go to work.

Dom sets the submarine to self-destruct as all the members of the crew board individual neon detachable mini-subs and begin a weaving attack through the deep blue sea that appears highly choreographed even though this is their first time driving them.

*************

The whole crew is at Dom’s for a barbecue. For their efforts in taking down Blanche, the government has given them all diplomatic immunity, meaning they have now been forgiven for all of their past AND future crimes.

ROMAN: Man… [sips bottle of Corona while being very sure to point the label toward the camera]… this is nice.

MIA: And we did it like we always do, together.

DOM: [mumbles incoherently about sticking together, or how far they’ve come, or something]

LETTY: Couldn’t have said it better myself.

NICOLAS CAGE AS THE REAL DR. BERMUDA: Hey, do you guys hear that?

The sound of an approaching helicopter fills the air. The crew scrambles for cover. The helicopter lands in the street and Mr. Nobody steps out.

MR. NOBODY: [removes sunglasses] Sorry to interrupt your little shindig, but we have business.

TEJ: Damn! Can’t I finish my burger first!

MR. NOBODY: Afraid not. Remember Owen Shaw, and his big bad brother Deckard Shaw, and their submarine-stealing mother Blanche Shaw? Well, it turns out Deckard has a teenage son named Keegan who isn’t too happy about you guys imprisoning his father, leaving his uncle on a ventilator, and killing his mum. And he stole a rocketship!

TEJ: A rocketship?!

MR. NOBODY: Back your bags, and hurry. You’re going to astronaut school.

ROMAN: Aw, hell no!

Credits roll.

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