The year is 2013. Children everywhere are flooding to the theaters to see Frozen. “Blurred Lines” has taken over the radio. Everyone is doing the Harlem Shake for some reason. And Sylvester Stallone, still two years away from his critically-acclaimed return to the Rocky franchise with Creed, is designing pens. Not just any pens, mind you. No, he is designing a line of pens titled Chaos for an Italian luxury goods manufacturer named Montegrappa.
Now, you have got to see these freaking pens. More importantly, you have got to see the four-minute — FOUR-MINUTE — advertisement for these pens. It popped up on social media recently and I am both thrilled about its existence and livid at everyone involved for not telling me about it five years ago. You won’t even believe this thing. We’re going to walk through it all step-by-step but you have to promise me something first: Every 90 seconds or so, take a quick break and remind yourself that this is an advertisement for pens. That’s important. You’ll understand soon enough.
The ad, like all good ads, opens with narration from Stallone himself. He says the following things:
To have light there must first be darkness
I mean, I guess.
Death does not exist without life
Also correct, although I’m not sure what it has to do with p-
To have peace war is required
Hmm. This one is probably not true because people could just, like, nev-
Oh HELL yes. I retract my nitpicking. No more nitpicking from me. We’ve got the word “CHAOS” in a funky, slithery font and it is ON FIRE and we are barely into a commercial for a pen. I’m in. I’ve never been more excited to see the remaining three minute and thirty seconds of anything. Dazzle me, Sly.