Today In ‘Star Wars’ Rumors: Luke Is Crazy, And Han Is A Sitcom Dad

Until we start getting some more concrete information about the movie, I take everything I hear about Star Wars: The Force Awakens with a substantial dose of salt. That said, it’s always fun to talk rumors, and Making Star Wars recently unleashed a massive rumor dump.

Even they are skeptical of their source, but the rumors are fairly fun to read just on their own. There will be potential spoilers below, obviously, so read judiciously. To wit, what I found the most interesting:

  • A love triangle forms between the new kids. Rey (Daisy Ridley) like Poe Dameron (Oscar Isaac), who has feelings for her but “respects Han too much” to act on them. Finn, played by John Boyega, has unrequited feelings for her.
  • Rey also appears to be using the Force, despite turning down Jedi training. That’ll end well!
  • Finn is an interesting character himself, according to these rumors. He’s a pacifist who hates the Empire for killing his family, and got scooped up and forcibly enlisted, as the Empire is no longer using clones. He is also, apparently, a terrible shot… but he is handy, apparently, with a lightsaber.
  • Luke, meanwhile, has been protecting a Sith tomb, and understandably, being near a bunch of dead Sith has not done wonders for his mental state. He’s basically a magic hobo when we first see him.
  • A lightsaber is a MacGuffin; apparently its crystal will open that Sith tomb Luke is guarding.
  • Han’s entire job in this movie appears to be to fly the kids around in the Falcon, middle manage the Rebels and the criminal elements they’ve teamed up with, disapprove of Rey wanting to hump people, and dying.
  • Leia is in hiding: Apparently after the supposedly decisive battle of Endor, things did not go well for the Rebellion.
  • The Empire, on that note, is ironically more of a Republic: After Endor, it splinters into dozens of factions who work uneasily with each other under an Imperial government. They are, however, still dicks.
  • And, finally, the rumor I give the least credence to, Domhnall Gleeson is Luke’s evil son, not the rumored Tarkin in the movie. I mean, I am 99% sure Luke finished out the first three movies still a virgin. If this is true, I’m honestly more interested in finding out who deflowered the farm-boy turned zen monk whose first kiss was with his sister than with seeing this guy in action. Who sees that bundle of emotional issues and thinks “I want to go to there?”

As always, season with salt. But. hey. It’s fun to talk about. We can’t wait for the second trailer to clear things up, probably coming this summer.