Joe Dirt 2: Beautiful Loser — a movie that I can say with some confidence that no one outside of David Spade has ever asked for – has debuted on the streaming service Crackle. On Friday, for reasons I’m not sure, I watched Joe Dirt 2: Beautiful Loser. It’s a bizarre movie. While watching, I kept a running diary. Here’s how that all went:
:25: I just realized I’ve never seen the first Joe Dirt.
:40: Dennis Miller is in this movie.
:44: Dennis Miller couldn’t show up for the SNL 40th anniversary special, but he had time to appear in Joe Dirt 2.
:50: “I know a little something about Joe Dirt.” A line spoken by Dennis Miller.
1:25: Dennis Miller insulted a guy who kind of looks like John C. Reilly by calling him “John C-Minus Reilly.”
1:30: Dennis Miller was apparently in the first Joe Dirt.
1:32: I already regret this.
2:18: Joe Dirt has made his first appearance.
3:12: Joe Dirt introduced himself to a woman sitting next to him by saying, “Hello, I’m Dirt.”
3:28: Joe Dirt 2 has made its first Forrest Gump reference.
6:11: Joe Dirt 2 is now doing a riff on The Sopranos opening credits.
6:24: I wish I were watching The Sopranos.
8:01: It’s still better than A Million Ways to Die in the West.
8:28: David Spade needs to be cast in a movie by one of those highly respected directors who likes casting “outside the box” people. I bet he could be good.
9:57: David Spade’s Joe Dirt wig is not good.
12:32: We are in a flashback sequence and Joe Dirt is married and he has three kids.
13:02: Was Dennis Miller really in this movie? Did I imagine that?
14:10: Oh no.
14:15: The villain is played by Mark McGrath.
14:21: How is this real?
14:30: If someone in 1999 could tell Mark McGrath, “In 2015, you will be in a movie called Joe Dirt 2,” I wonder what his reaction would be?
15:27: Knowing he’d be in the sequel, I wonder how McGrath would react to the original Joe Dirt.
17:53: All the characters are farting.
18:15: Joe Dirt’s child just asked him, “Daddy, why are they farting on you?”
24:12: After a tornado, Joe Dirt’s trailer home landed on a gang leader and killed him. The other members of the gang gave Joe Dirt the leader’s boots. Joe Dirt 2 is using the premise of The Wizard of Oz as its plot.
24:34: Patrick Warburton is a member of this gang.
25:10: Joe Dirt is now the leader of this gang.
25:57: Okay, so, it seems the tornado sent Joe Dirt back in time to 1965. Joe Dirt doesn’t seem terribly surprised or upset by any of this.
28:02: The word “queer” is being used in a derogatory way. This is a movie released in 2015.
30:12: Joe Dirt 2 has made its second Forrest Gump reference.
34:43: Nothing about this movie makes sense.
37:35: Mark McGrath just masturbated into a bag of popcorn.
37:55: I wonder what the other members of Sugar Ray think about this scene.
40:57: Joe Dirt has just been arrested for making a purchase with 2015 money in 1965.
44:12: Best Time Travel Movies: Back to the Future, Looper, Terminator, Joe Dirt 2.
46:11: The band Kajagoogoo was just referenced.
46:57: Joe Dirt has discovered the band Lynyrd Skynyrd. He’s hanging out with them.
48:34: Joe Dirt gets sad when he remembers the plane crash. This is supposed to be a poignant moment.
49:13: I will admit, I never would have assumed the plot of Joe Dirt 2 included any of this.
52:48: I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I think I needed to watch the first Joe Dirt before watching this one. There are a lot of references to the first movie I don’t understand.
52:59: On second thought, I guess I don’t care.
53:48: Dennis Miller is back. He references the title of the movie and makes a joke about it being overwritten.
54:12: I used to love Dennis Miller.
55:01: I need to pause this movie and walk around for a little but. Maybe reassess my career goals.
55:01: Okay, I’m back. I think I’m fine. Let’s watch the rest of Joe Dirt 2.
56:04: Joe Dirt just had his organs harvested.
57:24: Joe Dirt is now stranded on an island.
59:48: Joe Dirt has a football named Wilson.
1:02:19: Turns out Joe Dirt was in Miami the whole time and didn’t know it.
1:02:26: I wonder what it would be like to be an accountant. I bet that’s an exciting job.
1:02:50: Christopher Walken is in Joe Dirt 2.
1:04:02: Christopher Walken’s wig looks like it’s going to fall off.
1:06:49: The movie is set in 1977 now.
1:07:05: Joe Dirt 2 is very complicated.
1:07:26: Joe Dirt 2 is the Infinite Jest of the Joe Dirt franchise.
1:11:18: Joe Dirt is having his testicles extracted.
1:11:29: I think I’m going to stop writing stuff down for awhile.
1:13:12: Joe Dirt got his scrotum caught in an airplane toilet.
1:13:15: Okay, now I’m going to stop writing things down for awhile.
1:19:36: Mark McGrath just yanked on a dog’s scrotum.
1:19:45: I wonder what the other members of Sugar Ray think about this scene.
1:25:48: I can’t believe how long this movie is.
1:26:33: I have been defeated by Joe Dirt 2.
1:32:42: I’m not sure Mark McGrath is a very good actor.
1:33:11: David Spade is acting circles around Mark McGrath.
1:33:40: “David Spade is acting circles around Mark McGrath.” Now there’s a sentence I never thought I would write.
1:37:04: I cannot believe how complicated this movie is. Seriously. Patrick Warburton is back, but now he’s an angel and he’s giving Joe Dirt advice.
1:41:19: Joe Dirt has been sent back to the present.
1:42:38: Joe Dirt 2 is over.
1:42:49: I have no idea what just happened.
1:43:02: There’s a band playing I don’t recognize. “Joe Dirt” is in the lyrics.
1:43:15: Even Shazam doesn’t recognize this song. Maybe it doesn’t exist? Maybe Joe Dirt 2 doesn’t exist.
1:43:50: There’s a blooper reel. Good grief.
Mike Ryan has written for The Huffington Post, Wired, Vanity Fair and New York magazine. He is senior entertainment writer at Uproxx. You can contact him directly on Twitter.