Katy Perry will perform during the Super Bowl halftime show this year. I’m sure she will do a fine job. Will she do a better job than Prince did when he performed a few years ago? Well, no. Prince sang “Purple Rain” in the middle of a driving rainstorm — that I’m 60-70% sure he personally summoned for theatrical reasons — and turned his curved Prince-y guitar into a 10-foot long silhouette phallus in front of millions and millions of people. Prince is the greatest.
Prince can’t perform every year, I guess, so our conversation topic is this: Who would you like to see perform at the Super Bowl halftime show? My pick: Wu-Tang. No fancy production, either. Just the surviving members of Wu-Tang Clan, standing on an empty stage, with the house lights on, performing their greatest hits. Oh, and a hologram ODB. Obviously. For the children.
Below, some picks from the staff. Your selection in the comments.
Smash Mouth, obvi, but only if they change the lyrics of their songs to be about football. WELL, the rush starts coming and it don’t stop coming, Pats bend the rules and they never get punished…
The Super Bowl is consistently the most-watched TV show of the year. More people tune in than attend Coachella, Bonnaroo, and ACL, combined. So the halftime show talent has to be a big deal (a.k.a. not Lenny Kravitz), which is why I’m proposing a lineup of essential bands that could reunite but haven’t, mostly because they hate each other. Remember when NSYNC, Britney Spears, Aerosmith, Mary J. Blige, and Nelly all performed together? My idea is kind of like that, but with the Smiths, Hüsker Dü, Talking Heads, and Jawbreaker. Would it be terrible? You bet. But at least a sliver of attention would be snatched away from deflated balls.
Rebirth Brass Band and the Foo Fighters. I don’t think I need to explain anything.
Zombie GG Allin. I also don’t think I need to explain anything.
Here’s an idea: All acoustic ’90s hard rock Super Bowl Halftime show. We’ll start out with Firehouse’s “When I look Into Your Eyes” and then move on to Mr. Big who will get the crowd revved up with “To Be With You.” We’ll bring Extreme out last to finish it up with “More Than Words” to mellow everyone down. Boom, nailed it.
With all the recent flack Johnny Depp caught for denigrating actors-pretending-to-be-musicians (let alone those pretending to act in Mortdecai), let’s get Depp’s band Tonto’s Giant Nuts to prove their worth at the Super Bowl Halftime Show. Are these guys ripe enough for mass consumption, or are they just a bunch of low-hanging fruits? Considering their last single was a cover of Mumford & Sons’ “Little Lion Man,” my vote’s on rotten produce.
I think a seriously insane halftime show that will only happen in my wildest dreams would be Childish Gambino rapping alongside Iggy Azalea, Nicki Minaj, and the Lonely Island guys with Sia chiming in at some point. And WTF, why not Jimmy Page doing something fancy with his guitar? That would be so great and it will never, ever happen. So if I have to pick a more realistic option, I’ll say Muse. Muse would be amazing. Or the Flaming Lips.
How about Skrillex? That sounds like something. I’ll be in the bathroom.
Mid-80s Billy Joel before he lost Christie Brinkley, the majority of his hair, and the ability to hit all the high notes would unite the world in song during the halftime show with “Piano Man” and “Scenes From An Italian Restaurant” before rocking our f*cking faces off with the power of “Big Shot”, “Pressure”, and maybe a couple of #DeepCuts like “All For Leyna” and “Weekend Song”. Is this a practical choice? Absolutely not for obvious reasons (inability to time travel), but I don’t care. If you want something amazing, you need to put that thought out into the world, and so now I have.
But if you need a realistic option, I’ll go with Dr. Teeth And The Electric Mayhem with a guest spot by Trent Reznor.
I want a “Send in the Clowns” performance reminiscent of “Krusty Gets Kancelled,” in which Axl Rose comes out singing “Paradise City” all by himself, and he’s really sad (and sweaty) about it. But then Slash comes out with his guitar and shirt mostly unbuttoned, and he starts shredding the intro of the song, which instantly cheers Axl up, and they bro tap their fists. But then Slash nods in the other direction, and OMG it’s Izzy Stradlin on rhythm, and coming in behind him with one leg up on a monitor, stroking his bass like it’s his dick is Duff McKagan! Finally, being lowered in from the Goodyear blimp, it’s Steven Adler on drums! (Although, if he’s not available, I’d take Matt Sorum.) THEY’RE BACK! IT’S GUNS N’ F*CKING ROSES AND THEY’RE SHREDDING THE STAGE, DEFLATING BALLS AND BLOWING EVERYTHING UP!
Cut to Roger Goodell and Scott Weiland in the NFL’s Emperor’s Suite, as we watch their heads explode Scanners-style, and the world rejoices as Slash’s top hat is named the new commissioner of the NFL.