Macklemore’s Valentine’s Day Song ‘Spoons’ Reaches Previously Unknown Levels Of Mackling

If there was something in real life akin to a scouter or radar that read Mackling levels, then Macklemore and Ryan Lewis’ Valentine’s Day tribute “Spoons” would probably make such a device explode upon discovery. The track is Super Saiyan levels of corny.

To fans who wanted a hip-hop love song that features references to pooping with the door open, impromptu Macklemore handjobs, The Giving Tree, and Netflix queues, congratulations. Also, perhaps you should seek help.

Here are a few other choice lines:

“Press my D against your left cheek.”

“See, I’m a man, but every now and then in bed, I know when to say, ‘Alright, it’s my turn to be the small spoon.’ ”

“…feel those little prickly hairs that you missed shaving your legs.”

After hearing this track, one has to ask: Is Macklemore trying to torpedo the small amount of good will he was granted for “White Privilege II?” I mean, yes, “WPII” was a big-time mackle, but it was a mackle with good intentions.

There’s such a discomfort in listening to the weird, close-miked mouth-noise intro and the nasally, overwhelmingly twee chorus here. But luckily, the track appears to be a one-off, in its sound and delivery method. It’s unlikely that this track will appear when This Unruly Mess I’ve Made drops on Feb. 26.