Andy Dwyer said it best: “Running is impossible.”
It’s also hard, and painful, and stupid, and because I’m also stupid, and apparently don’t mind hurting my knees by slamming my feet into the hard, unforgiving ground, I participated in my first half-marathon last month.
I won’t bother you with my finish time, but let’s just say I went faster than I expected, and slower than I wanted. I can’t even blame the weather, because the half-marathon was in Austin, Texas, where there is no weather except “hot” and “not as hot.” It was “not as hot” that day, with little to no wind. Perfect conditions for running 13.1 miles, which, in case you’ve forgotten, is impossible, hard, painful, stupid, and, oh yeah, really, really really boring. That’s why I asked my friends to make me a half-marathon playlist.
Could you email a song you think I’d enjoy hearing during the marathon? It can be something we’ve listened to together, or a personal favorite of yours. If it’s good for running, it’s good for me (so, no John Cage’s ambient nothingness).
Here’s what I got in return, divided into 10 categories.
1. Gym Songs
“Toxic” by Britney Spears
“Titanium” by David Guetta
“Venus Fly” by Grimes
“Black Skinhead” by Kanye West
“Part of Me” by Katy Perry
“Something I Need” by OneRepublic
“That’s What You Get” by Paramore
I’m 28 years old. It’s hard to keep up with What The Kids Are Listening To when your head is already filled with O-Town classics from years gone by. But I’ve done a decent job of keeping up with the Billboard Hot 100 by going to the gym every day. The classes I attend don’t allow you to listen to your iTunes or Spotify, so I put a lot of faith in instructors to not only teach me how to lift weights without throwing out my back, but also to pick music that doesn’t make me want to smash their skull with a kettlebell. None of this applies to “Toxic” and “That’s What You Get,” because those are great songs I was already familiar with, or “Black Skinhead,” from my third favorite Kanye West album, or Katy Perry, who’s inescapable, or “Venus Fly,” as Art Angels was one of my most-played albums of 2015. But the first time I heard “Titanium” was at the gym. It’s What the Kids Were Listening To In 2011, and one of two Sia songs on the mix. The other: “Breathe Me,” from the devastating Six Feet Under series finale. I haven’t heard that song at the gym.
2. Previous Marathoner Songs
“Lies” by CHVRCHES
“Modern Love” by David Bowie
“The House That Heaven Built” by Japandroids
“Beat Connection” by LCD Soundsystem
“North American Scum” by LCD Soundsystem
Two friends I requested songs from had previously run marathons. So, they knew what they were doing when they sent the roaring “The House That Heaven Built,” two LCD Soundsystem songs (though neither are “45:33,” which James Murphy composed specifically to run to), and CHVRCHES and David Bowie. Honestly, I could have done the entire half-marathon to Aladdin Sane and The Rise and Fall of Ziggy Stardust and the Spiders from Mars (other artist/album pairings that would work from starting- to finish-line: The Number of the Beast/Powerslave; Kill ‘Em All/Master of Puppets; Reign in Blood/Seasons in the Abyss — a lot of metal, basically). Not Blackstar, though. I would have started sobbing before taking my first pathetic step.
3. Pun Songs
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CGqwy_DQnS4
“Born to Run” by Bruce Springsteen
“Run Away With Me” by Carly Rae Jepsen
“Fast As You Can” by Fiona Apple
“Finish Line” by Lou Reed
“Run, Run, Run” by The Velvet Underground
An unnamed pal sent me 10 songs with one thing in common: They all have the word “run” in the title, because he’s an asshole. Only two of his suggestions, “Born to Run” and “Run, Run, Run” (The Velvet Underground isn’t great to run to, but they are my all-time favorite band, so…), made the final cut. “Running Against the Wind” didn’t, but Bob Seger would have if “Night Moves” had been called “Running Night Moves.” (“Night Moves” is easily the best song Liz Lemon ever turned into an ode about eating cheese while it’s dark.) Now, you may think suggesting a song for a running mix just because it has “run” in the title is super lazy, but the more Carly Rae Jepsen, the merrier. I don’t care if my friends are uninspired bums. Love you guys!
4. Parent Songs
“I Just Can’t Wait to Be King” from The Lion King“Don’t Renege on Our Love” by Richard and Linda Thompson
A few days before the marathon, my dad told me that I would immediately recognize what song he picked when I heard it. He was half-right. When Sam Cooke’s “Bring It On Home to Me” came up on shuffle, I figured this must be it. Who else would pick not only a song from the King of Soul, but a live cut, from his legendary Live at the Harlem Square Club, 1963 album?
Well, turns out it was my buddy Chris.
I quickly realized this when, only a few tracks after “Bring It On Home to Me,” another song began playing: Richard and Linda Thompson’s “Don’t Renege on Our Love.” My parents got divorced when I was young, so I spent weekends with my father, and much of our time was occupied by driving to the arcade, driving to the movie theater, and driving to whatever else I wasted his money on (mostly Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle toys). In the car, he would play a mix he self-recorded with songs from Howlin’ Wolf, Los Lobos, and The Thompsons, among others. We must have listened to that cassette dozens of times, and every time “Don’t Renege on Our Love” came on, I would call it “the horse song,” due to its repetitive clip-clop beat. Adorable, I know, and also a good song for running, especially when you’re coasting. As for “I Just Can’t Wait to Be King” (my mom’s addition), it’s a rather inspiring thing.
5. Big Balls Songs
“Big Balls” by AC/DC
I’m not much of an AC/DC fan. Listening to classic rock radio has ruined my enjoyment of “Highway to Hell,” “You Shook Me All Night Long,” and “Back in Black,” assuming I ever liked those songs in the first place (I did not). It’s not that I’m above big, dumb hard rock bands; it’s that AC/DC is too big and too dumb. And yet, I love “Big Balls,” because it’s SO knowingly stupid. It’s also hard to beat a chorus that rhymes “balls” with “balls” six times.
6. Personal Connection Songs
“Cough Syrup” by Butthole Surfers
“Hands Down” by Dashboard Confessional
“Forward to Death” by Dead Kennedys
“Gin and Juice” by The Gourds
“All My Friends” by LCD Soundsystem
“Let’s Pretend We’re Bunny Rabbits” by The Magnetic Fields
“I’m Not Okay (I Promise)” by My Chemical Romance
“All Too Well” by Taylor Swift
“A More Perfect Union” by Titus Andronicus
These songs date back to high school (“Gin and Juice”), and remind me of my first college friend (Dead Kennedys and Butthole Surfers) and dating my girlfriend-turned-wife (The Magnetic Fields). I’ve sung them in sweaty nightclubs (Dashboard Confessional and My Chemical Romance), and sweatier concert venues (Titus Andronicus). They’re my favorite song of the 2000s (“All My Friends”), and my favorite pop song of the 2010s (“All Too Well”). These are the most important songs on the mix, because they’re the ones that I, and whoever sent them, have a personal connection to; they take me to a time and place that isn’t a marathon in Austin. That’s important.
7. Funny Songs
“Daddy’s Boy” from Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
The mix I ran to didn’t just include songs from friends. I also included some of my own selections. It’s mostly stuff that I know I enjoy working out to, but no one else does. Songs like Weird Al’s “Albuquerque” (I’m proud to say I know every last word in this 11-minute epic), the Goo Goo Dolls’ “Eyes Wide Open,” and Neutral Milk Hotel’s “Holland, 1945” (as far as songs about Anne Frank go, it’s the best for running). But I also mixed in some nonsense. “Can I Borrow a Feeling?” from The Simpsons, for instance, and Adam Sandler’s “Somebody Kill Me” from The Wedding Singer. Again, running is boring, but I knew hearing Kirk Van Houten croon would amuse me, and a friend acknowledged there are few things in life I enjoy more than Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt. Being a “daddy’s boy” might not be a thing, but it is to me.
8. Good, Random Songs
“Neighborhood #3 (Power Out)” by Arcade Fire
“Scary Monsters (And Super Creeps)” by David Bowie
“Healthy Moon” by DIIV
“Thy Will Be Done” by Handsome Furs
“Bring It On Home to Me” by Sam Cooke
“Slot Machine/Phaser HQ” by Superdrag
“Diane Young” by Vampire Weekend
It’s like the category says: these are random songs that don’t fit into any particular category. They’re just… good.
9. UPROXX Songs
“Motown Philly” by Boyz II Men
“(Can’t Live Without Your) Love and Affection” by Nelson
“He Got Game” by Public Enemy
I asked a few of my Uproxx co-workers to submit songs. Try to guess who sent what. (Okay, that’s only two; the Public Enemy comes courtesy of Dustin Rowles, because he couldn’t find his copy of the 25th Hour soundtrack?)
10. Parry Gripp Songs
“Guinea Pig Bridge” by Parry Gripp
“It’s Raining Tacos” by Parry Gripp
Anyone who doesn’t start smiling when they hear Nerf Herder’s Parry Gripp sing about guinea pigs running across bridges and tacos raining from the sky is a monster. Running is terrible, especially when visions of tacos dance in your head, but Parry Gripp makes it tolerable(ish).
If you want to listen to this (probably terrible) playlist:
Good luck out there, you’ll probably need it.
