Previously on the Best and Worst of WrestleMania: The Hardy Boyz returned with temporarily functioning brains, Rob Gronkowski helped Mojo Rawley win a battle royal, and Bray Wyatt lost the WWE Championship by doing a slide show in the ring instead of wrestling. Oh, and John Cena proposed to his girlfriend. And Roman Reigns foreclosed on The Undertaker’s Yard.
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Here’s the Best and Worst of WWE WrestleMania 34 for April 8, 2018.
Best/Worst: The ‘Dre
This year’s HBO® Presents The Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal started the kickoff show, and despite my unending love of battles royal, it was pretty uneventful. There were some great little characters moments — Mojo Rawley continuing to make Zack Ryder’s life miserable, Goldust befriending R-Truth again just to dump him and dab in his face (not to mention the polka-dotted body suit) — but overall there was no real story to follow, and it was just sort of a battle royal for the sake of a battle royal. Which, I mean, yeah, I get it. You want to get everyone who doesn’t have something to do on the show, but they aren’t on the show because for the most part they don’t have a lot going on. So the thing with all the guys not having much going on ends up not having much going on.
The finish was fun at least, with Days of Future Past Jeff Hardy (Bray Wyatt) returning from a drowning death like so much Jason Voorhees to help Matt Hardy against former winners Baron Corbin and Mojo. I was hoping Wyatt would come back with a freshened-up look and character — it’s the lake of reincarnation, not the “lake of chilling out and deciding you’ve got a lot in common” — but babyface Bray Wyatt’s something we should’ve done years ago, and anything that keeps him from cutting that same dark-room promo about God and fear gets a thumbs up from me.
Best: T’Challa Vs. Ray Lloyd
The very best part of the pre-show was, of course, Cedric Alexander vs. Mustafa Ali for the Cruiserweight Championship. It’s an incredible bummer that this didn’t make it onto the main card, especially after seeing Ced’s Black Panther-inspired gear and watching Mustafa show up looking like DJZ and Glacier had a baby, but they made the most of the time and spot they had. These two deserve all the love in the world, and I wish they could’ve gotten more of a spotlight to give us a true 205 Live-level main event somewhere in the middle of the card proper.
My only other complaint here is that there are multiple Spanish Flies (or C4s, whatever) in the match, which it feels like they should’ve changed up if Charlotte Flair was gonna bust one out in the Smackdown Women’s Championship match. Maybe Charlotte just watched this, thought the springboard version Ali pulled off was rad and wanted to do one, too?
Regardless of those small qualms, the guys did great work here, and I’m happy they got to do it.
Best: The NXT Union, Or “Bayley’s A Big Kid Now”
The women’s battle royal told a much, much better story than the ‘Dre, with a fully functional Lady Nexus happening in the middle of the match. That’s a great plot point when you’re filling the ring with people that even hardcore fans might not recognize, like Great Khali student Kavita Devi (who sure isn’t great right now) and Taynara Conti. Then you’ve got the mid-tier folks like Dakota Kai (swoon) and Bianca Belair, and more recognizable faces like Kairi Sane and Peyton Royce. Can we uh, swap out Kavita Devi for Billie Kay? I’d love to see this faction continue to show up in one form or another, but I’d hate it if we split up the Iconic Duo to make it happen.
Anyway, one of the biggest pops of the night went to the face-to-face confrontation of what we thought at the time were the final two, Bayley and Sasha Banks. I don’t think it’s a very hot take to say Bayley and Sasha should’ve gotten a huge, spotlight one-on-one match and like 15 minutes on the main card, but there were already 14 matches, so what can you do? The answer’s probably “don’t give a WrestleMania match to an actual child” or whatever, but we’ll get to that. The pop for the confrontation was great, and the reaction to Bayley faking out a handshake to toss Sasha was outstanding. You deserve it, clap clap clap-clap-clap.
I also kinda love that Instant Karma got Bayley, with Naomi showing up and eliminating her. Of all the Charlie Browns in the world, Bayley is the Charlie Brownest.
Best: The Most Inclusive, Representative WrestleMania Ever
Just wanted to take a moment from the wrestling jokes to say how incredible it felt to watch a WrestleMania that truly felt like everyone watching was represented. Just to put it all in a big list, we got:
- a black guy winning a championship
- a black woman winning the first women’s battle royal trophy
- a Muslim babyface
- a special WrestleMania entrance featuring the local LGBTQ community
- the company’s first openly gay female star wrestling in the battle royal in pride gear
- two Japanese Royal Rumble winners in matches as serious main event competitors
- a one-on-one women’s match as the best match on the show
- a bigger female athlete as the babyface, winning the championship in the second one-on-one women’s match
- a guy of Indian descent winning a championship
- the first Indian woman to compete on the main roster
- the first person since Hulk Hogan to main-event four WrestleManias in a row being a Samoan guy
No greater preachy point to make here, I just thought it was fucking cool. Thank you, WWE.
Best: The Triple Threat Burns It Down
WrestleMania started off strong as hell with a triple threat match between The Night King Seth Rollins, a fun Naruto version of The Miz, and not-a-demon-but-still-awesomely-inclusive Finn Bálor. They really busted their asses to steal the show, and came [ ] this close.
There’s so much to love here, from Miz being a “new man” thanks to the birth of his daughter and sending the Miztourage to the back before the match to Seth Rollins completing his transformation into the new Shawn Michaels by adding a “tuning up the band” taunt to his Curb Stomp. That’s such an important touch. Bálor countering Rollins’ superplex into a Falcon Arrow as a callback to their Raw match. The snappy pace. Miz hitting a SUPER Skull-crushing Finale only to have it broken up by a Coup de Grace to his back. The finish, with Rollins stomping Bálor INTO Miz during a pinfall attempt and hitting a second stomp to win. It’s all so good, and one of those matches we’re gonna watch a year or two from now and say, “holy shit, this match rules.” Most of us are saying it already, but you know what I mean.
I’m as tired as the lazy Susan Raw booking as the rest of us, perhaps moreso because I have to write about it all the damn time, but pairing Miz with Rollins and Bálor is such a good idea. It allows Miz to work with wrestlers the crowd generally see as super workers and lets him work on a higher level. It gives what are usually cardboard cutout babyfaces a complex, challenging heel to work with, and keeps them from descending into move spamming like they normally do. Rollins is on a ridiculously different level right now, and Bálor is the tiniest, tiniest character tweak from being the guy we’ve always wanted to cheer, but have rarely been given actual reasons to do so.
This would’ve been the match of the night if it hadn’t been topped by the one immediately following it.
Best: The #1 Entrance In WrestleMania History
At WrestleMania 30 in New Orleans, Charlotte Flair was one of three gothic fantasy damsels for Triple H’s ring entrance. The King of Kings. By the time WrestleMania returns to New Orleans for WrestleMania 34, Charlotte has become a Queen — maybe even the Queen of Queens — and is sitting in the throne. Now she’s got rookies dressed up and worshiping her. Golden lights, ‘Also sprach Zarathustra’ classic, all of it. The journey from one entrance to another is one of the best things I’ve ever seen at a WrestleMania. Even better than the tank.
Anybody know who those Legionaries were? I’m gonna say Tino Sabbatelli, Riddick Moss and Dijak. They’ve all got those nondescript 2008 WWE action figure bodies.
Best: New Orleans, The City Where Streaks Go To Die
There was a lot of talk about how Charlotte Flair vs. Asuka could steal the show, but with matches like Styles/Nakamura and the return of Daniel Bryan happening, it was hard to say for sure. Now that WrestleMania’s over, it’s an easy statement: Charlotte and Asuka absolutely stole WrestleMania 34.
It’s all about the intensity here. Asuka’s whole vibe is that she’s larger than life and on a higher level than everyone she fights. Charlotte is a goddamn Flair, which means she ain’t lower than anybody. There wasn’t much of a story, but there didn’t need to be … it was the two best female singles competitors WWE’s ever seen, the two biggest “history makers,” a champion and a Royal Rumble winner going nose-to-nose, hold-for-hold and strike-for-strike in the first one-on-one women’s match at WrestleMania in YEARS. They matched each other’s pace, aggressiveness and physicality perfectly. They opened up the playbook and gave us moments like Charlotte’s Spanish Fly off the top, Asuka suplexing Charlotte from the apron to the floor and a moonsault into a triangle choke like Zack Sabre Jr.’d suddenly signed up to compete in the women’s division. Asuka targeted Charlotte’s arm, so to lock in the Figure-Eight, Charlotte had to bridge on one arm. And she fuckin’ did it. Her reaching down to brace herself on her one arm is such an unforgettable image.
On top of the quality of wrestling and the emotional storytelling, we got a huge surprise: the end of Asuka’s undefeated streak. It happened in one of the biggest, grandest moments WWE can produce as the high-point of their flagship show of the year. We can fantasy book Ember Moon or Kairi Sane or even Ronda Rousey showing up to end the streak all day long, but the fact of the matter is that no woman on the roster has more in-universe WWE prestige than Charlotte, and having Big Match Flair pull out a gutsy, heart-wrenching win is about as good as it gets.
The post-match interview with Asuka (with subtitles, even!) puts it into perspective.
Standing ovation. Now Asuka the character can expand her storytelling toolkit a little, and maybe we can do Asuka vs. Flair II soon.
At Least It’s Not A Ring Of Maggots: Jinder Mahal As United States Champion
This is a tough match to critique, because it was absolutely horrendous on paper before Rusev was added, but when he was, we knew it was only so he could take the pin. If you dig that Randy Orton, Bobby Roode, Jinder Mahal brand of kick-punchery, you probably loved this. It wasn’t even bad, really — nothing on the show was outright bad for me — but it was very Smackdown, and on a show of flashing lights and fireworks it was a bit of a [fart noise].
Jinder as United States Champion makes a lot of sense, though. The U.S. title spent a long time being a way for people not from the United States to piss off people from it, and hey, it gives Jinder something constructive to do with his character and his “Singh Brothers interfere” finish (which we won with here, too) outside of the main event scene. Jinder Mahal as United States Champion, yes. Jinder Mahal as WWE Champion, maybe never again ever.
I figure Rusev will be fine, but I hope he gets sent to Raw in whatever Superstar Shake-Up™ they do soon. The real highlight of the match ended up being Aiden English shaving his head between the Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal and this. Give those guys the ball already.
Worst: The Smackdown Tag Team Championship Match
A lot of us wanted to see the Usos vs. The New Day at WrestleMania as a reward/extra blowoff for them stealing like half the shows together in 2017. Instead we got a triple threat match with the Usos, New Day and Bludgeon Brothers, and it was … more or less a squash win for the Bludgies. It only got five minutes on a seven hour show, and lasted roughly as long as it took the Undertaker to walk to the ring. Not a joke. The match with the 10-year old was only about a minute shorter. I see what they’re doing with the Bludgies and know this will set up some stuff on Smackdown going forward, but yeah, it was flat and disappointing for me. It never even really got a chance to be anything.
I didn’t love New Day’s little people as pancakes entrance either, but I do appreciate Xavier Woods playing the Dragonzord flute on his trombone to summon them. And hey, at least the Usos got to be on the main show this year.
Worst: Being Underwhelmed By Nakamura Vs. Styles
If I can point to one truly unfortunate thing at WrestleMania 34, it’s that Shinsuke Nakamura and AJ Styles had a one-on-one Wrestle Kingdom rematch on a WrestleMania for the WWE Championship and it was like the fifth or sixth best match on the card. Please read this before you drop down into the comments section to call me names: it wasn’t even APPROACHING bad. It was actually very good. But it was also the first 20 minutes of a New Japan main event without any of the good shit those build to, never seemed interested in getting the crowd engaged and completely whiffed getting them back into it when they lost them, and there wasn’t enough engaging in-ring storytelling to compensate for there being no out-of-ring storytelling in the build. It was nowhere near as good as Styles/Bálor, and aside from Nakamura’s entrance and occasional dickery, it was … forgettable. How in the world did this end up forgettable?
It felt like a lot of those Styles vs. Kevin Owens matches from last year, where you’ve got two of the best wrestlers in the world in a big showcase match and you’re so worried about the booking and the card placement and what everybody’s gonna think about your finish that you do drown it with overbooking and miss the forest for the trees to get to the post-match “setup” for the next thing. In the PR booth I tried to talk this through with other writers, and their general feeling was that this was a good “first chapter” that sets up stuff down the road. And yeah, Nakamura’s turn was much-needed and building for future stuff is great, but a WrestleMania dream match for the WWE Championship featuring a Royal Rumble winner is the last step, not the first one. We’re using WrestleMania dream matches to build up Backlash? Come on.
Again, it was fine, but we all wanted something better than fine. Nakamura’s only really done “fine” since the Sami Zayn match, and it’s starting to feel more like a parody of the guy we loved in New Japan than a fully formed WWE character. Tanahashi should’ve jumped the rail and kicked his ass. The post-match attack gives me hope that we’re finally giving him the bad-ass edge he needs, but he’s also just punching people in the balls, so who knows? Fingers crossed that their next match is the Bryan/Sheamus at Extreme Rules to this one’s Bryan/Sheamus at WrestleMania.
Best: Welcome To A Crazy Reality Where Stephanie McMahon Had A Better WrestleMania Match Than The Usos, The New Day, Shinsuke Nakamura And AJ Styles
After a couple of months of Ronda Rousey showing up to mumble into a microphone and corpse while pointing at the WrestleMania sign, expectations for this were low. They couldn’t even get The Rock in for it like they’d been setting up since WrestleMania 31, and poor standing-at-a-30-degree-angle Kurt Angle had to step in again. Ronda did a bad Samoan drop. It wasn’t great.
And then whoops, it turns out Ronda Rousey’s a big match performer and a huge star with incredible physical charisma who might be fantastic as shit at pro wrestling.
I don’t think a WrestleMania match has ever exceeded my expectations like this. Big Show vs. Floyd Mayweather, maybe, but that had a really fun build. This felt like a disaster waiting to happen, and turned out to be an absolute four-star barn-burner that played to everyone’s strengths, mostly avoided everyone’s weaknesses, and did everything right to portray Ronda Rousey as the biggest deal in the company. Like, I can’t even process it this morning. Ronda RULED here, coming up big in every way an in-ring performer can, keeping the crowd enthralled and making good on every promise the story introduced.
Watch her intensity on that hot tag. The crowd wanted it bad, and to say she delivered is an understatement. She was there to fight, and when we got those visuals, we built on them. She wrecked Stephanie, sure, which set up another confrontation with Triple H. We got boss Triple H making the referee let them fight, and then selling his ass off for her. Stephanie McMahon trained really hard and has that Vince gene that makes her a surprisingly good wrestler as a default, but she wasn’t booked as a threat. The pop Ronda got was partially due to Stephanie desperately needing real, honest comeuppance and getting left alone in the ring. All of Steph’s advantageous moments are sneak attacks or cheap shots. She never like, goes toe-to-toe with Angle.
I hope Rousey’s able to go at that kind of level when she’s up against people who aren’t absolutely bathed in a love for This Business and life-or-death dedicated to getting her over, but for now it’s safe to say she had one of the best debut matches I’ve ever seen, and I’m practically salivating for Ronda Rousey vs. Shayna Baszler.
Oh, one more thing: please keep Kurt Angle workable and healthy enough for at least ONE Daniel Bryan match, please.
Best: Welcome Back, Dragon
I’m happy to type that Bryan Danielson is still the best wrestler in the world.
Taking a step back, the actual match they had was pretty lame and didn’t make a hell of a lot of sense. I think Bryan getting cleared threw a wrench into their booking plans. The entire story has been Kevin Owens and Sami Zayn using Canadian friendship and loyalty to drive their passive-aggressive bosses to madness, and Shane and Bryan sort of getting in each other’s faces all the time about the right and wrong things to do. Then Bryan gets cleared, and the story gets simplified to, “Sami and Kevin are beating them up and need to get beaten up for it.” And that’s what happens. They jump Bryan and Shane before the match and take Bryan out, but he’s able to recover, tag in and light them up to win. Sami and Kevin stay fired, Bryan and Shane are friends who are … I guess in agreement and both in the right? And that’s it. It feels like we sat through two hours of a movie just to watch 15 minutes of another movie’s ending.
That said, it’s impossible as a fan to “step back” from Daniel Bryan returning to the ring, because that is some magical, heartwarming shit. We’ve missed him tremendously now for two years, so they could’ve booked Daniel Bryan vs. Alex Riley in a two-minute squash and we would’ve happily clapped our hands for a week. Zayn worked overtime to sell Bryan’s offense and there was some great emotional storytelling when they were in the ring. Owens and Shane didn’t really add much. A Bryan vs. Zayn one-on-one match might’ve been the way to go, but hey, maybe now we can get that without it having to be worked around.
There are many, many great Daniel Bryan matches waiting for us on the other side of this, and I’m so proud to know that in my heart. Let’s send KO and Sami to Raw to work with Angle and whoever, send Shane home to recover from his Actual Health Problems (and rid Smackdown of unnecessary GM stories for a while), and lean right the hell into Bryan vs. heel Nakamura as soon as possible.
(If Nakamura has an underwhelming match with Daniel Bryan, I swear.)
Best: FU, Cena
John Cena spent a month calling The Undertaker names, making fun of him for how he looks and acts, and generally making a fool of himself at the expense of Raw, Smackdown and multiple pay-per-views. Cena even sat in the crowd making funny faces at the WrestleMania matches. Elias shows up, and Cena goes full John Cena on him, immediately dispatching him with his Moves of Doom and throwing him out of the ring with an Attitude Adjustment for an extremely, extremely mild pop. It’s all the worst parts of John Cena in a concentrated form. So old-ass Undertaker has to zombie his way down to the ring and ruin Big Match John in like two minutes.
Undertaker probably can’t work a 20 minute match right now. If you announced CENA VS. UNDERTAKER AT WRESTLEMANIA, that’s a huge match that’s basically the Styles vs. Nakamura for casual fans. It requires a certain level of quality and action. By having Undertaker and Cena wrestle unannounced, you get to disguise a lot of Taker’s physical failing with Pyro and Ballyhoo™, an Elias cameo, Cena being a shitty dork and way more entrance than wrestling. Because seriously, we’re happy to see him. Whatever he does is fine if he shows up when we think he might not.
It’s not the match their history suggested they should have, but it was something, and it was good to see Undertaker out there looking strong and healthy again. It’s a much better way to go out on the Grandest Stage than sitting up like a shoot dying old person and falling over after a Roman Reigns match.
Note: I hope Raw opens with Elias beating Cena to death with a guitar.
Best/Worst: Nia Vs. Alexa
This didn’t play out how I wanted it to, so my criticism of it falls into “aw, they didn’t give me the thing that makes sense to ME” territory. If Nia Jax is an unstoppable Vader-ish monster who can throw people around and enforce her will on others and Alexa Bliss is a tiny manipulator without a lot of physical power who jerked Nia around for a year and had her manipulations blow up in her face, the match should be Nia instantly murking her, Samoan dropping her so hard it knocks the pink out of her hair, and winning the championship. It’s really the only thing that justifies the gross body shaming stuff they were doing.
Instead, we got an actual match. It’s not bad, and it tells a good story, but I can’t totally buy Alexa on offense against Nia. At least not the kind of offense she was on. They also had to go on after The Undertaker showing up to destroy John Cena AND Daniel Bryan’s return, so the crowd didn’t have much emotional currency left to give them. Still, the right person won, the visual of Nia walking away with the championship while Bliss sits in the corner trying to figure out what she’s feeling and just the general vibe of Nia as champ are both good. I mean, watch this:
Very happy for her. Fingers crossed that her next big story is about her being a bad-ass, and not about her being bullied by people about 1/4 her size.
Worst: Cesaro Loses A WrestleMania Match To A 10-Year Old
Yeah, so instead of Braun Strowman teaming with Elias or Big Show or anybody cool to win the Tag Team Championship, he decides to crowdsource his partner at the last second and picks a 10-year old kid named “Nicholas.” It’s the referee’s kid. Okada and MINORU SUZUKI were in the crowd, as well as an entire city of independent wrestlers, but yeah, no, the ref’s kid is now a Tag Team Champion. The ref’s kid has more WrestleMania wins than Asuka, as many WrestleMania main card appearances as the Usos, and has held more championships on the main roster than Sami Zayn.
Don’t get me wrong, it was cute. I was hoping Cesaro was gonna launch the kid and uppercut him, but yeah, the idea is that Strowman doesn’t need a partner, so he could pick anybody. I assume he’s either gonna find a real partner on Monday or find a different random stranger to tag with in every town, which is a pretty hilarious gimmick. Mania kinda fell off a cliff in the last hour, but to speak to the quality of the show, the bad parts were a good match, a dumb segment, and the Brock Lesnar match we’re used to. That’s still pretty good.
Please Wrestling Jesus, let Nicholas face The Revival on Raw. ISOLATE THE KID.
Best, But Hopeless: Reigns vs. Lesnar II
Brock Lesnar and Roman Reigns has a violent, physical, hard-hitting match that the crowd a billion percent could not have given a single shit about because (1) it’s the Brock Lesnar match we’ve been watching for years, (2) Roman Reigns is extremely unpopular to a large percentage of the audience, especially a WrestleMania crowd, (3) they spammed finishers and had Roman kick out of five F-5s, and (4) this was all happening after like seven hours of watching wrestling, at the end of a week where nobody in the crowd did anything but watch wrestling non-stop.
It was what it was. It was better than Reigns vs. Triple H at 32 by a wide margin, worse than Lesnar vs. Reigns at 31 even without the Seth Rollins cash-in, and somehow what you expected by being the opposite of what you expected. It’s the dove in the brown paper bag labeled DON’T EAT in the fridge of professional wrestling. Whether Roman won or lost, the result felt stale. That’s disappointing, and I hope they either do something crazy with Lesnar to get the championship off him this cycle — even if that means Donald Trump’s favorite wrestler Bobby Lashley showing up — or finally pull the trigger on changing up Reigns’ character, because the “divisive” conversation about him is no longer worth having. He’s great in the ring. He’s a top shelf performer. But “Roman Reigns” the character has such a bad vibe about him that unless he’s got Seth Rollins in one armpit and Dean Ambrose in the other, we’re sick of it.
Anyway, join us next year for Roman Reigns vs. somebody in the fifth attempt to make Roman “The Guy.”
Best: Top 20 Comments Of The Night
Man, Undertaker got the biggest pop of the night.
Bryan: Hold my home brew pineapple cider.
I wish they could cut to Cena in the crowd reacting to that Cena loss.
(descends into Hell)
Undertaker: “I’m back.”
Michelle: “How was ‘Mania.”
Undertaker: “I beat Cena’s ass.”
Michelle: “Good job, honey! Did you get milk?”
Undertaker: “I forgot. Can I get it tomorrow?”
Michelle: “I need it for breakfast.”
Undertaker: (groans) “Fine.”
(raises up to Grocery Store)
Just like Kurt to milk a moment.
Sons of Lethargy
Disgraceful, I can’t believe an evil foreigner won the US Title instead of our Rusev.
That was the Demon entrance to Mike Pence.
Jushin Thunder Bieber
“Wait, this is……I’m outnumbered!”
-Statistician Dana Brooke
The Real Birdman
Brock keeps hitting F5 but this doesn’t feel refreshing at all
Kevin Nash Booked This
“Some say Stephanie McMahon started the Children’s Revolution!”
The internet loves Nicholas!
*Raw starts tomorrow*
We regret to inform you that Nicholas is racist.
Braun is the Jannetty.
Son of Tony Zane
This is an embarrassment to tag team wrestling! Nicholas isn’t even holding the tag rope!
Oooooh I see what they’re doing. They’re trying to give Braun PTSD flashbacks to his days as a Rosebud.
The match had heart, but the post-match forearm to the balls had a forearm to the balls.
I am Jax smirking revenge.
That’s not how that move works, Daniel! You’re supposed to miss the last one! ~ Miz
If we had a triple threat match between Brock, Shane, and a literal boiled lobster, would anyone be able to tell who was who?
Commissioner Shane McMahon may have had a Herniated Abdominal, but at least he has a Primo Colon.
Roman Reigns Wrestlemania main events are like Transformers movies. I don’t know who the audience is and I can’t believe there have been four of them.
And that’s WrestleMania 34. Dab on it.
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And hey, be here tomorrow for the Best and Worst of the craziest damn Raw of the year.
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