Pre-show notes:
– Brandon here. Our special guest writer for the Best and Worst of WWE Payback No Year Necessary is Mr. Nick Bond. If you don’t know who he is:
Nick Bond is the managing editor at The Classical, he’s written for Buzzfeed, and he also runs a wrestling blog called Juice Make Sugar with his best friend Dave. He tweets using his self-appointed, third-person nickname (@TheN1ckster) from high school, because he lacks the ability to process shame. He, like Patty Smyth (and Sergeant Hatred) before him, is a warrior and will die at the hand of his archenemy.
Give him a warm welcome or I will come to your house and fight you in real life.
– Comments, likes, shares and what-have-you are all appreciated.
And that’s it! Please click through to enjoy the Best and Worst of WWE Payback. Take it away, Nick.
Worst: WWE PAYBACK – A Month Late and 55 Dollars Short
I’m usually okay with how on-the-nose WWE PPV names have been since the In Your House era–there’s only so many ways you can say “These Fights Have a Backstory and Someone Might Get Hurt!”–but “WWE Payback” is a bridge too far. Payback for what exactly? The PPV you had like three weeks ago? At least Backlash was immediately after WrestleMania and featured (mostly) rematches from that year’s event. Was Vince hoping that people would forget about the fact that they just spent over 50 dollars for Extreme Rules with a name like this?
Best/Worst: Damien Sandow on Pay Per View–But Not the Part You Pay For
I’m not going to sugar coat it . . . I missed this match. Apparently, when you order the PPV through your TV, you don’t get to see the pre-show. You get to watch Renee Young and That Guy do their best “Maria Kanelis/Matt Stryker from the Best of Macho Man DVD” impression while recapping what’s happened over the last three weeks. Which is fine, it’s not like I feel ripped off.
But it just seems odd that the people who actually paid for the show would be forced to watch the infomercial for the thing they just bought. When you order Oxi-Clean off the internet, it’s not like Billy Mays haunts your house to explain why you bought something you didn’t totally need.
And, as great an idea as I think the pre-show/half-time/post-show concept is–something I’ll get to more in-depth later–the WWE really needs to be careful to not use it too frequently as a springboard for feuds. Even if everyone watched it as intently, this show should be separate from the rest of the circus. Having people routinely start up trouble on there would be the best possible way to ruin a pre-show’s uniqueness by making it just another part of the show.
Worst: Miz’s Stunning Lack of Ring Awareness
There was no chance that Curtis Axel wasn’t winning this match, and even less that it would be totally clean. But, I mean, wow.
I know how silly it is to question why a professional wrestler does or doesn’t do something in a match, but how do you not feel that, Mike? You’re literally attached to Way Barra, and it didn’t seem weird that he stopped wiggling around? Or that he seemed way heavier? OR THAT THERE WAS A GUY PINNING HIM?
There’s a Maryse joke somewhere in that. I’ll let you guys decide which one.
WORST: Triple H No-Sells the Intercontinental Title
I love Triple H. You should probably know this about me. I defended him beating Chris Jericho at WrestleMania 18, Booker T at WrestleMania 19 and even Randy Orton at The 25th Anniversary of WrestleMania. But, this injustice against Curtis Axel WILL NOT STAND. You can try to kill Ric Flair in a cage match for thinking the IC belt was beneath him, you can pretend to blow out your quadriceps so that you don’t have to hold the belt as the 2nd lead in the Two-Man Power Trip. But ruining Curtis Axel’s moment, just to lay the groundwork for Linda McMahon’s return to WWE television? That’s some serious ass bullshit, dude.
WORST!/BEST(?): Jerry Lawler Hates Women, But Maybe Not
Jerry Lawler has been a sleazy jerk for his entire career. This isn’t news. What will be news is the time he finally crosses the line on live television when the wrong person is watching. The WWE really needs to get him to stop, well, pretty much everything, but especially this “Bitches Be Crazy” nonsense. When you couple that with the off-color jokes about abusing women, constantly making references to their weight and just being an all-around Member of the Patriarchy, who needs to #CheckHisPrivilege, it begs for a headline involving “Womyn March on WWE Headquarters after Commentator Makes Inapprorpiate Joke Involving Farm Animals”
But something really weird happened during the Diva’s championship match: he nonchalantly brought up the idea of slut-shaming and the ridiculous double-standard applied to women as it relates to promiscuity. I mean, it was literally in between him saying, “I’ve had three weddings and no anniversary,” and, “AJ deserves a good spanking”; but he actually mentioned out-loud, in public, how silly the idea that AJ is considered a “tramp” (his words), while her boyfriend literally slept his way to the World Heavyweight Championship with barely a whisper beyond how “gross” Vicki was. Congratulations, WWE, on almost sort of being aware of the entire reason that God invented Tumblr.
BEST: A Really Good Divas Wrestling Match
Good wrestling matches should have one of two things, really great action or a really great story. This match had both, in spades: the best storyline for a women’s match since at least Angelina Love and Awesome Kong briefly made the Knockouts division into Maybe Don’t Change the Channel TV, and AJ Lee being thrown around like a ragdoll who was getting everything she deserved.
It actually got to the point–when AJ took the spear–that I started to wonder if Dolph had been giving her tips on how to look like she had been shot point-blank with a bazooka every time somebody hit her hard. And that over-the-table toss spot was a beautiful piece of pink and black art.
I’m with Brandon on this, I don’t think she should have won. BUT, if this leads to a blowoff match, on some level, at Summerslam, it’ll be the first time I’ve bought a PPV partly for a women’s match since the Bush Administration. I think. I partied a lot in college, so all the TNA PPVs I bought kind of blur together.
BEST: Actual Analysis of a Wrestling Match Like It Was a Real Sport
I’ve written about this specific idea before, so I apologize if I’m the only one who actually cares. The entire pre-game/half-time show is precisely the type of thing that shows how innovative and hilariously weird the WWE can be at the same time. These guys are pretending to analyze a fake sporting event as though the things that happened in the ring were not only not predetermined, but also, literally, not what we were actually watching at all. We weren’t watching two people in a fight, we were watching two people pretend to hit each other in a choreographed dance.
And then the guys from Knucklehead, The Wrestler, and Boogie Nights made it sound like we were three guys having an almost-real conversation about the match they’d just watched. It wasn’t quite NBA on TNT, but it was at least as enjoyable as ESPN NBA Countdown–before Magic stopped doing his Shaq impression and Simmons learned how to talk on camera.
WORST: Saying Dean Ambrose Is the Joker
Thanks, Jerry. Thanks for taking the one thing that everyone kind of knew–that Dean Ambrose is basically playing the Joker minus the facepaint–and saying it out-loud so that now the WWE has to start acknowledging the similarity. If this ends with him dressing up like a scene from The Killing Joke for WrestleMania XXX while POD plays his entrance music, I am going to be SO pissed.
WORST: What The F**K Was That?
Why on God’s green earth would you have that be the finish? At least have the decency to let Kane be counted out after getting hit with Ambrose’s finisher and not his way-better version of Miz’s DDT. You have the next Steve Austin. I promise it’s okay if he looks super-good against “the best big man of all time.”
WORST: The Rob Van Dam Is Just Here for the Blunts, the Bitches, and to Get Himself Over
Anyone who had the misfortune of watching–or worse, paying to see–Rob Van Dam wrestle when he was in TNA knows exactly how much this guy cares about making anyone else look good. HAVING SAID THAT, he should be able to stumble into a least one or two interesting spots in between Van Daminators at Money in the Bank if he actually ends up getting in the ladder match.
BEST: Dolph Ziggler is Smark John Cena/Why Are We Even Arguing Who the Best in the World Is?
With all due respect to Mr. Punk and Mr. Cool Dad, any argument about “who the Best in the World is” stops with the two guys in this match (and Daniel Bryan).
I know a lot of people find Alberto Del Rio to be somewhat boring. Those people are idiots. When he’s doing his “Randy Ortiz” impression–freakishly athletic luchador wrestling from a guy who looks like he should be playing swingman for the Spurs–there may be no wrestler I enjoy watching more. I think one of the major issues with Del Rio is how little the crowd cares, but that seems to be less of a function of Alberto’s work than the inability for “foreigners” to get over as faces in the WWE. Outside of comedy acts and the Irish, palpably foreign wrestlers are usually incapable of getting the crowd behind them. I’m sure there’s a reason other than “Americans are depressingly xenophobic,” but I sure as hell can’t think of one.
And there will likely never be a guy who spent his entire career in the WWE that is more over with smarks than Dolph Ziggler. He is universally beloved by the people who care about “wrestling” the most, but vehemently disliked–slightly more intentionally on his/the WWE’s part than John’s bipolar crowd reaction–by fans of sports entertainment, because, well, he’s a bad guy and that’s what’s supposed to happen.
Getting the “Let’s Go [Your Name]!”/”[Your Name] Sucks” is as high an honor as you can achieve in the WWE, and it shows the level Dolph Ziggler has reached in the eyes of many fans on the “smart” side of the aisle. Hopefully this match is FINALLY the one that shows the “WWE Universe” how insanely fun it is to watch Dolph Ziggler do his job, like Cena’s match with CM Punk at Money in the Bank 2011 should have done with smarks.
This was essentially Hollywood (Florida) Shawn Michaels vs. Mexican Bret Hart in a VERY nasty and physical match that played to both their strengths: for Del Rio, look devastating and brutal while smiling, and, for Dolph, the ability to take a shitkicking of nearly Golgothian proportions–perfectly.
WORST: Concussions Are Not Broken Ribs
I love watching a guy work over a body part as much as any warm-blooded wrestling fan, but repeatedly OBLITERATING Dolph Ziggler’s face and head area with an array of way too stiff kicks seems both dangerous and mildly hypocritical considering he sat out a month after getting kicked way too hard in the head.
I understand how important this match will be to Dolph’s inevitable face turn, and he performed brilliantly as the underdog attempting to get over through wit and guile, and he should be proud of the work he did, but man, that many shots to the head is how you end up as bitter as the Dynamite Kid. That and a crippling pill addiction, sure, but the concussions don’t help.
BEST: The Rare and Exotic Double Turn
Like a Tasmanian Tiger, the Double Turn was believed to be extinct since WrestleMania 13 from the WWE’s over farming of tweener characters, logical heels who just didn’t like people, and faces who have decided that being a jock asshole from an ’80s movie somehow makes them a good guy.
But, not surprisingly, Dolph and Alberto managed to find the Double Turn’s inner Coelacanth, resurrecting the trope through sheer force of will. It sounds insane, but if the crowd’s reaction to Ziggler was any indication, this match may end up being the downtrodden business executive’s equivalent to Hart and Austin’s billion-dollar switch. Either way, Dolph is a capital-S Superstar in the making.
BEST: CM Punk’s Blackhawks Love
Anyone who follows CM Punk on Twitter–or knows what dudes that gutterpunk/Chicago are into–is fully aware that he loves the pants off the Blackhawks. From the start, he had his second best set of gear all-time on–even as a huge Red Sox fan, I think the Yankees pinstripes he wore in Boston belong in a museum dedicated to wrestling heels–with those beautiful Blackhawks trunks. Then he screamed “Blackhawks in 7!” before whatever that GTS attempt was, giving a perfect of example of the things that make CM Punk a unique character in the history of wrestling: a totally regular dude that shows up to kick your ass before going to his local bar after the match to watch a game.
WORST: Anyone Who Thought CM Punk Wasn’t Showing Up
There’s a fine line between working the crowd and claiming that your company’s second biggest star wasn’t going to show up to a major PPV. Ignoring the fact that he is the most popular wrestler in his hometown since Bret Hart was King of Canada, CM Punk just not showing up ANYWHERE would be a spit in the face of fans that not even he would think was worth it. That’s because there is NOT a fine line between “Card Subject to Change” and “People Demanding Refunds.” When you say Tons of Fun and The Funkadactyls are going to be on the show, and they get cut, no one is going to ask for their money back. But a WrestleMania headliner not showing up in his hometown because he doesn’t feel like it?
We, as people “in the know,” have a tendency to outthink ourselves on stuff like this, trying to figure out what we’ll be swerved by to maintain the storyline we like the most while completely ignoring how The Business or just, you know, regular businesses that sell patio furniture or whatever work.
BEST: Home Is Where You Make It
This crowd was great, even if CM Punk only seemed sort of into the festivities at the beginning. Though, as it kept going, it appeared that was mostly on purpose, as he built a rhythm as the match progressed, letting the crowd lift his spirits and get him excited to wrestle again.
Also–and as someone born and raised on Long Island, and who went to MSG for Rock’s Survivor Series return and WrestleMania 29, it pains me to say this, but: Chicago is unequivocally the best WWE crowd in the world. They bring a Midwestern love of the “sport” along with a coastal appreciation for all the stuff that makes us wrestling nerds love the “show.”
It’s different than Canada, New York, or Philadelphia because most of the people in these plaes are fans of professional wrestling, not wrestling nerds, even if, of course, there are a fair share of nerds in every major city. It seems like the people in Chi-town just love wrestling, and try not to think about it too hard. There’s no agenda outside of cheering impossibly loud for Punk. Just a visceral enjoyment of the spectacle of oiled gentlemen (and ladies!) fake punch each other.
WORST: Heel in a Land of Faces
The complete and utter lack of stakes was a problem from the beginning, just as nobody thought that Cool Dad Chris Jericho was as good as CM Punk, nobody the arena wanted to see him win. Even when he was a quasi-badass version of his Best in the World at What I Do, no one thought he had a chance against Punk. In Punk’s hometown, he basically played the heel, despite the fact that Punk was the biggest heel in the company for the last two years AND has the biggest heel manager since Bobby Heenan.
Also, the subtle hints at a split between Paul Heyman and CM Punk seemed totally unnecessary. It could be that my love of the Paul Heyman character makes me extra sensitive to changes in the status quo, but can’t we please keep this tandem together until they both ride off into the sunset together? Please?
WORST: WWE Films Presents Daniel Bryan as The Cooler in Payback/Randy Orton Sucks
Oy. I know that Daniel Bryan has turned into a fireball, but the crowd was just not into this match in the least for the first few minutes. Any number of factors played into that, but for me, the key was that while he (read: the RKO) may be over, No One Cares About Randy Orton.
He’s clearly stopped caring about anything in any of his matches, so the crowd basically just waits around for the spots where he gets called “classically vintage” and then LOSES ITS SHIT when he hits an RKO. There really isn’t much else going on with Randy Orton these days, and what’s even worse is that the person seems to bother the least by it is him.
Why this match was on at this point, and not right after the IC Triple Threat, is totally beyond me. Especially considering how effective an actual cooldown match–which is what Ambrose-Kane would have been in the right spot on the card–would have been with/regards/to people getting their dander up for such an inherently laborious main event.
BEST: “DAMNIT, ORTON!”
I don’t know what I loved most about Randy Orton getting blindsided by Daniel Bryan on the errant suicide dive as a man in the crowd screamed “DAMNIT, ORTON!” after they fell, but there are a few things:
1. The E replaying the clip WITH the guy yelling at orton;
2. The guy audibly blaming Orton for the mistake for the next minute or so;
3. How much everyone in the crowd also seemed to be blaming Orton for messing their dude’s rhythm;
4. How much the crowd LOVES Daniel Bryan and only wants what’s best for him. The guy yelling at Randy sounded like somebody’s dad getting made at a basketball or hockey game when one of the big goons on the other team jams up the undersized wunderkind; and
5. Randy Orton’s completely indifferent reaction to everything, up to, and including, losing the match in large part because of his refusal to watch tapes of old Daniel Bryan matches.
Eventually, Orton will be heel again, and all will be right in the world, but for now, smarks hate Randy Orton almost as much as they hate Triple H or John Cena. And normally, I’d defend those guys, but I mean, really, Randy? ANOTHER RESTHOLD?
BEST: Nip This in the Bud
For any number of reasons, a Randy Orton and Daniel Bryan tag-team-type thing going any longer than a the three or so weeks this has been building is a terrible idea. Daniel Bryan has been on as hot a run as anyone in the E since “The Summer of Punk,” and Randy Orton CLEARLY doesn’t want to be a good guy anymore. So, why bother keeping them together, especially when you have the Kane/Daniel Bryan breakup to tease/consummate that has significantly more gravitas.
If this ends with Orton punting people’s heads off again by Summerslam, this may end up being the Best Best of the entire show for me.
WORST: Alex Riley Has a T-Shirt
I really don’t have much to say about this, and I can’t find evidence of it on WWEShop, but apparently this guy has a shirt. I mean, I guess Brutus Beefcake got a couple of shirts and a logo, too, but The Miz ain’t Hulk Hogan. Also, one other thing: why does it does the shirt have “SAY IT TO MY FACE” written on the back? Are you supposed to give A-Ri the old Vulcan Mind Meld/Reach-Around?
BEST/WORST: “This Is Not Some Guild of Calamitous Intent”/“Goldberg” Chants
Ryback’s transformation into an honest-to-God supervillain has been truly a sight to see. Totally logical, while also being a complete douche, he’s managed to leave enough ambiguity–and be egregiously hostile enough to fans–that he works as a heel for nearly everyone who doesn’t hate John Cena at some kind of unhealthy level.
It’s allowed him to put on matches with some of the best workers in the company and show what he can do with the right person in the right amount of time. I’ve love Ryback since he was Skip Sheffield, and have looked forward to him reaching exactly this level–main-eventing PPVs at the Big Bad Heel–since the first season of NXT. He’s not Goldberg. He clearly loves wrestling and wants to get good at it, not just cash out. He’s worked hard to develop into a better-than-competent performer with some freakish physical attributes, which is, for the most part, what people want to pay to see. It’s not his fault that most wrestling fans prefer big dudes trying to destroy each other. He’s just responding to demand in the marketplace.
He’s not the talker, or the worker, Batista is, but he’s on his way to a very enjoyable career if he can stay healthy and not eat his way out of the business like so much Ahmed Johnson.
WORST: Lumberjack Matches
BEST: OK, That Was Not Terrible
That jump into thirty guys was a perfect example of two things: how shitty and stupid Lumberjack matches can be, and that anyone who thinks that John Cena isn’t a great Sports Entertainer completely ignores his ability to make relatively boring things like Lumberjack matches very interesting. He’s willing to sacrifice his body for nearly any match and does everything you could possibly want the champion of a professional wrestling company to do.
Lumberjack matches are especially boring, forcing an inordinate amount of disruptions to the natural flow of the matches so that guys can get worked over on the outside. Also, not being able to explain that some guys are faces, while others are heels, makes who beats up whom much harder to explain or even lampshade. John Cena and Ryback did as good a job as one can do to add even a modicum of interest to easily the worst gimmick in the history of professional wrestling.
Which is why people who don’t like him really need to get over it, as not only is he “here to stay,” he’s been throughout his career–and continues to be–one of the 10-15 best wrestlers (seriously, look at the 40 or so guys on the list some time) to ever hold the WWE Title. He’s had the best 2 non-WrestleMania matches of the last five years, the 2 best free TV matches of all time and has done so while working with everyone from Big Show to Rey Mysterio. Can we PLEASE stop comparing him to Hulk Hogan?
WORST (EVER): Ambulance Matches
WORST (EVER EVER): Recycling Endings For Ambulance Matches
Ambulance matches may not be as boring as Lumberjack matches, but they are just as convoluted. Any container match has a special kind of boring mixed right in, but again, these guys did their best to do fun things with the ambulance, and anyone who didn’t at least kind of enjoy Ryback hitting John with the front panel he ripped off should probably just watch something else.
But, speaking of Batista, this ending was as dumb as it was when Cena did it to Batista at Over the Limit. I just hope that Ryback doesn’t hit the old dusty trail like Dave did when he got evaporated by that AA from the top of the car.
Best: Top 10 Comments Of The Night
Tobogganing Bear
If Meredith Brooks has taught me anything, it’s that Payback can actually be many things.
LastTexansFan
“ONE…TWO…THREE!” “And your winner, via countout…Curtis AXE-wait what? Really? Are you sure?”
GN Punk
Big E Langston just got tossed? When did Mike Chioda turn into Angel Hernandez?
Fancy Catsup
RVD is returning right in time for the next Fozzy tour, so I guess he’ll be assuming the role of the upper-midcard veteran to work with the midcard guys and occasionally the main eventers.
In other words, we’re trading Cool Dad for Towelie.
IterumDiffero
My boyfriend wants me to point out the Wolvie chops are a troll at Jericho since the “best in the world at what I do” line is ripped off from Wolverine.
Godamilk
While mid-air in the lionsault, Jericho should boast about the Winnipeg Jet’s prospects.
burgermike
Every week I forget that Randy Orton is on the show, and every week I am disappointed when he shows up.
This is like Memento, but if instead of a dead wife it was a snake I wish were dead.
dang
The Fourth Stage of Hell is having to watch the match.
Mohamed El Amin
Should’ve made the first stage of hell a treadmill match, Cena.
Man Of 1004 Holds
I guess the rubber hammer people make ambulances too.
