Pre-show notes:
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– Be sure you’re reading With Leather’s This Week In Horrible-Looking People every Monday. This week we did a thing about WWF trading cards from 1992. Three different Virgil cards! You’d hate yourself if you missed that.
– Before you read this week’s column, be sure you’ve read The Best And Worst Of WWE Payback by guest writer Nick Bonds. Big thanks to him for filling in on that. Check it out and tell him nice things.
– GIFs via Jerusalem at Punchsport Pagoda.
Please click through to enjoy the Best and Worst of WWE Raw for June 17, 2013. THAT’S WHAT YOU DO.
Best: Alberto Del Rio Is Totally Right (And So Was Zeb Colter, Technically)
I’m a total homer for the bad guys on Raw. I like wrestlers who have a reason for doing what they’re doing and a game plan when they step into the ring, and usually heels are the only ones who do that. Assuming pro wrestling was 100% on the level and you were a pro wrestler for real, what would you rather do … be that guy who rushes into everything and jumps around and crazy and pays more attention to the crowd around you than your opponent, or a guy who understands what you can and can’t get away with, makes sure his friends has his back and does everything he can to win? “Kicking out” doesn’t automatically equate to “trying hard.” A guy busting his ass to cheat for 20 minutes is trying WAY harder than a guy kicking out of everything.
Anyway, when Alberto Del Rio ceased to be the “OKAY USA” guy from Bloodsport and morphed back into the body-part-assassinating, dynastic motherf**ker I used to love, I got back on board. I loved the match against Ziggler at Payback. He wrestled like a guy who listened to everything the announcers say wrestlers should do … he was ruthless, he was aggressive, he “stayed on him,” he kept going for big moves to put his opponent down and did everything he could within the rules of the match to win the World Heavyweight Championship. He was rude to Big E Langston and AJ Lee, whom the announcers hate, because they cheat and get in the way. This made him a heel, because he was wrestling a guy we “like.” A guy who won the title against an injured man using a novelty briefcase, immediately got hurt and sat out five weeks, then wrestled even though he wasn’t totally over a concussion. I love Dolph Ziggler a lot. You know that. But reading that paragraph? Del Rio’s right.
He was also right when he opened last night’s Raw by explaining his actions. He won a match fair and square and got booed, but the guy he beat only HAD the title because of a cheap cash-in. And then when he got into a feud with Jack Swagger, assholes in the crowd chanted U-S-A and chanted along with the “We The People” gag whether they really liked Swagger or not. You aren’t a plebe racist for not liking Del Rio, but many of the people not liking him alongside you are, and he’s completely justified in the fact that he put in six months of work as a hand-clapping babyface and didn’t have shit to show for it.
(Also, Zeb Colter was technically right about Del Rio being dishonest and competing in the United States under false pretenses. Which is … uh, kinda sad. Del Rio’s still got that US flag on his shirt, though, so credit where credit’s due.)
Best: Welcome Back, CM Punk! Or
Best: CM Punk Knows The Easiest Types Of Matches To Win
CM Punk made his grand return to Raw and/or the Hugh Jackman reboot of The Machinist last night, and I’m glad to have him back. I hold Punk to a very high standard, the same standard that has turned me so vehemently against similarly talented wrestlers like Chris Jericho and The Rock, and the time off seems to have done him a favor. He looks fresher. He sounds better. He doesn’t have the dust on him from that year-and-a-half title reign anymore, and he can pretty much do whatever he wants until he thinks wrestling’s boring.
Him interrupting Del Rio simply because Del Rio claimed to be the “best” was pretty easy, as was him redoing the “I’m breaking up with Paul Heyman” thing I guess nobody watched on the WWE app last night, but he didn’t call anybody “amigo” so I’m calling it a Best. I’m also giving him a Best for going two-for-two in matches that are historically the easiest types of WWE matches to win, namely:
1. return matches after time off
2. non-title matches against guys with titles
On next week’s Raw he should win a Divas Number One Contender Battle Royal and make it a hat trick.
Best: Welcome Back, Christian! Enjoy Beating The Worst Wrestler In History
“We know who THAT is, Tazz! It’s Christian Cage! Christian Cage is in the Impact Zone!”
Speaking of matches that are easy to win, Christian made his return to Raw and pinned Wade Barrett. Is it weird that I feel like Wade Barrett losing a match when he doesn’t have a belt is progress?
It’s great to have Christian back. I have the softest spot for guys who briefly made WWE’s version of ECW the best pro wrestling show on television … Christian, Punk, Mark Henry, Goldust, Jack Swagger, Abraham goddamn Washington, even Sheamus when it comes to his in-ring stuff. People love to shit-talk WWECW, but it was great from episode one (THE ZOMBIE) all the way through that fun period when we thought Elijah Burke had talent and Shelly Martinez was the hottest possible vampire and into its final days, featuring Interim Champion The Brian Kendrick. Then it became NXT, which gave us so much of the stuff that makes Raw what it is today (Daniel Bryan! Ryback! Fandango! … uh, Curtis Axel!) and that “Elijah Burke’s gonna be GREAT” version of Wade Barrett. That begat the Full Sail version of NXT which is literally Jesus Christ in the form of a wrestling show. So yeah, it’s all just one big warm fuzzy soft spot.
Let’s hope Christian stays healthy long enough to actually DO something this time around.
Worst: While I’m Thinking About It, That Finish From Payback
This has been bugging me so much, and I’m sorry if everybody already knows it and has had the conversation. I just need to type it.
Curtis Axel won the Intercontinental Championship in a triple threat match against The Miz and Wade Barrett at Payback. He did so by pinning Barrett while Miz had Barrett in a figure-four. Now, to most people, it worked well … it was creative, Miz had the timing of being tangled up in Wade’s legs down perfectly and Axel continued his weird streak of beating guys by proxy.
What bugged me about it is that there’s NO WAY that should’ve counted as a pin for Axel. It has been long established that if you have a guy in the figure-four and he lies back on the mat, his shoulders are down and it counts as a pinfall. The referee invariably counts a dude’s shoulders down in that situation. It was like 20% of Ric Flair’s figure-four psychology. So if The Miz had Barrett in a figure-four and Barrett’s shoulders went down for any reason, Miz is pinning him. If Axel rushes in and covers Barrett while Miz has the hold on, it’s like two guys are covering Barrett at once. A normal referee would call off the pin and make them fight it out. A bad referee would count with both hands and make them co-champions, or whatever. NO ref should ignore Miz’s legs and pretend like Curtis Axel won the match. The argument could be made that when Miz realized what Axel was doing and tried to get out of the figure-four he was “releasing” the pin or what-have-you, but f**k that, no. That should’ve broken up the pin for both guys. I hate this so much.
Best: This Accomplishes Nothing, But At Least Sheamus Didn’t Beat Rhodes Scholars By Himself
Yes, I’m giving this a Best because Sheamus did not White Noise Cody and Damien at the same time and Brogue Kick them like dominoes and just stand over them slapping them in the face with his dick for ten minutes. I thought he got in a little too much offense and got a little too close to actually winning (Damien Sandow can take Sheamus to the limit by himself and so can Cody, but both of them working together are gonna lose in half the time?), but wrestling’s been doing handicap matches like this since before I was born, so somebody thinks it works. It made the good guy look tough, but the bad guys still got the win.
What is the point of this, though? Sheamus one-upped Sandow physically in like 90% of their interactions and has won every one-on-one match between the two, and now he’s proven that he can beat Sandow plus another guy just as good as Sandow by himself. Sandow won by sneaking in and scoring a flash pin with a ONE MAN ADVANTAGE. If your goal was “make the crowd think Sandow’s a coward,” congratulations, you’ve done that with every other f**king Damien Sandow segment since he showed up. You can do other things now!
Worst: “Hey Guys, Do You Like Wrestling? Wrestling Was My Idea.” – Triple H
They devoted a hundred segments to it and I can’t possibly recap them all, but here’s the gist of it: Raw has a thousand authority figures that conflict with one another and outrank one another in criss-crossing patterns, so if you’re one of those characters, you simultaneously have ultimate power over everyone and no f**king idea what to do. Vickie Guerrero is the GM of Raw and wants to do what her bosses say, but she’s got THREE BOSSES wandering around on the same show (not to mention an assistant who appears to have her same authority and powers). Those bosses are all mad at each other, so they’re making passive-aggressive decisions to undermine the other and everyone gets confused and buried and everything sucks. That’s pretty much it, right?
Here are my WWE Authority Figure Power Rankings for the June 17, 2013 edition of Raw:
1. Vince McMahon
Vince seemed remarkably chill last night, earning him the top spot on the Power Rankings. Sorta hates Kane. Thinks The Shield is cool. Managed to interact with Vickie Guerrero on multiple occasions without calling her fat and stupid until his mouth ran out of spittle to hurl.
2. Vickie Guerrero
Made a bunch of matches and WWE Fan Active polls for Raw before the show started. Is trying to please everybody. Worst case, she has an awful voice and does that Brock from Pokémon thing where she states the obvious. “CM Punk wants to face Alberto Del Rio tonight? Great idea! Let’s just do that!” etc.
3. Brad Maddox
Isn’t really helping. Has gone from “funny backstage improv guy” to “guy who wears vests and squints a lot.” Falls two spots from his assumed number one position at the top of the Power Rankings for gleefully taking credit for RVD. Jesus, don’t take credit for that.
4. Triple H
“You guys signed RVD, right? Just kidding, I did that. Oh you made good matches for Raw? I thought of those before I even got here. What would you do in a hypothetical situation? Probably nothing, because you aren’t Triple H. I don’t care, though. I didn’t even bring it up.”
5. Stephanie McMahon
Has been a regular character for three weeks and has already found a way to ruin the entire women’s division (more on that later). Is the worst. Replaced her rap song about how she’s a cool sexy business lady with a different, cheaper rap song about how she’s a cool sexy business lady.
6. Teddy Long
(note: I don’t watch Smackdown so I have no idea if Booker T is still in charge, Teddy Long is still his weird personal liaison or if either of them is even still alive.)
Best: Kane And Daniel Bryan Stop Being Tag Team Partners Without Being All Stupid About It
You know what’s great? When characters can remain consistent and interact with one another without screaming and crying and throwing themselves or others into flaming dumpsters.
Since last Summer, for better or worse, Daniel Bryan and Kane have been complex, evolving characters. They came together in the most fun, organic way a pair of randomly thrown-together main-event types have ever come together, and even when they hit that boring patch where they did nothing but beat The Prime Time Players five times a week, they were always doing something and going somewhere. If you’re gonna break them up, it’d be a cop-out to have them have a big knock-down drag-out thing about it. These guys graduated from therapy together. That’s a bond that doesn’t end in chokeslams.
The best way to do it is what they did — have Daniel Bryan and Kane realize their problems aren’t going to fix themselves by having more matches with The Shield, decide that they want to spend some time as singles wrestlers, and call it a day. Team Rhodes Scholars did something similar, so when they started teaming up again it wasn’t a big deal. They can still be friends and interact backstage, they just don’t have to wear matching gear and stand on the ring apron during the other’s matches. Win-win. Also, PLEASE AND THANK YOU TO A DANIEL BRYAN WWE TITLE QUEST.
Worst: CONCUSSIONS ARE THE ONLY THING WE’RE ALLOWED TO TALK ABOUT FOR THE NEXT MONTH
So, Randy Orton and Daniel Bryan have a No Disqualification match. Unlike the last two months of Daniel Bryan on Raw, this one was slow and plodding and full of guys falling straight back and flat to sell clotheslines. GUESS WHAT THE DIFFERENCE IS.
Daniel Bryan made Randy Orton a lot more enjoyable to watch, but at the same time Randy Orton’s gravity pulled Bryan down to his level, so it sorta evened out. It was fine, but one of those matches built around Orton slowly stomping people and trying to locate kendo sticks. Anyway, during the match, Bryan goes “wait a minute, this is supposed to be EXCITING” and tries a dive to the outside. Orton sidesteps it (“matador-like,” according to Michael Cole) and Bryan goes flying headfirst into the barricade. The match continues, but Bryan is visibly shaken up and not doing things crisply, and eventually the doctors are like “yeah, no” and stop the match.
WWE is currently obsessed with concussions, both real and fake. Dolph Ziggler lost five weeks of a Heavyweight Championship reign because Jack Swagger kicked him in the head for realsies. Fandango’s out because of a concussion, too. Triple H does NOT have a concussion, but everybody else was getting one and he’s gotta have whatever everybody else has only better, so he got 10 minutes of a Raw ending build around how concussed he is and how tough he is for tryin’ t’fight through it. Now Daniel Bryan has gone sailing headlong into a guardrail, and they’re doing the “he’ll be on Smackdown IF HE’S CLEARED TO COMPETE” thing.
Here’s are your two problems:
1. WWE is doing a good thing by monitoring concussions, but guess what? You’re a pro wrestling company. You pay people to hit each other in the face and fall down on their head, and you control them to the point that they’re “independent contractors” or whatever and can’t unionize or have any real benefits. So you make them hurt themselves, then get crazy about whether or not they’ve hurt themselves. Remember when WWE cracked down on blood, and suddenly every drop of blood meant 10 minutes of doctors dabbing foreheads? Remember when chairshots got outlawed, and the default animation became that super lame “chair rim to the stomach, flat shot across the back?” Now they’re doing it for injuries we can’t see. Pretty soon Raw’s gonna be like Saturday Morning Slam, where the only moves allowed are Jim f**king Breaks World Of Sport pins and hip tosses. Hip tosses onto mattresses, because back pain is the silent killer.
2. By introducing kayfabe concussions into the story, no injury can happen in the ring and be taken seriously. We’re always gonna wonder whether or not it was an angle. Did Bryan really get kabonged on that dive, or is it a story to set up how he’s the weak link? It’s impossible to show compassion for injuries now without feeling like a rube. It’s like when a Diva’s knee goes out in a match. She’s just faking it to get an advantage. If Aksana fell into a wood chipper and her leg blood sprayed me in the face, I’d still think she was just playing opossum until six weeks later when it doesn’t go anywhere. Same goes for Daniel Bryan’s brain. Every way we’ve got to tell that the show has ended and real life has begun has been compromised. Fake concussions, fake Xs being thrown up by refs, Owen Voices for shit that doesn’t require them.
WORST: The Hunter’s Wife Becomes The Hunter
AJ Lee and Kaitlyn had a match at Payback based on like three years of personal backstory between the two. It was a good match with a (relatively) clean finish. It had nothing to do with Stephanie McMahon.
But LO, here arrives Big Steph to tell AJ Lee that she’s doing a number on feminism and ruining the Divas division, or something. The division where the title belt is a sparkly pink butterfly. The lady telling AJ that she’s doing anti-feminist things is the same one who got pies thrown in her face by the Planet Of The Apes apes. The one who let John Cena slap her on the ass. The one who made out with Eric Bischoff while he was dressed like her father. The one who faked a drugging, kidnapping and rape to make her dad mad. The one who rolled around in hay and shit with Trish Stratus. The one.
THEN, as if showing up to lord herself over AJ wasn’t enough, she interrupted Kaitlyn trying to challenge AJ to a rematch by telling Kaitlyn to never interrupt her again. And also that none of the other Divas should mess with her. A woman who has NOTHING TO DO WITH THE STORYLINE showed up to run down the champion, run down her challenger and run down any other possible challengers FOR NO REASON.
The worst part of THAT is that WRESTLING IS NOT REAL. If Stephanie was a real person reacting to real situations, sure, she can be justified in doing whatever she wants. But guess what? Kaitlyn didn’t really interrupt Stephanie. She was WRITTEN to interrupt Stephanie. When AJ replies to Stephanie by saying she married a superstar, and Stephanie responds with a comment about how that wasn’t original? YOU GUYS WROTE AJ TO SAY THAT. YOU ARE PURPOSEFULLY NEUTERING THE HEEL AND FACE CHARACTERS ON YOUR SHOW. The woman who is in charge of what happens on the show can’t pretend like she’s getting mad at people for letting things happen on the show. It doesn’t work like that. It’s why Triple H shouldn’t be able to be a C.O.O. in real life AND in character AND a wrestler, because he gets to make all the decisions, faces no consequence and can take credit for everything. Stephanie has now officially ceased to be Triple H’s wife, and is now just Triple H in a wig. God, imagine how much better we’d all be if he’d just kept dating Chyna.
Congratulations on being cheered over everybody else, Stephanie. You don’t have to wrestle next week, or try to sell t-shirts, or keep crowds interested in you to keep your job.
Worst: What Made The Internet Worse Tonight, Kaitlyn’s Nip Slip Or Dean Ambrose Saying “Spanking”
No comment.
Best: Antonio Cesaro, Real American, Or
Best: Bill Regal On Raw!
First things first, William Regal put more effort into selling a double stomp to the stomach than Randy Orton put into filming two feature-length films and 15 years of wrestling.
Second things first (first things second?), HEY EVERYONE, CHECK OUT ANTONIO CESARO BEING RELEVANT AGAIN! Zeb Colter has officially tucked and rolled off the Jack Swagger train and found himself in the company of Claudio motherUFOing Castagnoli, Properly Immigrated Superman. Cesaro’s adopted Swagger’s manager, Swagger’s catchphrase, Swagger’s basic gimmick (“I am being an American correctly”) and even some of Swagger’s mannerisms. WWE morphed the two characters into one, and smartly kept all of the actual wrestling parts from Antonio Cesaro.
I think an extremely Not American guy being the most “American” guy on the show is hilarious. It works because it so obviously does not/cannot/should not work. The most important aspect of it is that it keeps Antonio Cesaro The Performer moving forward and a part of the show, gives him something to do, lets him be in matches that don’t end in him jumping into RKOs for no reason and, crucially, drops the f**king yodeling forever.
Worst: Indignant Michael Cole
The worst part of the gimmick co-opt for me was how badly Michael Cole dealt with it. He just could not understand why it was happening, and was more or less being a huge mark and getting heated over it. He wouldn’t stop yelling about how stupid it is and how it doesn’t make sense, which are the two worst things you could do here, because
1. Telling wrestling fans that something is stupid is not a way to get them to buy into it. You should never say “this is stupid” on a show that is built on a rocky foundation of stupid bullshit to begin with, and I should not have to tell this to the guy who gets paid to talk about wrestling on television. And
2. Zeb Colter has already explained it. He explained it on color commentary LAST week, when he was in the booth with Cole. Cesaro is an easy scapegoat for the racist nationalist guy to say he’s “okay” with foreigners who come here legally and extoll classically American virtues, which he SAYS are strength and intelligence and decency and shit, but he really means “he’s white.” Michael Cole would get this if he watched wrestling for five f**king seconds and opened his ears and eyeballs.
The one horrible thing NXT gave us (besides Lucky Cannon) is Michael Cole’s freedom to be simultaneously indignant and ignorant on a microphone.
Worst: John Cena Telegraphs The Next Segment By Announcing That He Won’t Find Out His Opponent Until The Next Pay-Per-View, Because That’s Totally How Wrestling Works
HI I’M JOHN CENA, THE CHAMP IS HERE
TO RECAP, 2012 WAS TERRIBLE FOR ME. REMEMBER HOW WE KEEP SAYING THAT? I LOST THAT ONE MATCH TO THE ROCK AND IT RUINED MY LIFE. I HEADLINED WRESTLEMANIA AND IMMEDIATELY BEAT BROCK LESNAR IN AN EXTREME RULES MATCH A MONTH LATER. I BEAT BIG SHOW IN A PPV MATCH TO GET THE BOSS I HATED FIRED A COUPLE OF MONTHS LATER, THEN IMMEDIATELY WON THE MONEY IN THE BANK LADDER MATCH. I HAD THREE WWE CHAMPIONSHIP MATCHES RIGHT AFTER THAT. ONE WENT TO A DRAW, ONE WAS A TRIPLE THREAT MATCH WHERE I DIDN’T GET PINNED, AND THE THIRD I LOST BECAUSE I GOT JUMPED BY THREE GUYS WHO WEREN’T IN THE MATCH. I THEN LOST A TLC MATCH WHERE I WAS CHALLENGING FOR A BRIEFCASE I HAD NO RIGHT TO CHALLENGE FOR, BUT ONLY BECAUSE MY BEAUTIFUL GIRLFRIEND WHO I HATED PUSHED ME OFF A LADDER AT THE LAST SECOND. I GOT REVENGE BY PUBLICLY SHAMING HER INTO INSANITY AND BEATING HER BOYFRIEND CONSISTENTLY FOR TWO MONTHS STRAIGHT. AS YOU CAN SEE, THIS IS CAREER ROCK BOTTOM. PARDON THE PUN. THE CHAMP IS HERE
WHAT WAS I SAYING
OH YEAH, I JUST WON AN AMBULANCE MATCH, A LOT LIKE THE ONE I WON LAST FEBRUARY AGAINST KANE DURING THE WORST YEAR OF MY CAREER OR WHATEVER, AND NOW FOR SOME REASON I DO NOT HAVE A WWE CHAMPIONSHIP CHALLENGER. I WILL NOT KNOW WHO THAT CHALLENGER IS UNTIL THE MONEY IN THE BANK PAY-PER-VIEW, WHERE NO MATCH IS SCHEDULED FOR ME, BECAUSE THAT IS HOW WRESTLING WORKS. OH LOOK, A LARGE, SUPER STRONG BAD GUY HAS COME TO THE RING FOR SOME REASON AND ASKED ME TO STICK AROUND. I GUESS I WILL STAND HERE AND CLAP FOR HIM UNTIL HE’S DONE. SURELY NOTHING BAD WILL HAPPEN, BECAUSE THE CHAMP IS HERE
LOVE JOHN CENA
P.S. I TOTALLY DON’T KNOW WHAT’S ABOUT TO HAPPEN
Best: It Burns When You Cry
The reason the “Stephanie McMahon makes everybody look stupid and unimportant for no reason” segment didn’t get eighteen more paragraphs is because of how great this was. This saved the show for me. Until this, I was a bundle of negative energy. Afterward, I was smiling and laughing and running around my apartment typing happy things. This is the kind of Raw moment that justifies the 95% crap-to-greatness ratio we sit through every week. When people drop the “WHY DO YOU WATCH IT IF YOU JUST COMPLAIN ABOUT IT” talking point it’s impossible to say “because the good stuff is just SO GOOD” and make it sound believable, but … yeah, that’s it.
Mark Henry brought a pair of boots out and dropped them on the stage. He was wearing an amazing octuple-X salmon blazer, talking about how father time had caught up to him and how he missed his wife and kids, and how he wanted to step away from wrestling and go home to them. The crowd clapped and cheered. They chanted “thank you Henry.” They made jokes about Mae Young and Sexual Chocolate, and he playfully joked with them about it. He cried real tears. John Cena handed him the WWE Championship for a photo op, but Mark humbly handed it back to him, saying that the belt has to be earned. When he was done, John came into the ring and raised Mark’s hand so everyone could give him one final farewell. Then, because Mark Henry is the greatest and baddest motherf**ker in pro wrestling, Mark scooped him up, World’s Strongestly Slammed him and popped back into SHOUTING MARK HENRY MODE to scream I GOT A LOT LEFT IN THE TANK
Mark Henry is better at this than most people. He’s stronger than everybody else, sure, but he’s a great actor and a KILLER improviser. He’s threatening, kind, scary, heartwarming, bleeding from the heart and ice cold in his veins all at the same time. He’s in his 40s and doing the best work of his career, and has been on fire since 2011. If Mark Henry had stepped away because of age and been replaced by the equally old, worse at everything Rob Van Dam, I don’t know if I’d have been able to take it.
I love you, Mark Henry. You’re my favorite person.
Best: Raw Is Renee!
Two Bests here:
1. Mark Henry saying “rear end” instead of ass, which is charming and wonderful.
2. An appearance by Renee Young, who should be an excuse to put Matt Striker in a basket and set him adrift on the river.
If you read the Best and Worst of NXT column every week you already know how much I love Renee. She’s good at her job, pretty and her hair is always perfect. She is rainbows and waterslides. She is the polar opposite of Matt Striker, and yes, consider Striker’s random appearance later a supplemental Worst. In a perfect world, the broadcast team would consist of Scott Stanford, William Regal, Brad Maddox with his goofy pointless improv turned up to 10 and Renee Young.
Actually, if we’re talking a PERFECT world, Renee Young wouldn’t be on TV at all, and would just live at my house and watch tapes with me.
Best: Standard Best For Heath Slater Appearances
Triple H AND the announce team tried their best to bury 3MB (including a weird cutaway to Drew McIntyre on the outside where they threw shade at him for no reason), but who cares? They’re 3MB. I’m giving Heath Slater a Best for any instance of him taking a move, flipping his hair around and collapsing into dust. If Wendy’s hadn’t started putting Hot Wendy into summer situations, Slater would be my favorite Raw redhead.
(He might be anyway.)
Worst: Quick, Name 3 WWE Superstars Who Have Plateaued
Check please.
Worst: By The Way, Are We Seriously Still Doing The Sin Cara Mood-lighting?)
Put it away, guys.
Best/Worst: Pro Wrestling As A Time Killer
The main-event between Alberto Del Rio and CM Punk was good at times, but ultimately meaningless. It’s the kind of match I hate the most (champions taking non-title losses for no reason) combined with the kind of match top level attractions like CM Punk should never be wrestling, especially not on television … those matches where guys wrestle for 10 minutes for the sake of wrestling, then arbitrarily end the match to get to loosely (or un-) related storyline stuff.
Let me put it to you this way. Pretend you didn’t see anything that happened between the bells. You’d still get Dolph Ziggler running out to attack Alberto Del Rio and run him off backstage, and you’d still have Brock Lesnar showing up to confront CM Punk. What did you miss? The same moments and spots you see from these guys in their other matches? You might as well just pretend wrestling happened and let them rest and heal up. I complain about the way WWE Fan Nation videos are cropped (with the last minute and five minutes of post-match stuff always included, but nothing else), but sometimes they just get to the point. I am no worse off for not knowing how Del Rio worked in the enzuigiri. Are you?
Best: WELP, HERE COMES THE PAIN
I knew I’d kept that Jimmy John’s logo up on my Twitter for a reason.
It’s a total Wait And See Where It Goes™ scenario — next week Lesnar could call CM Punk “Phil” and Punk could ask Brock why his nuts are in Paul Heyman’s walrus fannypack or whatever — but for now, I get CM Punk back in a fresh feud featuring a match we’ve never seen and a bunch of characters I enjoy. Underdog Punk, dominant shoot dickhead Brock Lesnar, conflicted and lying-out-his-ass Paul Heyman. That’s all good. Those are three of my favorites.
One thing though … did Punk get smaller? When he takes the hoodie off his body shrinks by 20%. When Brock was in there they looked like Joel and Ellie from ‘The Last Of Us.’
And yes, that makes Stephanie McMahon a Clicker. She reacts to sound and can bury you in one hit.
Best: Top 10 Comments Of The Night
Grimm
CM Punk is Tony Wonder, sitting in the dumbwaiter until someone says “best”.
Disco Lando
This is leading to “Heyman Guy Black & White” and “Heyman Guy Wolfpac,” right?
Harry Longabaugh
“Christian! Christian! At last, you’re on my phone!” -new ad for the WWE App
Breaking Hurd
Sandow finally proves the Rosenberg-Stansky Postulate that 2 > 1
Hough610
After the match Orton’s going to ask Daniel Bryan why sometimes there was only one set of footprints in the ring. Daniel Bryan will reply: “The times when you have seen only one set of footprints, is when I carried you.”
Whole Fn Show
GET BACK ON THE PLANE BRANDON
Dr. Chim Richalds
**BACK STAGE**
HHH: “Do you hear that? They’re chanting… ‘HHH’….”
Stagehand: “I think that’s ‘One more match…”
HHH: “Well, you’re fired.”
MillionDollarDan
Here’s the guy pretending to be a rock star.
and his opponent, Heath Slater.
TheRealMSol
They should have renamed McGuillicutty Joe Perfect. Then when Josh show up for a comment, he goes, “Excuse me, Mr. Heyman, Mr. Perfect, can I just…” and Joe cuts him off with, “Josh, please, call me Joe. Mr. Perfect is my father!”
LastTexansFan
MIZ’S INNER MONOLOGUE: “Dude you’re saying ‘Listen’ a lot.”
MIZ: “Listen.”
INNER MONOLOGUE: “Ok, calm down, just try and think of another way to start a sentence other than listen.”
MIZ: “Listen.”
INNER MONOLOGUE: “That’s it I’m outta here.”
