Pre-show notes:
– If you don’t click this, the post won’t show up and all your wrestling jokes will be invisible.
(Just kidding, but click the F out of this, please.)
– Programming Note: This week is (American) Thanksgiving, which means we’re taking a week off from the non-Raw Best and Worst reports. There’s a chance I’ll double up on the NXT report next week, but spend time with your families, dude, don’t worry about the Corey Graves jokes.
– GIFs via WrasslorMonkey at Punchsport Pagoda.
– Follow us on Twitter @withleather, follow me personally @MrBrandonStroud and like us on Facebook.
– Follow my attempt to be a famous screenwriter here, and follow my attempts to not be super-horrible at ring announcing for a real wrestling promotion here. Our next show is in Austin on January 5 and has SPECIAL GUESTS. They are extremely special, so go check out the page.
Please click through for the Best And Worst Of WWE Raw for November 25, 2013.
Worst: Wait And See Where It Goes
Okay, so about that “wait and see where it goes” thing. Stop doing it.
If WWE has proven one thing in its 50 years of existence, it’s that you can never, ever wait and see where it goes. It doesn’t go anywhere good. Ever. The goodness of WWE is in the journey, not the destination. Every good story you can think of has a bad ending, partially because WWE doesn’t have seasons so you can’t cleanly separate a plot point from an “ending,” and the stories just go on and on forever until they get retconned or rewritten or forgotten.
Take the Summer of Punk for example. That was cool, right? Money in the Bank was amazing and ended with Punk leaving WWE with the WWE Championship, blowing a kiss to Vince McMahon. If that’d been the end of a season of television or the end of a story, it would’ve been great. We could start fresh with the next thing, and where it goes wouldn’t change the goodness of what happened. But it doesn’t work that way and we’re stuck in this static purgatory of always waiting and being in the middle, so “where it went” was:
1. CM Punk winning the title in a match special guest refereed by Triple H
2. a pinfall loss to Triple H thanks to interference from Kevin Nash
3. Punk never getting revenge on Nash, then teaming with Triple H
4. Punk and Triple H losing to R-Truth and The Miz, then Triple H shuffling himself in a feud with Nash
5. Punk hanging out in the mid-card for the rest of the year (whether he was champion or not)
If you want to really get into it, Punk held the title for 434 days in a reign that would’ve been important if we still lived in a time when title reigns were important until it was time to lose to the more important wrestlers, i.e. The Rock and The Undertaker. Of course these were high profile matches and wrestling is fake so it’s not like Punk was getting “buried” or anything hyperbolically stupid like that, but he did go from the Most Important Thing to a thing that loses to the More Important Things.
Now, let’s look at how Daniel Bryan. “Where it went” was:
1. Daniel Bryan winning the title in a match special guest refereed by Triple H
2. an immediate pinfall loss to Randy Orton thanks to interference from Triple H
3. Bryan never getting revenge on Triple H, followed by three consecutive bullshit PPV finishes
4. Triple H shuffling himself and Orton into a feud with The Big Show and eventually John Cena
5. Bryan hanging out in the mid-card for the rest of the year. With CM Punk.
Again, Bryan’s not being “buried” or anything ridiculous like that because he’s a popular guy who has great, often high-profile matches on every show, but he’s gone from the Most Important Thing to a guy who gets all his heat and moments and catchphrases usurped by the More Important Things. Cena, Orton and Triple H are all in the ring while the crowd chants DAN-IEL BRY-AN. Cena pipes in to say “want to know why these people are chanting Daniel Bryan?” The only acceptable answer should’ve been “because they love Daniel Bryan and would rather see him out here right now instead of all this bullshit,” but nope, it was “because they’re tired of the AUTHORITY~!” Cena co-opts the crowd’s support of Daniel Bryan to justify a John Cena vs. Randy Orton match for BOTH TITLE BELTS under the supervision of Triple H.
So, without sounding melodramatic, “where it goes,” based on everything that has ever happened in WWE ever, is to the people WWE sees as its biggest stars. That’s it. If WCW invades, it leads to a “Winner Take All” Survivor Series match featuring 9 WWE guys and 1 guy from WCW. If the Nexus invades and instantly builds 8 new stars, it leads to John Cena and Bret Hart beating them to death until they’re worthless. If Punk catches fire, it leads to Triple H vs. Kevin Nash. If Bryan catches fire, it leads to Cena vs. Orton. I’m sorry, but it’s how wrestling works on this level, and no amount of you clapping your hands and wishing will change it.
Learn to love the journey and forget the destination, guys. I’m going to try to take that advice myself.
Best: WWE Remembers That The Other Members Of The Shield Are Important, Too
Roman Reigns going nuclear at Survivor Series and spearing four guys was fun, but it did sorta make Roman look like the best and most important member of the team. One of the cool things about The Shield is how they’ve always been portrayed as equals, so it was nice to see the focus get shifted back to a guy like Ambrose, who lately has been all “the Internet says they love him” without a lot of justification. He’s been the hapless one who takes pinfalls and loses non-title matches. Here, he gets to be the Ambrose we love: a guy who will save his teammate instead waiting for him to take a finisher, plant your face into the ground with a headlock driver and then do a weird little mini-worm before he pins you.
The opening match was a lot of fun, but like every match involving these guys I wish it had been longer. We didn’t forget about Roman being on fire, either, and got an awesome little sequence where he out rope-bounces Goldust and reminds Rey Mysterio that 619s do not exist in this dojo. Good stuff.
Positive complaint: they should stop doing the best stuff on the show first, so I have something to look forward to. The two hours between this match and the Punk/Bryan/Wyatts thing seemed like a decade.
Worst: Rey Mysterio’s Shirt
Okay, this is bugging me. This is the back of Rey Mysterio’s new t-shirt:
Firstly, the Spanish word for mask isn’t “máskara,” it’s “máscara.” You know, like Mil Máscaras, a guy in your Hall of Fame. There is a 100% chance that WWE didn’t want to write “máscara” on the back of a t-shirt because they thought wrestling fans would see a shirt with pink writing and the word “mascara” on it and think it was gay.
Secondly, even if you pretend they’re the same word, “la máskara del 619” is gibberish. The mask of 619? That has got to be the laziest combination of Rey Mysterio identifiers ever. You could say it means “the mask of San Diego,” but you’re missing a bunch of words to establish that context, and WWE hasn’t bothered explaining what “619” means beyond “DIALIN’ IT UP, MAGGLE” in years.
F*ck it, let’s try to get Mysterio’s next shirt to say 6 MASK 9.
Worst: WRESTLING IS FAKE, EVERYBODY, LOOK, LOOK AT HOW FAKE IT IS, LOL
On this week’s episode of MizTV, the Miz and Titus O’Neil (?) team up to mock Michael Strahan, which brings out Strahan himself and leads to an impromptu wrestling exhibition where Strahan shows he’s a better wrestler than the two wrestlers and then everybody dances. Oh, and in the middle of it Miz explains that he’s a bad guy, which is why he’s doing these things.
Look, I know I’m barely in the wrestling business. Running a blog that some wrestlers read and doing a little ring announcing officially makes me the least important person in the history of wrestling, but at some point even I, a guy with no credibility to make this point whatsoever, need to stand up and yell STOP EXPOSING THE BUSINESS in these guys’ faces.
Celebrity guests are important. I get that. You became a nationally-known product thanks to Cyndi Lauper and Mr. T. It gets you on SportsCenter and raises casual fan buyrates for WrestleMania. That’s all fine. But just like how Flo Rida should’ve have shoved Heath Slater on his ass, Strahan should not (and most, importantly, does not need to) get a physical advantage over the guys whose physical prowess we have to buy in a fake world on a weekly basis. At least Mark Cuban is cool enough to get has ass kicked every time he comes on the show.
Strahan spent the rest of the night systematically destroying the WWE Universe so I’ll move on with a simple, “we should never do MizTV again.”
Best: Poor Titus O’Neil Tried His Best To Save That
The best part of the show for me was Destiny looking up from her work, seeing Titus O’Neil playing Michael Strahan, having no idea who either of them are and saying, “did you see that? The gap in his teeth is fake.”
Titus deserves a bonus for trying his best to keep the segment afloat, stopping Strahan and Miz to be all, HOLD ON LET’S GET THE CROWD HYPED UP FIRST. At least one of these guys has been to wrestling school.
Best: I Am A Mark E Mark
I know this is already starting to sound like the most complainy column of all time (and I haven’t even GOTTEN to the women’s match yet), but as far as the wrestling goes, the show started off two-for-two. The opening trios match was fun, and just when I thought they were about to do another goddamn Curtis Axel vs. Big E Langston title match, the camera panned to the right to reveal Ryback, which (using WWE piece-by-piece feud logic) meant Big E was teaming up with Mark Henry. HEART SOARING.
Of course, there’s a downside to it. WWE really can’t let two people of color exist in the universe without teaming them up or feuding them against one another or both. See also Woods, Xavier. But the truth of the matter is that I love Big E and Mark Henry a lot and they’re both big powerhouse guys who throw people around and weirdly scream about their dominance, so I’m super okay with them teaming. Even if Lawler was a little too on-the-nose with his “hey guys, is this maybe sorta possibly THE WORLD’S STRONGEST TEAM??”
One of my favorite things about the match is how it puts Langston in context. He’s really not that big. He’s 80% pectoral. He seems like he’s huge, though, which says a lot for his ring presence and his confidence. Put him next to Mark Henry and he looks like Carlton Banks standing next to Uncle Phil. OH GOD THEY ARE TOTALLY CARLTON AND UNCLE PHIL.
They should’ve brought up Xavier Woods as Mark Henry’s sassy, troublemaking urban nephew. Teddy Long can be Geoffrey. Alicia Fox would make a pretty good Jackie. Sasha Banks can be Hilary. She already has the last name! Who should be Jazz? R-Truth? If you throw him out, does he spin a bunch before he hits the ground?
Worst: This Is Why We Stream Pay-Per-Views
Quick, I’m gonna run down the card for this Raw. Tell me if it looks familiar.
– John Cena and The Big Show vs. Alberto Del Rio and Randy Orton
– The Shield vs. Goldust, Cody Rhodes and Rey Mysterio
– The Miz vs. Kofi Kingston
– Big E Langston and Mark Henry vs. Curtis Axel and Ryback
– CM Punk and Daniel Bryan vs. The Wyatt Family
– A Divas 7-on-7 elimination tag match
If you break up the Cena/Show and Big E/Henry tag matches into their respective rivalries, that is THE ENTIRE SURVIVOR SERIES CARD REDONE FOR FREE THE NEXT NIGHT. It’s like they showed up to Raw on Monday afternoon without a script, and Vince just waved his hand at them and said DO THE PAY-PER-VIEW AGAIN, NOBODY WILL NOTICE. Seriously, with no titles changing hands at Survivor Series, the only thing left to justify a $50 price tag is The Real Americans vs. The Usos. The difference between a pay-per-view and a Raw is a match you’d see on Main Event. That is RIDICULOUS.
The worst offender was the Divas tag, of course, with the same “everyone’s damage in the red” rinse and repeat pinfalls and everything. The only real difference is that the “stars” of Total Divas won this one and not Natalya, who I guess is only important to people stupid enough to pay for a pay-per-view. I can’t think of a time when the dry erase board with permanent marker all over it was sadder or more obvious.
Worst: WOMEN ARE GARBAGE, MAGGLE, HEH HEH
Somehow the commentary on the Raw version of the Divas match was worse than the pay-per-view’s, and delved into some of the most insulting, offensive material the a-hole announce team has ever attempted.
Normally it’s just Cole and JBL saying “this is BORING” over and over while Lawler masturbates under the table, but last night they actually made me want to turn off my television. The worst offense was when Summer Rae got into the ring, when they just started shouting incorrect information (Summer Rae being the “least experienced” Diva in there while Eva f*cking Marie is standing on the apron) and insulting her for being a woman. Watch that video clip and jump to the 1:20 mark. Summer is trying to get the story across to the audience … you know, like she was taught down at NXT, where women who wrestle are women who wrestle and not “women on wrestling” … and JBL goes:
“HOW BOUT THAT, SHE CAN COUNT! IT TOOK HER A WHILE. SHE ALMOST HAD TO USE BOTH HANDS BUT SHE GOT TO THREE.”
Then they do the exact same joke they did last night, and the crowd chants “TWERK, TWERK, TWERK, TWERK.” Then Summer Rae loses to Nikki Bella’s “rack,” which is a joke about how she got breast implants. “That’s the best rack I’ve ever seen!” They botch a hug and then do the easy, backwards version of the worm. Eva Marie no-sells this, either because she isn’t paying attention or because she has the coordination of ring post. JBL laughs about how he’s going to twerk, and Cole and Lawler just kinda say “twerk!” and chuckle until we’re done.
I don’t know what this accomplishes or why you’re doing it, besides “making 45-to-70-year old rich asshole white men laugh.” I guess that’s always the point. TWERK, YOU GUYS. IT’S A JOKE.
Worst: Symbolism
Here’s Damien Sandow and Dolph Ziggler lying around in a bunch of garbage.
Best: The Ring Crew Express Getting Name-dropped On Raw In 2013
CM Punk is like Sweetums and ‘Parks and Recreation’ now. He just shows up and everybody in town loves him, so he says a bunch of garbage and we gobble it up because obesity levels are up 100%. That’s not to say that Punk isn’t great at what he does and valuable to the economy of the WWE Universe … but yeah, when he’s a fan favorite, his promo content is just jabbering and listing things until we cheer.
That said, I fall for it sometimes, too. I’m a fat citizen of Pawnee. I was all prepared to be WOW COOL GREAT COLT CABANA REFERENCE PUNK, LET’S TALK FOR SEVERAL HOURS ABOUT CLIFF COMPTON TOO MAYBE, and then he references Matt Classic and my brain goes THING I LIKE, THING I LIKE and cools down. He references the Rock n’ Roll Express and the Midnight Express and my elitist wrestling jerk frontal lobe goes, “yeah right, you couldn’t beat EITHER of those teams,” and then he references the Ring Crew Express and my heart swoops back to 2004 Ring Of Honor and everything is great and nothing hurts.
I think my heart yearns for that era of independent wrestling so badly because back then it felt like local wrestling belonged to me, and wasn’t a brand you say you support because it makes you a certain thing in the eyes of strangers. I don’t think I’ve ever gotten over that. Watching a thing I love and cherish and understand grow up and blossom into an adult I don’t understand.
I should probably never have kids.
Best: More Of The Good Stuff, Or
Worst: When The Referee Just Stops The Match Because They Don’t Have An Ending
Despite it being Another Goddamn Handicap Match™ and a Survivor Series rehash, I enjoyed the The Beard And The Verse/Wyatt Family rematch. Seeing Bray mix it up with good wrestlers is a first for Bray on Raw, and I think a singles feud with Bryan or Punk would do him wonders. He’s already wearing his weird butcher clothes at house shows and on WWE.com, so maybe that weird false start caused by the Cena injury is over, and we’re back to where we were supposed to be in September … with Bray abducting Daniel Bryan a few weeks after he abducted Kane.
Kane’s abduction was quickly forgotten and written off with some clotheslines out of the ring on Harper and Rowan, but hopefully Bryan’s will go somewhere fun. I hope Bryan’s documented history of mental disease and rage problems makes him hard to brainwash, causing Bray to go all crazy on him. How can you brainwash a guy who thinks and reacts off the top of his brain? Every Daniel Bryan sentiment is fresh. That’s why it’s usually just “yes” or “no,” and situations like Punk asking him a non-yes-or-no question requires like 20 seconds of selling and a request for an explanation. In theory, that’s where they should’ve gone with Kane, too. You can’t brainwash Bryan because he’s a rage monster, and you can’t brainwash Kane because he’s already way more evil than you. But I guess “guy in suit who does nothing” was a better role for Kane.
I’ve gotta say, though, if I ever get to the point where I don’t enjoy Daniel Bryan running back and forth between turnbuckles dropkicking dudes in the face, retire me.
Best: SUDDENLY ROMAN
Bryan gets carried away by the Wyatts and Punk rolls out of the ring to either save him or go backstage to check Twitter and see if everybody liked his Colt Cabana jokes (depending on your level of cynicism), but then NOPE, INSTANT ROMAN
INSTANT ROMAN NOODLES
That’s probably the best GIF in this history of this column. I love how the cameraman just stood there filming Punk, assumedly knowing that Roman Reigns was barreling around the corner behind him, intent on catching the moment as it happens without interference like a nature documentarian.
Michael Cole was all WHO DO SHIELD WORK FOR the entire time, but I like to think it’s this mutually understood dislike for Punk’s pandering. Like, Dean Ambrose legitimately doesn’t think the Ring Crew Express are good enough to warrant a name-drop in 2013. Seth Rollins thinks Colt Cabana’s podcast sucks maybe, and Roman Reigns thinks a guy who hasn’t worked out in 7 years shouldn’t be pinning Ryback clean with lazy leg-lifts. And they’re all TOTALLY RIGHT, but they’re also assholes, and maybe Paul Heyman found their number in his rolodex and realized he could hurt Punk without having to show up to wrestling shows and stand in the middle of the ring.
Worst: The Wyatt Family Becomes Comedy Kane
It’s like they have no common since!
You know how Kane is a demented fire rapist who once chokeslammed his brother onto their dead parents’ bones, but has spent most of his career showing up backstage to do impressions and make out with ladies as jokes? That’s sorta what happens with every big scary guy in WWE, because for whatever reason they have no idea how to maintain gravitas and are paying you, so you might as well twerk. Great Khali, Big Show, Viscera, they all turn into comedy jokes until someone decides they’re “serious” again and nobody buys it.
The Wyatts aren’t there yet, but Rowan showing up to give Michael Strahan a sheep mask was the first time they’ve gone in that direction. Even Santino was there, WWE comedy Black Racer that he is. So now during his guest hosting sting Strahan has laughed about how fake wrestling is, beaten up two wrestlers and participated in the first Wrestle Goofs from the only legitimately threatening people on the roster. What else can he do?
Worst: Brie Bella Does Not Give A Shit About Her Abducted Boyfriend
Oh, yes, he can have a DIVAS LOVE THE GUEST HOST memorial segment including a visit from Brie Bella, who think it is more important to get a football signed and wish Michael Strahan happy birthday than care about her boyfriend, who was just beaten up and abducted by the Wyatt Family.
Theory: The Wyatts abducted Bryan so they could get Michael Strahan’s autograph. They’re weird, so it’s the only way they could think of to make it happen. Rowan TRIED to get an autograph earlier, but Strahan didn’t understand what he was going for. He was trying to trade a novelty mask for a signature. But they know the Bellas are (in-canon) starf*ckers, so they just punched people and stole dudes until it worked.
Secondary theory: WWE writers are the worst and only remember character relationships when it’s important to the plot. They probably don’t even remember that Bryan and Brie are dating, even though it’s happening on two different shows.
Best: Goldust
Goldust is cool enough to make an Eva Marie appearance enjoyable. Put this man in the Hall of Fame.
Worst: What, Was Melissa Joan Hart Too Busy To Be In This Movie
Is that one of the Cheetah Girls? Are the Cheetah Girls still a thing?
Worst: People Care About Miz/Kofi Almost As Much As They Care About Christmas Bounty
I don’t like Miz or Kofi and don’t think the matches they’ve had the last two days have been great, but I do see them trying, and I appreciate the effort. I like the realistic touch that they can be evenly-matched rivals because they’re on the same level. Kofi is a guy who feels like he’s got natural talent and kinda connects with the crowd, but can’t get the job done in the ring and can’t string anything meaningful together to become a big star. Miz is a guy with ZERO natural talent and zero connection to the crowd who had a hot couple of years where everything sorta went right for him and fell in his lap, but it slipped away, and nothing he’s done has been able to get it back. The crowd’s sorta turned on both of them, and people mostly sit on their hands while they wrestle, even when they’re wrestling their asses off.
At the risk of sounding like I’m insulting them for no reason, it really does look like two guys who have been taught the fundamentals and have put them all together, but still need like 5 years of experience to make it work. Unfortunately both of these guys have been around for years already.
If I’m WWE, I’m cutting these guys in favor of wrestlers with promise and upward mobility and letting Kofi and Miz be Mr. Andersons somewhere else. People are gonna complain, but frankly if it ain’t working it ain’t working, and those SKILLZ ALL DAY shirts aren’t exactly flying off the shelves. John Morrison is essentially Kofi Kingston + The Miz already, and his entire post-WWE career has been “show up somewhere and be all right and have nobody care.”
Best: The Kosher Butcher
“If I wrestled, I’d cut part of your DICK off!”
I wish that was on the back of his t-shirt. So a guy makes a huge charitable donation to Hurricane Sandy relief and WWE lets him make a circumcision joke on television. If that’s not the most perfect WWE public relations moment ever, I don’t know what is. The best part was Jerry Lawler pulling away and getting nervous when the guy mentions circumcisions, like he hasn’t been a walking dick joke for the last 18 years.
WWE should take all the tertiary fan characters they’ve created this year and put them in a King of the Ring style tournament. Put the Kosher Butcher in the ring with Stone Crusher, with the winner moving on to face the YALIMINADAHHHHH.
Worst: Did Brodus Clay Die? Is He Dead
R-Truth wanders out and announces that he and Brodus Clay, who is not there, came up with an idea to get Xavier Woods over: having Xavier Woods pretend to be Brodus Clay? I don’t know. I guess Xavier Woods’ gimmick is that he’s slowly appropriating the characters of every other black wrestlers in WWE until he’s the only one left. In six months he’s dance out to this music with Big E’s chalk on his hands, Boom Dropping Drew McIntyre before doing a bunch of James Brown splits and World’s Strongest Slamming Slater and Mahal. Yeah, that’s … that’s all of them.
If Brodus is getting shit-canned or is in the doghouse for some reason, I hope his response to them is always, “I’m a giant, you made me be a dancing Run DMC dinosaur, I got over, and now you’re mad I’m not STILL over? The f*ck is wrong with you? Write me more than one thing every two years.”
Best: Michael Cole Trying To Explain Dragon Ball Z Meme Jokes
The Xavier Woods vs. Heath Slater match featured two very important moments of commentary. The first was Michael Cole explaining that Xavier Woods has “OVER 9000” on his tights and trying to explain it. To Cole, it means YOU GOTTA TRY HARD EVERY DAY. No mention of Nappa, Goku’s power level or how Xavier Woods has probably never watched Dragon Ball and just knows it from the meme. If he’d gotten called up 10 years ago his tights would have ALL YOUR BASE ARE BELONG TO US on them. Same difference.
Michael Cole recapping episodes of Dragon Ball Z would be the BEST, though. Him just raising his voice and yelling THAT MOON’S A HOLOGRAM! THERE’S NO WAY IT WOULD REFLECT THE BLUTZ WAVE!
Worst: JBL Doesn’t Understand Non-Literal Phrasing
This one comes at the 1:10 mark of the video. Cole says that Woods claims to have been “born in a barrel of butcher knives” and JBL just CANNOT HANDLE IT, getting SUPER PISSED OFF that someone claims they could’ve been born that way. THAT IS THE BIGGEST BUNCH OF MALARKY I’VE EVER HEARD. NOBODY WAS EVER BORN IN A BARREL OF BUTCHER KNIVES. THAT’S RIDICULOUS. THAT’S NOT HOW HOSPITALS WORK. IT WOULD BE EXTREMELY UNSAFE FOR THE MOTHER AND THE DOCTOR AND ESPECIALLY THE BABY MAGGLE. TOTAL MALARKY.
Even Lawler eventually has to be all, “Jesus Christ, it’s an expression.”
Best: Woods Ditching The Funkadactyls And R-Truth To Celebrate With The Kosher Butcher
All right, that was a good call.
Worst: Let’s Just Plow Forward With Whatever We Were Planning, Who Cares
Nobody gives a f*ck about this main event. Do you? Do you really need a paragraph about it? Here, look at this face, it tells you everything you need to know:
Officially sick to f*ck of this. No more John Cena/Alberto Del Rio matches ever. Ever.
Worst: The Finish Everyone Is Expecting
So at TLC, John Cena’s facing Randy Orton in a TLC match with both titles on the line. That wording is important. “Both titles on the line.” They haven’t said anything about unification. Cena just thinks that one guy (himself) should be both champions.
Because of this, almost every wrestling fan with a brain’s brain went EXCLAMATION POINT like in Metal Gear and came up with the finish of the match. It’s gonna end with both of them on the top of the ladder and falling off, pulling down the other guy’s belt. Cena falls with the WWE Championship and Orton falls with the World Heavyweight Championship, and instead of unifying the belts or crowning one undisputed champion they just switch. Because Cena’s the WWE Champion NO MATTER WHAT and the WHC is for jerks. Or whatever.
I think at least 20 people tweeted me this idea, and frankly I’d be shocked if they did anything else. My favorite idea so far is to have Cena and Orton squabble over the belts for a few months and fail to unify them, then have Punk and Bryan pull the Lex Luger/Bret Hart simultaneous Rumble win gag and build to a Cena vs. Orton vs. Bryan vs. Punk WrestleMania main event for a single, unified, undisputed, unf*ckwithable championship.
(and then Triple H wins that)
(Shawn Michaels is the special guest referee)
Best: Curtis Axel Art Project
Things aren’t looking great for ol’ Curtis these days, so in this week’s edition of the Curtis Axel Art Project I asked you to present the poster for a new WWE Film starring the former Intercontinental Champion. These were your contributions:
(continued on the next page)
Thanks for your submissions, guys, I’m passing them along to the WWE Studios crew immediately.
Best: This Week’s Curtis Axel Art Project
Axel’s popularity is slipping, especially amongst the Internet guys who used to say he was an underused talent back when he was losing game show competitions to Low Ki. So this week, we’re working to make Axel popular on the Internet again. I want you to recreate Curtis Axel as your favorite meme. How you do that is up to you.
Just be sure you submit it to me by tweeting it directly to @MrBrandonStroud and including the hashtag #CurtisAxelArtProject so I can keep them all together. Note: I can’t include porn on UPROXX, so be careful with your Rule 34 Curtis Axels.
Best: Top 10 Comments Of The Week
Harry Longabaugh
Two belts and no pants to hold up.
Lester
New Miz t-shirt slogan: DOESN’T MATTER. MARYSE.
I’m gonna keep suggesting it until it happens.
El Platano
Harper is the Leatherhead to Bray Wyatt’s Rat King.
BluBop
Michael Cole before commercial: “The time for joking’s over.”
Michael Cole after commercial: “TWERK TWERK TWERK.”
Downbound
Did you know Christmas Bounty has more WWE Superstars than It’s A Wonderful Life, A Christmas Story, and Die Hard put together?
PhilBallins
According to Wyatt family rules you two are married, better pack up for the bayou.
BRBRCK
WWE: “You guys are dumb! You’ll love this movie!”
-Every time WWE makes a movie
TheRealMSol
As a native, I’ll tell you what a “Long Island Lumberjack” match is: Each wrestler must first pay Big E Langston $20 at the curtain in order to enter the arena. Then, when he gets to the ring, it’s surrounded by 200 guys who like Zack Ryder, Tomko, or John Cena. All of these individuals have the interpersonal skills and respect for others of Randy Orton. After finally fighting their way to the ring, the wrestler returns to find his girlfriend being talked up by 3-4 of the Zack Ryders.
A “Strong Island Street Fight” is just another way of saying 2:15 a.m. Sunday morning.
papermint
I just got a call from work and they are paying all women even less now, and instituting a mandatory ass-slap policy. THANKS DIVAS MATCH.
HeyYouWrestler
if the shield does break up, can Roman Reigns adopt Kaitlyn and become an intergender tag team called the Spear It Squad?
Thanks, everybody. Two columns in two days is tough. See you next week, far away pay-per-views, kinda!
