Pre-show notes:
– If you’d like to read previous Best and Worst of WrestleMania installments, you can do that here.
– I attended this show live and will be spending the rest of the day driving home from New Orleans. The plan is to write up a little bit about the weekend in a separate piece, but I wanted you to have this report before I’m figuratively “stuck on a plane” and you’re enjoying the best Raw of the year.
– If you missed our hype leading up to the show, you may enjoy:
1. The 29 best wrestlers with only one WrestleMania match
2. Ranking all 21 of the Undertaker’s streak matches
3. The 29 worst celebrity guests in WrestleMania history
4. Ranking all 29 WrestleMania main events from worst to best
– Share this column. This is the big one and needs your support.
– Follow us on Twitter @withleather, follow me personally @MrBrandonStroud and like us on Facebook.
Please click through for the Best and Worst of WWE WrestleMania 30.
Best: Let’s Just Make The Show Half An Hour Longer And Put The Pre-Show On The Show-Show
At this point, saying things like “why isn’t the tag team championship match on the actual show instead of the pre-show” makes me feel like a bad Internet wrestling fan. What sucks is that it’s a totally correct statement. The tag team championship match SHOULD be on the main show. In theory, the tag titles should be the second most important thing in the company behind the world heavyweight. It’s the championship of two guys instead of one. Why is that such an impossible thing to celebrate?
There are just some complaints you can’t come up with new ways of expressing. Still, though, the pre-show match was really pretty great, and no combination of The Usos doing EVENT OMEGA splashes, Cesaro bossness and El Torito highspots (even if they take two tries) is gonna earn a Worst from me.
For the record, this was the view from my seats:
Being at a WrestleMania without an obstructed view was a new and thrilling experience for me, but I had to watch most of the pre-show on the screen as people wandered by and tried to find their seats. There was also a guy in the section in front of me with a sign that said WILL YA LOOK AT THAT printed on what appeared to be a ream of old printer paper so it was like a big scroll. He’d stand up and roll it out over his head horizontally every time he though the camera was on him, effectively blocking the entire ring. The good news here is that everyone eventually found their seat, and that guy’s natural athletic ability prevented him from standing and doing a basic arm motion after about 20 minutes of trying to be seen.
The other new experience for me was “indoors.” I’ve been to three WrestlesMania — 24 and the two main-evented by The Rock — and they were all outside. Even with 80,000 people or whatever you could kinda catch your breath, because you had infinite sky over you … at the Superdome it was just shoulder to shoulder to the point that nobody was moving, everybody was mad and some people were throwing up and passing out. It wasn’t comfortable.
Beats the hell out of some giant palm trees, I guess.
Best: And Here We Thought This Was Going To Be Cesaro’s Moment Of The Night
But yes, right, the match.
I think most of us WANTED WrestleMania 30 to involve WWE officially, finally turning Cesaro into a huge star, but I’m not sure we thought it’d actually happen. WWE (and WWE fans, frankly) are either into the “shove them down your throat” instant push or the slow burn, where it takes you four years to become worth a shit in the eyes of the unwashed masses. An easier route than either of those is being a RIDICULOUS HUMAN SUPERIOR who can hurl giants, catch falling men like he’s snagging a piece of souvenir confetti and swing you to f*ck until you’re dead.
Highlight number one of Cesaro’s WrestleMania 30 experience was his fabulous new jacket, from the Lucille Austero collection. Highlight two was his Emphasis Victory on Ryback, which he still does better than anybody in the game. When Cesaro decides it’s time to win a match, he decides it at the same time as the crowd. It’s perfect. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him do one of those AND NOW YOU DIE rushes without the crowd happily freaking out around him.
Highlight three was the (I guess?) Real Americans breakup, with Jack Swagger briefly attacking him and trying to apologize. Swagger was on point last night, and if you saw a cooler wrestling move than the suplex off the top into the ankle lock last night you’re lying. Anyway, Cesaro took him down and giantly swung him as we happily clapped our hands and did a horrible job counting rotations, and we thought to ourselves, “Okay, at least Cesaro got this. Maybe he’ll get to do something cooler next year!”
Next year was in like, an hour.
Worst: How Did We Do A WrestleMania In New Orleans Without An Appearance From The Popeye’s Lady
The show opened with a Zatarans commercial with Forrest Gump special effects and all I could feel was crippling disappointment from the lack of Popeye’s Lady. I thought for sure the tag titles match had been bumped to the pre-show so she could be somewhere backstage with Santino being all I LOVE-A YOU CHICKEN DIPPARSSSS before Emma started dancing and a guy in a chicken suit did something emasculating and Ron Simmons damned everyone.
The closest we got was a toy commercial that desperately needed Bad News Barrett in it again. If you want to honor the true celebrities of the WWE Universe, bring in Popeye’s lady, the Domino’s guy who can’t believe the pizza special’s still happening and the cast of every all-new episode of Interchangeable USA Show.
Worst: Lemon Party At The Silverdome
When The Rock hosted WrestleMania, he opened the show with a 20 minute monologue and ended it by not only restarting an unsatisfactory main event, but beating up both participants and deciding who won. When Hulk Hogan hosted WrestleMania, he opened the show by misidentifying the venue twice, not really having anything in the tank besides “brother” and just generally seeming like a lost old man. Way to make Rock and Austin look like 20-year olds, Hulkster.
Hogan’s hosting was the Undertaker Wrestling of WrestleMania hosts. Dude looked like they pumped him full of sedatives and rolled him down the ramp. Hey Hulk, maybe if you didn’t try to shoehorn “that time I pressed the 80,000 pound giant over my head at WrestleMania 3 and slammed him and then he died in real life” into every conversation or declaration you have you could differentiate silver and super domes.
It was good (and somewhat unexpected) to see Austin, but he loses points for
1. not racing to the ring on a camo ATV, and
2. not just stunnering Hogan immediately and bailing
It was less good to see The Rock, but at least he got in his “Sheamus sounds like anus” jokes like the sweaty 5-year old he is and abandoned ship in the first half hour. I swear, if Rock had run down to the ring to Rock Bottom Triple H during the main event and then People’s Elbowed Daniel Bryan for calling himself the “hero of the people” I would’ve thrown my chair and given up on this mess forever.
Austin loses additional points for not violently attacking The Rock the second he saw him.
Best: THE BOSS Makes WrestleMania
Not Triple H. Sasha Banks! I had David Dennis sitting beside me and his The Boss Sense started tingling. It looks like the “grab Conan’s leg” lady was Alexa Bliss, who has got to be the most utilitarian Diva they’ve ever employed. She’s a wrestler, ring announcer, Rose Bud, lamentation-shouting woman, whatever you need.
But yeah, Triple H should’ve just made Sasha, Summer and Charlotte his minion ladies for ultimate heel group synergy.
Best: Triple H, 1990s All Japan Superworker
So Triple H is everybody’s motherf*cker right now, right?
One of the most confusing aspects of the WrestleMania 30 build has been the rise of Triple H as the Best Guy On The Show. Capital letters. He’s always SAID he’s the best guy on the show and he’s always had some pretty hardcore manufactured popularity, but suddenly he was the perfect heel … a guy who’d risen to some absurd position of power in real life through hard work and proper marryin’ and molded that into a “yourself turned up to 11”-type character. The best parts of Vince McMahon, Vince Russo and every other authority figure we hated for some arbitrary real-life reason. On top of that, he was right. He IS responsible for the WWE and its future. He runs NXT. He makes Daniel Bryan’s t-shirts. By hand, I’m assuming. And here’s this whiny guy who won’t stop trying to defy him or knee him in the face.
Want to be even MORE confused? In semi-retirement, after several years of showcase “no DQ” matches where he just melodramatically lies around making Shawn Michaels faces and trying to “tell stories,” Triple H put on his boots and worked his ass off. This might’ve been the best one-on-one, non-bullshit Triple H match I’ve ever seen. EVER. I was trying to think of a one-on-one match from him that I liked as much, and all I could think of were the Mick Foley Royal Rumble match and the three stages of hell against Austin. Both of those were full of blood and schtick and gimmicks. This was just a WRESTLING match, and it was THE BEST one.
It wasn’t Bryan carrying him, either. H was busting out TIGER SUPLEXES and chaining submissions and dude, where have you been my entire life? It almost felt like a passion project for Triple H to wrestle a Daniel Bryan match and show that he’s just as good … either that or it was a colossal middle finger to Punk. “Hey Punk, check out this five star match or whatever I’m having at WrestleMania 30 against the best wrestler in the world. Yeah I’m putting him over strong and everything. Clean victory. And then he beats my ass in the main. It’s great. Everyone loves it. Enjoy your comics and zombie shows and your not working out.”
It was succinct, too. They did what they needed to do and didn’t overkill it with tons and tons of kickouts. I was worried about that when Bryan kicked out of the pedigree. I thought they were gonna lie around selling invulnerability all night, and then NOPE, perfect match. Thank you so, so much for this.
AND THEN GUESS WHAT FOLLOWED IT?
Best: Match Of The Year
Speaking of capital letters, I watched this entire match in them. Hey, you know who needed to be cooler? THE SHIELD. Now they’ve got scary facemasks. And they’re interrupting The Road Dogg’s speech before he can get it out. AND THEY ARE JUST MURDERING THESE GUYS WHAT IS HAPPENING
I don’t know who put this match together, but God bless them for it. I was expecting a good match, but I wasn’t expecting one booked from the happiest, least reasonable part of my own brain. Kane and the Outlaws getting zero offense besides a few chokes has got to be one of the great unexpected WrestleMania moments ever, and The Shield messing around and getting a triple-double powerbomb was icing on the cake.
I’m going to spend the next month watching this match on loop. Keep The Shield together forever, please. I’m going to type that in every column ever.
Worst: Enjoy Your WrestleMania Moment, Battle Royal Guys Who Entered During The Commercials
At WrestleMania 27, The Miz defended the WWE Championship in the main event by defeating John Cena in an angle also involving his hero, The Rock. At WrestleMania 30, he is trying to avoid being eliminated from a battle royal he entered in total darkness by holding the neck of a snake puppet. He failed, and was eliminated.
Somewhere in Cleveland, Mr. Mizanin was posting a tweet about sandwiches and totally missed it.
Best: David Otunga!
Welcome back, sweet prince. Here’s to hoping you’re actually a television character again, and that you practiced those irish whips during your … uh, several year hiatus? Justin Gabriel’s in there with you. YOU HATE HIM. Make that a thing!
Worst: Goldust And Cody Rhodes Really Deserved Better Than This
Just saying. “Get no entrances and get eliminated in the middle of the match” isn’t really a wonderful payoff to their year or so of compelling wrestling and storytelling. Rosa Mendes got a WrestleMania title match, though.
Best: Legitimately Amazing Kofi Kingston Elimination Spots
I give Kofi a lot of grief, but he’s really upped his battle royal eliminations game this year. After last year’s Pogo Chair abomination, Kofi came back strong with a leap of faith at the Royal Rumble and last night’s Andre the Giant Memorial How Are You Still In This with … man, I don’t even know how to describe it.
Cesaro launches him over the ropes — completely over them — and Kofi somehow manages to turn, land on the bottom step of the ring steps and hit the floor without killing himself. His feet being on the steps kept him in the match, and he not only got to jump back in, but did his standard “Kofi on fire” response to avoiding elimination. I am kind of in love with Kofi’s +5 battle royals skill, and I wish he was ever as good in a match as he is when he’s staving off elimination and responding with excitement. Be this Kofi all the time.
(Also, maybe WIN a battle royal once so these spots matter?)
Best: CESARO THO
Speaking of legitimately amazing, THE BOY CESARO made an unannounced appearance in the Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal and won the damn thing with a bodyslam to a 500 pound guy, because that’s how Cesaro rolls. I feel kinda dumb for not thinking they were gonna do an Andre tribute spot in the Andre tribute match, but man, watching the crowd go nuts for a bodyslam they didn’t expect is wrestling magic. People come off ladders and fall through flaming whatevers all the time, but a bodyslam done at exactly the right time for exactly the right reason can make a Superdome full of people lose their minds. That’s pro wrestling at its best.
Does this mean Cesaro gets to be a huge star now? Because it should. It’s pretty impossible to dislike him. He’s what would happen if you made Sheamus (the character) a likable human being.
Worst: Cena Wins LOL
There’s a reason my predictions are always, “Attitude Adjustment, STF, Cena wins.” Cena always wins. He wins in spite of story or character development or future builds or reason or logic. It’s what he does. He’s the guy who wins. His character is 100% The Guy Who Wins. It’s why so many people in the WWE Universe adore him, and why they always tend to be the crowd’s biggest trogs … because people who do not want to put a lot of effort into their fandom go for whoever’s winning.
Of course, I run the risk now of being the “if Cena wins we complain online” t-shirt’s punchline, but don’t take it as complaining. I’ve long ago stopped complaining about Cena wins. They’re like the wind. They’re going to happen. I’m not happy about it, but to say I didn’t fully expect the Bray Wyatt story to end with Bray Wyatt being fireman-carried from a small height and incapacitated/proven wrong forever would be a lie. If you expect the John Cena Status Quo to be maintained, you can only get so disappointed when he maintains it.
So yeah. John Cena’s invulnerable. When Bray was talking about beating something that doesn’t know how to feel, he wasn’t talking about himself, he was talking about John. The guy was getting all bent out of shape about having to compromise his morals via a chair shot. Remember when Cena dumped an entire stage design of chairs on Wade Barrett? Remember the several times when he’s committed vehicular manslaughter to win matches? The guy’s finisher used to be him hitting you in the face with a chain. He’s got no morality. He just wins.
I appreciate the story they were trying to tell, but Cena really didn’t have a reason to get so upset. He got up on the Wyatts on Monday, right? Proved to them that he was never going to fall for their manipulations and he was never gonna give up. Then they collar-and-elbow and suddenly he’s back to square one? You can’t really sell the story without allowing your characters to exist within its universe and be affected by it. They have to react to the story and change and move and grow. Cena doesn’t do that. This is one of the reasons we “complain online.”
But what’s the point? See you at Extreme Rules, where Cena wins again. Or he doesn’t, and it doesn’t matter.
Best: 21 And What Now
I’ve spent all night trying to figure out what to write for this. I considered just writing 5,000 words about how much I love Mr. T’s mother.
The build to the match clearly stated that Brock Lesnar had no chance. He got stabbed in the hand with a pen and jobbed out to a table. He got frightened at every turn. His only good moment in the feud was the last one, where he manages to clothesline Taker once and hit his finisher. That was on the go-home show, which is usually code for “this guy who just did well is going to lose at the pay-per-view.” That’s kind of antiquated idea at this point, but it’s still something wrestling fans subconsciously carry in the back of their heads. Lesnar had no chance. Why would he break the streak? What would that accomplish? Alex Riley said Lesnar would win on the pre-show. What does Alex Riley know?
And then the match happened. It was RANK. The crowd wasn’t into it. Taker’s entrance was dumb. Oh no, he set fire to a prop casket! Don’t show CM Punk’s casket for very long, we’ll get in trouble! Undertaker wrestled the match like a dying old man. I know that’s been part of his story for the last few years, that he’s losing power and that his body is physically giving out, but he looked like Uncle Grandpa out there. Weak. Barely able to stand before anything had even happened to him. Constantly licking his lips and blinking his eyes. PIZZA HAIRCUT.
We didn’t buy the nearfalls. It was just like, “we’ll check our phones until the finish.” F5, kick out, yawn. Tombstone, of course he’s kicking out, yawn. Another F5, he’s going to kick out let me see what Twitter’s up to WAIT WHAT WAS THAT A THREE COUNT, HOLY SHIT WHAT JUST HAPPENED
That is the lasting legacy of Taker/Lesnar and the end of The Streak. A solid half hour of us standing still, staring with our mouths open trying to figure out what the hell just happened. It’s going to be one of the most talked-about, written-about matches in wrestling history. Every conversation I’ve had since has been “did Taker call an audible? There was a moment during the knees in the corner where it looks like they’re changing it up. But if it was an audible why was the graphic ready? Why did they do this? WHY DID THEY DO THIS?”
I’ve never been in an environment like the one after Lesnar won. People around me were crying and storming out. Furious anger. Demanding refunds. Security guards telling sobbing children that the match “didn’t count” to keep their hearts from breaking. Confused, hurried conversations between a-holes like me who consider themselves “smart marks” or whatever and still honestly have no idea what’s going on. A complete, total destruction of the ecosystem. It was amazing.
And you know what? I’m glad it happened.
Taker wrestled that match like a goober and got got. He couldn’t do anything. He didn’t know how to apply Hell’s Gate, couldn’t move his legs properly for the Old School, couldn’t do the Last Ride. Tombstoned Brock with Brock’s head in his crotch. It was one of the very worst performances in the Undertaker’s career, and he was in the ring with one of the great physical marvels of modern wrestling history. Ignoring the build and the legacy and what we think about The Streak and where it should go, Taker should’ve lost that match. He should’ve lost it a lot faster, and with authority.
I’m also glad it happened so I could be a part of that feeling. I still don’t know what happened. Wrestling fans want wrestling to be unexpected, and when it is truly unexpected they get mad because they weren’t able to predict it. Sometimes there is a stunning value in not knowing what’s going to happen next, and we forget that because we’re fans of the easiest thing in the world to call.
And the faces. So many crushed faces.
Worst: Brock Lesnar Guy Is A Total Fraud
You may know one of these guys as “Brock Lesnar Fan.” He’s one of those dickbags who gets front row tickets to every wrestling show, wears the same shirt at all of them and tries to get over as a “fan character.” Him, the guy in the suit, the clown, Sign Guy. They’re all a part of the same worthless fraternity of privileged pieces of shit who are trying way too hard to be a part of the show they should probably just be watching.
The reason I’m throwing shade at Lesnar Fan specifically is because he’s right there in his Brock Lesnar Fan outfit, acting all stunned and upset that Brock Lesnar beat the Undertaker. What’s your deal, Brock Lesnar Fan? You can’t call yourself “Brock Lesnar Fan” and not put Brock above everybody else. I was shocked, too, but you should be doing your dumb gesture and freaking out and throwing it in everybody’s face. But yeah, sorry, you’re a fan gimmick and not a real person so go screw. You’re that kid in the Cena shirt wearing a lamb mask.
Guest Worst: Getting Your Heart Broken At WrestleMania
From David:
I’ve been looking forward to going to a WrestleMania for as long as I can remember things and last night, I finally got to experience it. Still, I went to Superdome a little bummed out. I missed my son. He’s 18 months old and it was pretty clear that he wouldn’t be able to a) sit still for four hours, especially past his bedtime and b) handle all the noise, chaos and fireworks, so he stayed at home with my wife and step-daughter.
Still, I learned this weekend that It’s one thing to be a wrestling fan, but it’s entirely a new experience to be a wrestling fan who’s a parent of little wrestling fans. I took my son and step-daughter to Axxess on Friday night and it was absolutely a top five moment as a parent. The girl cub was reluctant to go – sure she watches wrestling with me but she was lukewarm on going to an event. My son watches wrestling with me and is generally only still when WWE, NBA or NFL is on. However, I went to Axxess sort of disappointed that I knew they wouldn’t have patience for us to wait in line and meet any wrestlers or superstars or talent or whatever they’re called.
That disappointment went away immediately upon entering the Convention Center. My step-daughter was all in as soon as she saw those bright lights, posters, music and a Fruity Pebbles ring. About five minutes into Axxess, she looked at me with all seriousness and said, “Pop, I really appreciate you for taking me here.” I could write 1,000 more words about the step-parent dynamic and how complicated it can get, but just take my word for it: I’ll never forget her saying that. Then, my son and I did the f*cking Daniel Bryan entrance together (basically me holding his hands and making him do the YES chant like a little mimi-me puppet) at the ring entrance simulator. Seriously, nothing all weekend topped these moments. For one night, I saw wrestling as a thing that made my kids immeasurably happy. And this weird thing that I watch where guys in underwear fake fight each other has instantly became more important to me than it has ever before in my life.
Which brings me to this kid. This kid. There was a kid sitting directly in front of us in full Undertaker Shop Zone regalia. He even turned the back of a kid’s menu from Walk-Ons into a makeshift Undertaker sign. He couldn’t have been having more fun.
Then the Undertaker lost.
The kid was inconsolable. He sobbed. He screamed. He cried through the divas match. He ripped off his Undertaker necklace. He balled up his poster and punched it. He also got his foot caught in his chair, which probably only pissed him off more.
Basically, he broke my heart.
All of a sudden, I felt like a horrible parent. I’ve introduced my son to this cruel, manipulative form of storytelling that’ll make him ecstatic sometimes, but he might spend an entire night crying and balling up his Walk-Ons menu. I wanted to grab this kid and figure out a way to make it all better. To make it worse, the kid was rooting for The Streak, which means his family didn’t have to do that pre-wrestling softening of the blow that they would have done for a Cena match. You know, “now, if Cena doesn’t win, it’ll be okay. He’ll come back.” No, this was the Undertaker and WrestleMania. Cheer all you want, kid. Put your heart all the way into this match. There’s literally no way you’ll end up sad. Then Lesnar killed Undertaker and this kid had the worst night of his life. My dad genes kicked in and I couldn’t stop feeling bad for him.
Shit, man. I kept thinking that one day my son will be crying his eyes out and it’ll be because I brought him into wrestling and there won’t be anything I can do to make it better. Then, I remember that the same would apply if I replaced the word “wrestling” in that sentence with “the world.” I’ll just have to remember that for every time his Undertaker loses, there will be a YES chant down a fake ramp, and those good times will outweigh everything else. That’s the best a parent can hope for.
Worst: Sorry Divas, You Got The Biggest Death Slot Of All Time
How embarrassing. Tamina and Bray Wyatt wore the same outfit!
Yeah, no. I really do have no idea what happened in the Divas Invitational. I remember the echoing sounds of Vickie Guerrero screaming as I tried to figure out what was going on with the Undertaker. I looked up and Divas were filling the ring, and I had no idea how they got there. They wrestled, I guess, and I kinda remember Emma doing things, but not what she did.
This has got to be the biggest death slot of all time. Nothing could’ve gotten over here. They probably should’ve done two cool down matches after the Lesnar match to let us readjust. I think most of the crowd was out of it until Triple H showed up in the main event. We wanted to Yes. It was in us. We wanted to support him. But Divas are doing suplexes and The Undertaker just lost at WrestleMania and we’re in the Silverdome and what is going on, where are we even
Best: When Did Paul Orndorff Become A Grizzled Old Prospector?
This was so weird. Hogan kept calling him “orn doff.” He looked like Sam Elliot. When he talked, he spoke super slowly to the point that Mean Gene was visibly making “hurry the f*ck up Orn Doff” gestures.
I’m also sad about two things:
1. the interview did not end with Bob Orton running in, trying to hit Mr. T with his cast and accidentally hitting Mr. Wonderful, and
2. Mr. T did not discuss his mother for 30 more minutes
Best: Bob Backlund Rules
Backlund > everybody else
Best: Daniel Bryan Deserves A Pulitzer For Pulling The Crowd Back In
And now, the payoff.
Sometimes even when you’re a guy who writes about wrestling 80 times a week for a living you lose perspective and forget what you’re supposed to say. I apologize if this doesn’t come out right.
Daniel Bryan is my favorite wrestler. I lose him ever now and again and like other people more, but since he was a spindly kid in Memphis and throughout his amazing Ring of Honor title run and NXT obstacle coursings, he’s always been my favorite. He gets it, and in my eyes he’s been the best wrestler in the world since he was Cattle Mutilating Low Ki in tighty-whities.
I don’t think any wrestler has gotten the VIP treatment Daniel Bryan got at WrestleMania 30. He didn’t just get into a title match and win the title. No. He opened the show with the best match on it, against the boss of the company who is the revisionist history King Of The Attitude Era. It was an absolutely stellar wrestling match. He got injured after it, and entered the main event injured against two of the freshest, biggest, most get-whatever-we-want stars of the modern era. Randy Orton and Batista are the guys who saunter in and look how they look and get everything handed to them. He beat them both. Not only that, he made the visiting Marvel movie guest star who everyone expected to be champion for his press tour tap out in the middle of the ring. After once again trouncing the boss of the company with that boss’s signature weapon, surviving a combo finisher through a table and getting up off a stretcher mid-match. He didn’t just win the championship … he won BOTH championships, Hogan’s and Flair’s, in his second match against all the biggest stars at WWE’s biggest show ever.
He’s okay now. Nothing they do to him can hurt him. We made it. We won.
I put some confetti in my pocket to take home. I will never forget this, even if the crowd environment made it so hard to rise back up and let myself go. By the end I was freaking out for nearfalls and Yessing along with everyone else. I’ve been to a few Raws since Bryan’s gotten big and I haven’t felt totally okay doing the yes chants with everybody. It felt like a thing we were supposed to do, and not like a thing we wanted to do.
Last night it was a thing we wanted to do.
Worst: Now We Get To Be Terrified Of Everything Forever
Yeah, he’s fine forever and got WrestleMania X and WrestleMania XX put together. But I wouldn’t be a good wrestling fan if my brain didn’t say BATISTA’S GONNA POWERBOMB HIM ON RAW TONIGHT AND WIN THE TITLE AND YOU’RE JUST GONNA HAVE TO LIVE WITH IT BECAUSE THEY HATE YOU AND WANT YOU AS SAD AS POSSIBLE.
Please remember how much I loved this tomorrow when I’m typing 9 paragraphs about how I’m never going to watch again. And hey, who knows? Maybe he’ll keep the belt for six months and have awesome title defenses against Ziggler and Sheamus and Cesaro, and he won’t lose it until Corporate Punk shows up at SummerSlam or whatever. We would be okay with that, right?
Best: STONECRUSHER
Stonecrusher was in the front row, and yep, here come the tears. Forget Corporate Punk, we know who’s really taking the strap off Bryan.
Best: Top 10 Comments Of The Night
the_nos
CM Punk died, so Daniel Bryan could live.
ColonelAngus
That’ll do, goat. That’ll do.
Golden Girls Gone Wild
And Batista died on the way back to his home planet
JonSte13
Daniel and Brie are making a Rock baby tonight!
Ultimate Matt
First affordable care, now the streak. THANKS OBAMA
Raw Is Leary
Hopping the next flight to Somalia to get that 22-0 shirt
Raven
Let’s hope that f5 refreshes this match.
Lester
“Man, these guys can GO!!” – Batista and the Rock, in unison, backstage
King Jaffe Joffer
It’s like Stevie Ray Vaughan took a shit and Undertaker decided to wear it as a hat.
TheRealMSol
“Undertaker, I’m sorry. I just realized…I could’ve booked Punk to beat you last year. It didn’t have to happen this way. I…”
“Shut the f*ck up, Vince, and let me die in peace.” /slumps over
Thanks for reading, everybody. See you in the car.