Yesterday we shared a couple of shots of Kate Upton from the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue teaser trailer. We thought, “wow, this is a thing people will want to see today!” Then, seemingly a few minutes later, SI put up videos of Kate doing Zero-G flights in a gold bikini with her everything falling out of her everywhere. Great timing, everybody.
Anyway, we’ve done a deep analysis of the clips and come up with five important lessons that can, have been and should be learned from Zero Gravity Kate Upton, and we’d like to share those with you now. We at With Leather consider ourselves to be sort of a Kate Upton Institute Of Higher Learning, and if anybody can gain powerful knowledge from watching a lady try to look sexy while constantly on the cusp of projectile vomiting, it’s us.
First things first, here are the videos:
Here’s what we learned:
1. We Have Seriously Run Out Of Things For Kate Upton To Do
A few years ago, the Internet found out that it really enjoyed watching young Kate Upton do … well, almost anything. Dancing, eating cheeseburgers, dressing like a sexy nun in front of children, taking walking tours of buildings, playing Mario Kart, rapping, acting … seriously, anything.
As far as photoshoots go, we’ve seen her do everything. Sexy sailor? Check. Sexy ringmaster at a sexy circus? Check. Rolling around with puppies? Check. Seriously, once you’ve been filmed riding around naked on a horse you’re starting to get int college student photoshoot ideas and need to call it quits. What else is there to do?
I’m guessing someone at SI went KATE UPTON IN OUTER SPACE and everybody applauded and put her on a Zero G flight, because all of sports journalism’s space travel money went into funding Grantland. I want to see that guy’s notebook of follow-up ideas. KATE UPTON DEEP BENEATH THE SURFACE OF THE OCEAN. KATE UPTON STANDING IN A VOLCANO. KATE UPTON SNEEZING, DRESSED LIKE A PANDA. Maybe we should let Kate Upton hang out at her house and watch TV for a while?
2. This Guy Has The Best Job In The World And Probably Hates Himself
What’s better than being a Kate Upton fluffer? How about being a POV Kate Upton fluffer? How about being a POV KATE UPTON FLUFFER IN SPACE.
It’s also probably the worst job in the world, because how much respect can Kate possibly have for the dude in charge of maximizing how skeevy the photoshoot is? “Yeah, we’re not seeing enough of your boobs. Just gonna unzip this here. Also I’m gonna pat your nipples. You know, for art.”
3. You’ve Got To Put These Videos Up In Order
Kate Upton Zero G #2 has Kate looking as sexy as possible, wearing cool shades and floating around in zero gravity like a boss. She’s perfect. An angel.
Unfortunately, that’s Kate Upton Zero G #2. Kate Upton Zero G #1 is the “fun” video, where we remove all possible glamor by watching Kate stand around frowning in a bath robe until it’s time to shoot, aka “when it’s time for the plane to smash her into its roof and floor repeatedly.” While that’s happening, the camera crew’s yelling asinine shit at her like KEEP THE FACE PRETTY, SWEETIE and MORE WATER while interns crouch in zero gravity, squeezing out sports bottles of Ozarka or whatever at a lady who has to “keep pretty” in the vomitorium.
You’ve gotta give us the illusion first, SI. You can’t say “look how miserable this is” and follow it with “THIS IS YOUR SEXIEST DREAMS.”
4. This Isn’t Going To Make Kate Like Herself Anymore
Not to turn a cheesecake “look at the model in outer space” series of videos into a morose, contemplative thing, but remember last year when Kate revealed that being on the cover of Sports Illustrated made her hate herself
Kate Upton should have been on top of the world when she covered her first Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue in February 2012. Instead, the 21-year-old supermodel felt objectified and ridiculed. “After my first Sports Illustrated cover, I felt terrible about myself for a solid month,” ELLE’s September 2013 cover girl reveals. “Every single guy I met was either married or about to be married, and I felt like I was their bachelor present or something.”
The 5-foot-10 beauty continues, “I’m not a toy, I’m a human. I’m not here to be used. I am a grown woman, and you need to figure your sh-t out.” Even in professional settings, Upton says she’s treated like a stereotypical “dumb blonde.”
I hope you liked this year’s theme of FLOATING BOOBIES.
5. Let’s Keep Kate Upton On The Ground From Now On
Now that you’ve seen her floating around, here’s the flip side cover to this year’s swimsuit issue:
That’s … that’s way better, isn’t it?