My exact thought to myself on Monday morning was, “God, I’m handsome. I should devote the entire week to watching the five Air Bud films, because that would be a fun, cute idea and no way could those movies make me want to tear my brain out of my head and set it on fire.” Anyway, as I write this during the closing credits of today’s installment of 73 Sports Movies in 73 Days, Air Bud: Seventh Inning Fetch, I would very much like to be treated like the evil doctor at the end of From Hell.
Complaints and self-induced misery aside, we trek ahead with this fourth installment of the Air Bud franchise, as everyone now discovers that Buddy is a world class baseball player. Because why the f*ck not?
The “How High Were The Guys Who Wrote This?” Plot
We catch up with the Framm family and their beloved, possibly-alien Golden Retriever Buddy, as the hunky Josh (still played by the loyal Kevin Zegers) is heading off to college and leaving his family and best friend behind. That’s okay, though, because Andrea Framm is heading to junior high school now and she’s going to join the baseball team, because every youth sport in Ferndale or Farmington or FUBAR Township or whatever it’s called is coed, because this is a utopian society in which men, women and dog were all created equal.
Also, the second actress who played Mrs. Framm has returned and her husband, Dr. Sullivan, is now played by Richard Karn, AKA Al Borland from TV’s Home Improvement. And just like the first three Air Bud films, someone is trying to steal Buddy away from the Framms because of his incredible athletic ability. Except this time, the villains are after not only Buddy, but also all five of his pups, who have also become amazing athletes that are capable of playing sports with human beings.
However, the villains in Seventh Inning Fetch are a raccoon and his two human henchmen, because OF COURSE TWO HUMAN MEN TAKE ORDERS FROM A F*CKING RACCOON THAT DOESN’T TALK. Is it really this easy to write children’s films? Because I can do this with my eyes closed. How about this idea, I call it Air Bud: Spring Break Frat Dog Party…
Josh heads off to the University of Washington with his best friend, Tommy, and Air Bud sneaks off to join him, because what high school sports star dog wouldn’t get an athletic scholarship to a PAC-12 program? So Josh becomes the QB of the Huskies while Buddy is his top receiver and Golden Tate is there eating a donut and he says something like, “Hey, I’m the Golden Receiver!” and he smiles and the graphics department adds one of those sparkles to his teeth.
Anyway, Josh and Buddy turn the Huskies program around from a winless season to take them to the conference championship game, as they take on Lane Kiffin and the USC Trojans. Except, Kiffin orders his players to kidnap buddy from the Rho Upsilon Phi Phi kegger the night before the big game, so Josh has to win the game by himself. But Buddy escapes his captors, who probably have mustaches, and he makes it back to help the Huskies overcome a large deficit and win the big game.
The film closes with Buddy being named the Grand Marshal of the Rose Bowl Parade.
Anyway, that’s just what I would have done for the fourth Air Bud film, since the idea of letting Buddy skip college to go pro is just irresponsible in letting today’s youth think that they don’t need a solid secondary education in case their athletic futures fall apart.
As for Seventh Inning Fetch, Buddy is lost without Josh now, so he starts tagging along with Andrea, who joins the baseball team and discovers that Buddy can also play baseball, because by this point my eyes are bleeding from my brain rejecting everything that’s going on. Also, I think that the town might actually be overrun with Golden Retrievers, because they’re everywhere. Or maybe Buddy is just like the Shawn Kemp of dogs. Whatever.
Two important notes about the junior high baseball team:
– The coach is the female character from the TV show Herman’s Head, which was one of the most underrated TV shows ever made. There’s nothing else to add, and I just wanted to mention Herman’s Head.
– Andrea’s best friend is the team’s catcher and not only does she exhibit poor form by facing the infield when catching a foul ball, but she also rips off Dottie Hinson’s split move from A League of Their Own, which is a movie I may eventually watch for this.
So Rocky the Raccoon and his cohorts are stealing Buddy’s pups one-by-one, and Sheriff Bob is pretty pissed off about the whole thing and the fact that he’s a cartoon character from the 60s, but he’s played by the same guy who played Joseph “Blue” Pulaski in Old School, so I’m cool with his shtick. Rocky and the gang eventually get their paws and hands on Buddy, too, and it’s right when the team needs him and Andrea the most.
Andrea and Tammy completely ditch their teammates, who are getting killed by the Baboons in the big game, and Rocky’s henchmen are about to harvest Buddy’s blood for their experiment to create an army of athletically-gifted animals. In some confusing animal exchange, though, Buddy trades the keys to the cages for Andrea’s watch that was given to her by Josh, and she rescues all of the dogs in time to get them back to the big game. I think Rocky let them go or something because he felt bad, but I couldn’t really tell because HE’S A RACCOON.
Because Buddy and Josh are there to cheer her on, Andrea hits the game-winning inside-the-park home run because the kid playing right field couldn’t pick up a hooker with a $200 bill hanging out of his braces. Also, this guy is the mailman and the junior high baseball team announcer and he makes me want to punch everything in the world, including the actual world.
After the game, Andrea sees Josh and shouts, “Josh you came!” even though she clearly looked at him in the stands before she had the winning hit. I’d say this makes no sense, but the ending proves that there is simply no sense to be made.
The Worst Ending In Sports Movie History
NINE MONTHS LATER…
Somehow the Anaheim Angels of Los Angeles have signed Buddy and he leads them to the World Series. The Angels win on a double play, with Buddy playing first base and catching the final out. This is stupid. Really stupid.
The end.
