Aldon Smith, a month after his release from the 49ers, has found a new home — Oakland. Smith just signed a one-year deal with the Raiders, because of course he did. According to Ian Rapoport, Smith had his choice of suitors:
Aldon Smith is in the #Raiders building & will sign. He chose them over the #Jaguars, #Bucs & #Rams, I’m told. It’s a one-year deal.
— Ian Rapoport (@RapSheet) September 11, 2015
He probably picked Oakland so he wouldn’t have to move.
He is currently eligible to play this very weekend, but it’s doubtful he’ll see the field for many games this year, as he has yet to be punished for his latest bonehead move, a hit-and-run and vandalism charge that got him released from San Francisco. Goodell just lost his big suspension case, and this should be easy pickings for him, and I’d be surprised if it’s less than 10 games. Smith has quite the record already, so a soft punishment just isn’t warranted. Here’s a timeline of everything he’s done so far:
–April 28, 2011: Smith is drafted by the 49ers.
–Jan 28, 2012: Smith is arrested for DUI in Miami Beach.
–June 30, 2012: Smith has an altercation at his house where two people were shot and Smith himself apparently suffered stab wounds.
–September 20, 2013: Smith drives into a tree and passes out. He was arrested for DUI and possession of that sweet sweet herb marijuana. Smith “voluntarily” (read: his agent and the team heavily suggested it) entered a rehab facility and sat out the rest of the season.
–October 9, 2013: He is officially charged for the stab wound incident a year earlier, suffers misdemeanor charges.
–April 13, 2014: Smith gets arrested at LAX for arguing with TSA and supposedly claiming he had a bomb. He was eventually cleared, but suffered a nine-game suspension.
–August 6, 2015: Smith is released by the 49ers after getting arrested and charged with a hit-and-run, driving under the influence, and vandalism.
–September 11, 2015, Aldon Smith signs with the Raiders, officially the second worst thing that has ever happened on September 11.
Judging from his current career trajectory, our team of scientists and programmers have developed an algorithm to determine the rest of Aldon Smith’s life. Here are the notable moments:
-December 16, 2015: Smith is arrested for punching a cop in a nightclub.
-December 18, 2015: Smith receives one-year ban from the NFL, can’t play until the 2017 season, released by the Raiders.
-June 23 2016: Smith signs with the Montreal Alouettes of the CFL for a one-year deal.
-July 4, 2016: Smith blows off his left hand lighting off a firework, loses three fingers.
–November 8, 2016: Smith arrested in Whole Foods parking lot for possession of marijuana after he runs through the store knocking over fruit displays causing a ruckus.
– Feb 19, 2017: Smith signs with the L.A. Kiss Arena Football team.
–March 17, 2017: Before the season starts, Smith is released after crashing Gene Simmons’ car through a McDonald’s front door.
–May 26, 2017: Smith is arrested for throwing a grenade in a public pool for laughs.
-July 30, 2017: Smith is committed to a mental institution.
–August 5, 2017: Smith breaks out of the mental institution after picking up a water fountain and smashing through a window. The police claim he was able to do this via smuggled-in PCP.
–September 1, 2017: Smith is reinstated by Roger Goodell, signs with Rams.
-September 2, 2017: Smith is arrested for domestic violence.
–September 8, 2017: Smith receives small fine and one-game suspension from Roger Goodell.
–November 3, 2017: Smith is ejected from a game after he sacks Carson Palmer using a handgun.
–December 7 2017: Smith, on the run from the law, kidnaps Goodell and ties him to a railroad track for ransom. Authorities intervene too late to save Goodell; Smith is nowhere to be found. Nobody really gets upset.
-Jan 3, 2018: The manhunt continues for four months, no sign of Smith. Manhunt called off.
-No sign of Smith for three years.
–March 5, 2021: Smith is suddenly elected President of Russia.
–November 18, 2021: Smith declares war on India for unknown reasons.
–December 3, 2021: The first bomb hits New Delhi.
–February 27, 2022: The world lies in ruin, Smith sits on a throne of skulls, smoking marijuana.
–Smith-tober 69, The year of our Smith 8: Smith finally cleared to play in NFL again.
–Smith-tember 4, The year of our Smith 12: The Verlots from the Andromeda Galaxy arrive on Earth, bringing peace.
–Smith-uary 75, The year of our Smith 12: The Verlots are exterminated by Smith, who drunkenly crashes his dune buggy into their spaceship.
–Smith-vember 5, The year of our Smith 17: Aldon Smith dies from complications due to putting his arm in a blender to see what it felt like.
-75 years Post-Smith: The Browns finally win the Super Bowl.
