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(Click to enlarge, and please excuse the lack of 100 percent geographical accuracy.)
Baseball previews are a tough and thankless chore, because they really don’t mean anything. Sure, we could tell you our predictions for each division, or I could write 4,000 words about why the Cardinals having two questionable power hitters makes me so angry, but chances are we’d simply be better off telling you why your teams suck, because everyone is always so insanely pissed over predictions anyway. Also, some guy with super scientific numbers says baseball will vanish in the next two decades, because that’s totally going to happen. So why bother?
Instead, I’m previewing the 2015 Major League Baseball season by looking at each of the 30 stadiums and picking one food item that I would love to shove in my face hole. Unfortunately, because those baseball teams that are supposedly going to disappear within the next 20 years are more profitable than ever, my dream of touring each stadium to actually try these foods is next to impossible, unless someone wants to give me a canvas sack with a dollar sign on it to do so. The next best thing, then, is for all of you fans out there to tell me how great or awful these items are, and if there’s something better that people aren’t talking about. Hooray interactive ideas!
Some people call them gross, and some even call them insane, but I call these ballpark foods part of the gift that keeps on giving from America’s pastime, so let’s begin this A-Z journey around the country and try not to get diabetes just looking at these pictures.
1) Angel Stadium of Anaheim
The name: The BBQ Beef Brisket Sandwich
The skinny: I’m told the Angels have some pretty great grilled cheese sandwiches that include short ribs and thick-cut bacon, two of my favorite things in the world. But I’m a huge sucker for a big, sloppy brisket sammy. I’d also like to give the Legends Dog a whirl, but one ridiculous artery clogger at a time.
How badly do I want to eat it? Enough that I would put off standing in line with children to get my Pujols and Freese Cardinals jerseys signed so I could fill my belly first.
2) AT&T Park
The name: Crazy Crab’z Dungeness Crab Sandwich
The skinny: I’m kind of surprised that everything in the Giants’ stadium isn’t Freegan, but I guess that will be implemented over time. For now, I’m forced to believe that a $17 crab sandwich, which is just a sweet pile of crab meat slapped between two buttered and toasted slices of sourdough, is the real deal, even if I can’t really eat it.
How badly do I want to eat it? Thanks to stupid shellfish allergies, I would buy this delicious sandwich and then watch someone else eat it while I snack on a dumpster burger.
3) Busch Stadium
The name: Deep Fried Oreos
The skinny: Well, you take some Oreo cookies, roll them in batter and then drop them in the fryer. When they come out, you can hear Satan’s laughter get closer and closer.
How badly do I want to eat it? As a Cardinals fan, I’m generally classier and more intelligent than other baseball fans, so obviously I would eat these to fit in with my peers and colleagues at Busch, preferably after a day of choking Pappy’s brisket into my body like a starved boa.
4) Chase Field
The name: The Churro Dog
The skinny: Oh, we’ve already had this discussion. It’s a churro in two donuts, covered in whipped cream and chocolate drizzle awesomeness.
How badly do I want to eat it? More than anything I’ve ever wanted in my life.
5) Citi Field
The name: S’more Bacon on a Stick
The skinny: It’s bacon that has been dipped in chocolate and then rolled around in crushed graham crackers and marshmallows. Stop shaking your heads, this isn’t a bad idea at all.
How badly do I want to eat it? I would not only go to a Mets game to have this, but I wouldn’t make one Bobby Bonilla paycheck joke the entire time I was there.
6) Citizens Bank Park
The name: The Wayback Triple Triple Burger
The skinny: It’s just a really, really tall cheeseburger. Basically, it’s like you went to a Phillies game and got really drunk on liquor, and then you went to Steak N Shake (do they have those in Philly?) and stacked a bunch of burgers on top of each other. The Phillies are just cutting out the travel time.
How badly do I want to eat it? It’s probably on the bottom end of the items I’ve selected for this, but I wouldn’t say no.
7) Comerica Park
The name: Bacon and Eggs Topped with Fried Jalapenos
The skinny: The Tigers deserve a lot of credit for their awesome food selection. There’s also a smoked pork mac and cheese waffle sandwich that I’d slap my mom to try, but I LOVE BREAKFAST FOOD. These deviled eggs on top of a thick slice of bacon are like a fancier Ron Swanson’s baseball food.
How badly do I want to eat it? So much. So so much.
8) Coors Field
The name: The Taco Dog
The skinny: Surprisingly, for a place where weed is supposedly available like candy, the Rockies’ stadium has arguably the worst food selections. Probably the second worst. But you take a taco and combine it with a hot dog? Pass that Taco Dog to left, brah.
How badly do I want to eat it? I’d have to wipe a little of that nonsense off the top and toss some more cheese on it, but si, por favor.
9) Dodger Stadium
The name: Tommy Lasorda’s Meatball Marinara French Fries
The skinny: If you asked me to pick a type of food that best resembled Lasorda, it would almost definitely be a meatball on top of fries. Fortunately, we can eat this pile of pizza-flavored fries without having to resort to cannibalism.
How badly do I want to eat it? I would sit next to Lasorda while we both ate this, and I’d let him close talk old baseball stories to me. That’s how much.
10) Fenway Park
The name: Lobster Roll
The skinny: I looked and looked and looked and looked for anything out of the ordinary at Fenway and… nothing. Is food really this boring at Fenway? It seems like it has the worst selection of any stadium in America. But this lobster roll, while not all that fancy, sure looks like something worth standing in line for.
How badly do I want to eat it? Again, I’d have to watch someone eat this, while I eat Beef on Weck, whatever the hell that is.
11) Globe Life Park in Arlington
The name: Sausage Sundae
The skinny: Everybody’s raving about the Rangers’ chicken-fried bacon on a stick, and rightfully so, but with the Sausage Sundae the Rangers have basically made a banana split that uses sausage, mac and cheese, what looks like BBQ pulled beef or pork, and mashed potatoes. Also, Rangers, you had me at Bacon Quesadilla.
How badly do I want to eat it? I’d fight two men for the last one. Not at the same time, because that would be foolish. I’d need at least two hours in between.
12) Great American Ball Park
The name: Fry Box
The skinny: While the Reds have a meat lover’s hot dog that should be in my stomach as I type this, just because it exists, I am magnetically drawn to any sort of French fries that are covered with meat, be it chicken or beef, and hot sauce. I’d also have fun flicking all that celery off, because it’s in the way of my precious blue cheese crumbles.
How badly do I want to eat it? I’d let Brandon Phillips tell me how much he hates the Cardinals while I eat every last bite.
13) Kauffman Stadium
The name: Andrew Zimmern’s Chorizo Sandwich
The skinny: I’m not exactly itching to eat anything at a Royals game any time soon, and if you have in the last year or so, you should probably be tested for diseases that might not even exist yet. But if it really is safe to eat at Kauffman again, I’d start with a chorizo sandwich for sure.
How badly do I want to eat it? I’d pretend that I never read how careless the Royals were with their concession food for God knows how long.
14) Marlins Park
The name: Pulled Pork Mac and Cheese Sandwich
The skinny: You wipe that nasty coleslaw nonsense off the top of that Texas toast and you have my attention, Marlins. Jeffrey Loria might be hated by baseball fans everywhere, but his needlessly expensive stadium sure does make a mean sammy.
How badly do I want to eat it? I’d eat it shirtless next to the stadium pool, while all of the hot models laugh at me, and I wouldn’t give a crap.
15) Miller Park
The name: Inside the Park Nachos
The skinny: Like the Tigers, the Brewers deserve a trophy. LOL, not a World Series trophy! It was a tough decision, but if you find a way to make standard ballpark nachos in a stick form, you’re really speaking to my soul. However, the pulled pork parfait and custard donut sandwich are items that I could live with if the nachos are sold out.
How badly do I want to eat it? I’d even share a little bit with Hank the Dog if he wanted some (and a tummy rub).
16) Minute Maid Park
The name: The Chicken Waffle Cone
The skinny: There are apparently several types of cones to choose from, which is good news because I do not do honey mustard. I’m digging this gravy one, though, so I could totally eat one of these and sleep through an Astros game like fans have done for the last three years.
How badly do I want to eat it? So bad that I would continue to praise the Astros under (former Cardinals scout) Jeff Luhnow as being a team that will be very entertaining in a short period of time.
17) Nationals Park
The name: The Strasburger
The skinny: Let’s be perfectly clear here – 8lbs. of beef is absurd. Any man who tries to eat this alone (like this dude) is begging to meet his greasy maker. So I’d have to assemble a team of like-minded anti-foodies to help me take this son of a burger bitch down.
How badly do I want to eat it? I would not mention how the Nats can’t beat the Cardinals when it matters most. Look how much I’m sacrificing to be fat.
18) O.co Coliseum
The name: Brick Oven Pizza
The skinny: First thing’s first, O dot co? O dot no. That’s a burn. But it’s not hot enough to cook a brick oven pizza, and I know that because I love brick oven pizza. The one pictured, from Athletics Nation, is your classic margherita, but I’m told there’s a BBQ beef pizza available, too, and that’s just wonderful.
How badly do I want to eat it? A lot. Not a lot of parks have quality pizza, so it’d be great to eat this one while Papa John watches me from outside, with a single tear rolling down his red cheek.
19) Oriole Park at Camden Yards
The name: The Chipper
The skinny: Attention MLB team social media departments – Look at the Orioles. That’s how you use Facebook, okay? That said, I’m not a big dessert at baseball games guy, but I’m obviously working to change that, especially if it involves “Sweet potato kettle chips with chocolate sauce, caramel sauce, whipped cream, and cinnamon sugar.” Holy sh*t, Orioles, that’s some good baseball.
How badly do I want to eat it? So much that I’d manage not to mention how it’s silly that the Orioles have something called The Chipper and the Braves don’t. I mean, it’s absurd!
20) Petco Park
The name: Padre Nachos
The skinny: Nachos are kind of boring, even when they’re a slop pile that looks as delicious as this. These ‘chos only get the nod here because the Padres stink at advertising their new foods, and I can’t find any photos of the Patio’s fries that are topped with steak and gorgonzola cheese. I WOULD EAT THOSE UNTIL I DIE, Padres.
How badly do I want to eat it? Oh, I can throw down some nachos, friends. Don’t dare me.
21) PNC Park
The name: The Closer
The skinny: Look, if you make something that looks like a giant grilled cheese with bacon and all sorts of lingering health issues melted into it, I’m going to want to eat it. That should be amended into the Constitution and the Old Testament. By the looks of this sandwich, and with my untrained dairy eye, I’m sensing at least 536 different types of cheese. Or 4. Again, I’m not a scientist.
How badly do I want to eat it? A lot. I thought I already made that clear.
22) Progressive Field
The name: Dynomite’s L’Albatros burger
The skinny: I’m not really wowed by this burger, which features caramelized onions and peppers with a Bearnaise mayo, but from what I read, getting a Dynomite at Progressive Field for this season was a big upgrade. It makes sense, because most of the other Indians food I saw looked boring.
How badly do I want to eat it? I mean, if I’m at an Indians game and suddenly I’m like, “Hey, I should eat something before all that Jager I drank in the parking lot makes me sick,” I could do worse than this burger.
23) Rogers Centre
The name: Quaker Steak and Lube’s Hot Cajun Garlic BBQ wings
The skinny: If I’m going to watch a baseball game in Canada, I should probably eat some poutine while riding a moose around the concourse, but when someone puts the words hot, Cajun, garlic and BBQ together in front of wings, I have to try it. People will probably say, “But Burnsy, chain wings? That’s awful, eh?” Maybe they’re right, but look at that sign… “Best Wings.” Does it mean in Canada? The world? Galaxy? I need to know.
How badly do I want to eat it? So much that I’d go to Canada and skip coming back with a cavity full of prescription drugs.
24) Safeco Field
The name: Spicy Jalapeno Burger
The skinny: Because we’re talking about the Pacific Northwest, this burger with an amazing melted pile of Gorgonzola goo and jalapenos is probably all farm fresh or local organic and other such buzzwords. I don’t care, though, as long as it’s sloppy as hell.
How badly do I want to eat it? I would fly across the country in an airplane for 7 hours and sit between two fat men.
25) Target Field
The name: The College Daze Bloody Mary
The skinny: As much as I love spirits, I am not a Bloody Mary fan at all. Tomato juice is just gross to me. But I’m such a fan of pizza that if you stick a cold slice in a drink, in addition to a beef stick, pepper jack and cheddar cheese cubes, and delicious pepperoncini, I have to give it a whirl.
How badly do I want to eat and drink it? I’d not only drink a Bloody Mary, but I’d travel to Minnesota to do so. Of all of the states and territories, Minnesota is probably last on my list to visit. Seriously, I’d go to a Dakota first. But this drink changes that.
26) Tropicana Field
The name: Mac Bat
The skinny: The general baseball experience at Tropicana is about as bad and boring as you can get. The best food I’d ever had at a Rays game was the Everglades BBQ pulled pork nachos, and those were just okay. The Mac Bat, though, is a gamechanger. It’s a bread cone that you can stuff with ground beef, bacon and mac and cheese. That’s legit, even if it’s only available in the fancy area.
How badly do I want to eat it? I’d go to a Rays game again, after saying I’d never go to another Rays game after the last 10 Rays games I’ve gone to.
27) Turner Field
The name: The Yicketty Yamwich
The skinny: “Braised short rib, spinach, both Brie and cheddar cheeses and a spiced apple butter.” I don’t know about that spiced apple butter, but with all of that other stuff, it has to be good. Even if it was Chipper Jones’ idea.
How badly do I want to eat it? Very much. Even with the spiced apple butter on it.
28) U.S. Cellular Field
The name: Pot Roast Sandwich
The skinny: The White Sox also have some great items in their concession stands, including a baseball helmet filled with ribs. That’s a pretty solid item right there, even if it is a knockoff of my own idea, a trash can filled with ribs. But this pot roast sandwich has a mushroom jus and potato croquet, and that stuff sounds fancy like a suit from JC Penney.
How badly do I want to eat it? I’m not a big pot roast fan, but every time I look at that photo, my mouth waters.
29) Wrigley Field
The name: Buffalo Chicken Sandwich with Blue Cheese Coleslaw
The skinny: I don’t remember many good food options the last time I was at Wrigley, but I think we were on a liquid vacation. There are a lot of new items at the Friendly Confines, including Joe Maddon’s trademark hoagie. However, I think the key ingredient in every new menu item is mostly inflated hope. Sick, hilarious burns aside, you can never go wrong with a classic buffy chick-chick sandwich.
How badly do I want to eat it? Coleslaw usually makes me gag, but blue cheese is wonderful in just about any situation. It’s a million times better than ranch, that’s for sure, so I would eat this.
30) Yankee Stadium
The name: Lobel’s Carved Steak Sandwich
The skinny: Everything I read about the food at Yankee Stadium said the selection is awful, which is shocking because of how everything is supposed to be the best all the time in the Bronx. But I just don’t see how you can ever go wrong with something as classic as a carved steak sandwich.
How badly do I want to eat it? One day, when I have a few thousand dollars to spend on one baseball game, I will go to Yankee Stadium and try this sandwich. I might even spring for a beverage, too.
