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Please click through to enjoy Renee Young’s tanktop.
Sorry, the Best and Worst of WWE NXT for October 23, 2013.
Best: Adrian Neville Saves Us From The Worst Corey Graves Promo Ever
Last week’s episode of NXT ended with Corey Graves getting so upset about losing a shot at the tag titles (in a division that only has like four teams and one of them features Enzo Amore so it really wouldn’t have been hard to win a few times and get another shot) that he turned on his partner Adrian Neville in the slowest, most obvious way ever.
This week, it looked like Graves was going to follow up his obvious turn with OBVIOUS TURN PROMO #1, where a good guy is suddenly all, I GUESS YOU PEOPLE WANT AN EXPLANATION, I SUPPOSE YOU WANT TO KNOW WHY I (restate exactly what happened) WELL LET ME TELL YOU WHY. One of those shitty, Charles Dickens Wordy indy promos where a guy trades in how normal people speak for some milquetoast, middle-of-the-road interpretation of how he remembers heels explaining themselves when he was younger. It’s the worst. The only thing worst than a padded promo about your motivations is that thing guys do where they scream and clutch at their hair and then go into QUIET SERIOUS VOICE and do a lot of pointing. You’re either trying to be Triple H or you’re trying to be Mick Foley, one or the other.
The good news is that we didn’t have to actually hear much of it, because Adrian Neville appeared as if summoned by God himself and punched Graves until we could move on to something else. That’s the first thing besides a flip you’ve ever done to earn my applause, Adrian, good job.
Best: Emma Vs. Sasha Banks
Firstly, “ratchet” seems like such a fun thing to chant at Sasha Banks, but it seems like it would get old quickly and would slowly reveal itself as us being super racist, because it’s not like we’re gonna chant “ratchet” at the white lady.
Secondly, the Emma/Sasha Banks match was solid. Lots of little stuff worked here, like Emma trying to dance to Sasha’s theme, and I think Sasha really does have it in the ring. Aside from me being a homer for quality women’s wrestling, I think that core group of Paige/Emma/Summer/Sasha/Bayley all have a basic natural competence and the ability to learn and get better, so keeping them down in NXT for a while wrestling each other and training with the best female wrestler in modern North American wrestling history (and occasionally Goldust!) will make them a special attraction on the big stage. Sorta like a “Smackdown Six” for the Divas division.
That said:
Worst: Alex Riley During Emma Vs. Sasha Banks
The match was almost unwatchable thanks to Alex “This Is Like The Time I Ruined A Match For The Miz” Riley. Somehow Riley keeps getting worse, and he went off the deep end here, spending the entire time talking about how much he wants to f*ck Emma and making up a bunch of badly improv’d stories about how he’s tried to ask her out. Oh, and he tries to say her accent is cute and says she pronounces “no” as “naw.” You know, that famous Australian southern accent.
He also mentions how he DM’d her, which is basically the creepiest thing a wrestling announcer can say about a woman on his show. I expected them to launch into full-on NFL-style analysis about who they’d most like to nail. Thankfully Phony Dawson and special guest Tensai tried to drag the conversation back to the match, but even they had to roll with it and do a lot of “heh, yeah Alex that’s great.” This entire Worst doesn’t BEGIN to cover the depths of Riley’s horribleness, particularly every time he says you GOTTA KEEP YER HEAD ON A SWIVEL.
I would very much like to put your head on a swivel, A-Ry.
Best: I Am Not Okay Thinking Mojo Rawley Has Been Sad About Something
I love Mojo Rawley. He’s even HYPE in his Breast Cancer Awareness commercial where he talks about his Aunt being sick. My first thought was, “oh no, Mojo Rawley’s gonna be sad, I can’t handle this, somebody call an adult.” Then he starts talking about her going to his football games and being HYPE~ in the stands and STAYING HYPE and my heart just got bigger and bigger.
Say what you will about the ugly shirts and the proceeds for them going to payroll instead of helping anyone, but videos like this make a compelling case for just buying one anyway. Hey NXT, make a pink NXT shirt and put it on WWE Shop, would you?
For that matter, but ANYTHING NXT on WWE Shop.
Best: Bo Dallas VS. The World
Quote highlights include:
“Controversy schmontroversy! Am I not the NXT Champion still?”
“I just wanted to let all my Bo-lievers at Foo-Sail NXT … know … that I’m going to take a well-deserved vacation. Heh-heh-heh.”
“It’s called Bo Dallas … verse the world … TORE!”
“Konichi-wa … that’s Japanese for … goodbye!”
And the king of all Bo Dallas quotes: “I’m gonna make a special stop in Bolivia to deliver 10,000 squirt guns to starving children, it’s gonna be a blast!”
Good lord.
Worst: The Ascension Would’ve Been The Most Over Team Ever In 1984
Remember that thing I mentioned about the NXT tag division only having four teams? The Ascension had another squash match against jobbers even the announce team couldn’t bother committing to memory, a thing you should probably not have to still be doing when you are NXT tag champs, but here we are. I actually really love jobber squashes, especially when established guys get them and not just brand new Guys Of Note, but Ascension matches are always kinda assy so I’m Worsting it.
The highlight of the match was probably Alex Riley turning to Tensai and asking, “so what’s it like having another wrestler care that you exist?”
Best: Sami Zayn, WWE’s Best Babyface
If I could type in heart-eyes I would. WWE.com caught up with Sami Zayn backstage and asked him about his NXT Championship match with Bo Dallas, and he gave the most pitch-perfect, easy-to-understand explanation I’ve heard out of a WWE babyface in ages. He said, and I’m paraphrasing, that he totally understands JBL restarting the match because Bo Dallas’ foot was on the rope and them’s the rules, but what he’s NOT happy about is JBL not restarting the match when Bo used an exposed turnbuckle to win. That’s glorious. No shouting, no irrational name calling, just facts and a moral high-ground that leaves Sami looking like a good dude who was done wrong, and JBL and Bo looking unscrupulous.
<3 u, NXT.
Best: JBL vs. Renee
JBL followed that up with a quick interview with Renee, wherein he stated in cold, a-hole business terms that Sami Zayn needs to watch his ass and stop throwing around baseless accusations, and that he can do so on a temporary vacation to think about what he’s done. It took until RIGHT NOW for a WWE authority figure to react to a confrontational situation like a normal boss would. If somebody goes on TV and shit-talks you, what’re you gonna do, give them a promotion? No, you send them home. Zayn can’t drive a big rig into Full Sail now because there’s no great disobedience precedent set, he’s just gotta sit there not getting paid until he shows ass and apologizes. JBL’s a jerk, a hypocrite and he’s totally in the wrong, especially when he chooses to insult Renee Young for wearing a tank top.
to clarify
1. That is Renee Young, and you’ll shut your mouth
2. That tank top looks nice, and most WWE interview ladies just wear ballgowns or sparkling bras or whatever so you should commend her for being work-appropriate
3. HOW COULD YOU INSULT RENEE ON A DAY WHEN SHE’S WEARING HER HAIR DOWN. WHAT KIND OF MONSTER ARE YOU.
Best: The Best CJ Parker Match Ever
CJ Parker goes up against Alexander Rusev, is … sort-of distracted by the appearance of a mysterious blonde, gets thrashed and taps out to a camel clutch in like 80 seconds. Standing ovation.
Best: Lana! LANA! LANAAA!
Best: Tyler Breeze, Trophy Hunter
After the match (during the break, exclusively on the PRE-TAPED NXT APP), Tyler Breeze appears, kicks Parker in the face and then snips off a pair of Parker’s dreads while the crowd chants MORE, MORE, MORE, MORE, MORE. Like I said, best CJ Parker match ever. I sincerely wonder if Parker goes home, stares in the mirror and just repeats “what the f*ck is wrong with me” over and over until it’s time to put on his Daizee Haze trunks and photobomb people for a living.
Best: The Corey Graves/Adrian Neville Match Really Isn’t All That Bad
Okay, I give Corey Graves a lot of grief and think he’s objectively horrible at his job, but I’ll give him credit and a learned Best for wrestling the kind of match I say I want all the time.
It’s not very exciting, but it makes sense. Adrian Neville does a bunch of flying attacks, so in theory the best way to ground him is to work the legs. Corey Graves’ finishing move is a submission that targets the legs. So, in this match Corey stays on Neville’s legs the ENTIRE MATCH, going back to them constantly, chop-blocking him, whatever. The leg damage slows Neville’s ascent to the top rope when he gets an opening, and that allows Graves time to dodge appropriately, clip his opponent and lock him in his signature move for the win. Perfect stuff. After the match, Graves even locks in the submission on the outside to rub it in. Good work from everybody.
However,
Worst, Though: Seriously, Corey Graves Isn’t Happening
You can’t salvage a sinking ship like Graves with a momentumless heel turn and one decent outing. When Graves has Neville in a submission on the outside and a bunch of referees are trying to make him stop — a moment that should for all intents and purposes create a lot of animosity between Graves and the effort-loving NXT faithful — the crowd, the same crowd that OOOOOHHH’d at Summer Rae pouring bubble solution in Emma’s eyes, chanting ALEX RILEY.
That’s what they think of your best efforts, Corey Graves. They think ALEX RILEY. Alex Riley doesn’t even think Alex Riley, which is why he’s Alex Riley. You aren’t gonna work out I fear, Corey Graves, and not in the Kassius Ohno way. The only positive thing I can say about you besides “good job once” is that as bad as your hip-hugger jegging tights are, you look a thousand times better than you did in Ring Of Honor:
ALEX RILEY clap clap clapclapclap
