Bill Belichick Whined About The Problems With Modern Technology For Five Straight Minutes

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Bill Belichick is the kind of person you’ve known who … god, I don’t know. He’s not a crazy uncle. He’s not your crotchety father-in-law. It’s hard to truly pinpoint exactly who in your life Bill Belichick reminds you of.

Belichick is sort of like a person in your life who you talk to on a regular basis — boyfriend/girlfriend, co-worker/boss — with whom you find it impossible to have a meaningful conversation. You try to talk to them about things, but they are evasive and never have much to say. It hampers the relationship. But for whatever reason, there are times when the significant other, co-worker, or boss will spend an endless amount of time talking your ear off about stuff you don’t care about, like someone at his or her office that sucks or a fantasy football lineup decision.

Anyway, Belichick, the guy who rarely says anything meaningful about an opponent, spoke Tuesday for more than five minutes about why he hates tablets.

Yes, tablets. The big smart phones.

See what I mean? It’s not crazy uncle, because it’s not like he’s an old fool that doesn’t understand technology, and it’s not crotchety father-in-law, because it’s a measured thoughtful response, but my goodness, it’s 385 seconds about headset communication and technology as a whole.

This is usually the part of a Patriots writeup where I’d talk about the team cheating. So let’s talk about how this meandering comment about headsets could shed light on the team cheating.

Doesn’t this feel like a lengthy, preemptive strike against potential accusations for messing with the headsets? “Hey, we empathize with the headset situation. Heck, it happens to us too. You know what? I don’t even like technology. Tablets? Come on. I prefer motionless pictures. I don’t even need electronics. No one does. Everyone’s electronics go haywire, am I right, people? Let’s just throw them away and start fresh.”

Imagine not getting caught cheating on your girlfriend, but your girlfriend finding a text from someone else on your phone, and you are actually cheating with that someone else. “Kelly, baby, that’s Rhonda from the office. She was texting me about meeting later, but that’s just a meeting in the office, not us meeting at a hotel. You know what, I’m tired of cellphones. Technology messes up all the time, right? For you, for me and even for Rhonda. I prefer writing letters and just talking over texting. What do you say we throw away our communications devices which we got from a third party and never talk about this again?”

Anyway, I’m sure Belichick is off this subject and onto Pittsburgh, or something.

(Zack Cox on Twitter)