As we sit on the brink of nuclear annihilation, it’s important to remind everyone to get their best daily fantasy football squads in before we all die a horrific death. The last thing you want to think before you die isn’t “maybe Adrian Peterson is the answer for the Cards.” You want to think about how impressed the angels are gonna be with your savvy pretend football roster and maybe something about your loved ones TIME PERMITTING.
As is customary at UPROXX, we’re here to provide a dash of advice for your DraftKings and FanDuel style daily fantasy football rosters. (Our advice also comes in traditional fantasy football flavors as well.) But enough blabbin’, let’s get to evaluating millionaire athletes from afar.
Invest in Deshaun Watson: It’s almost as if Tom Savage never existed, eh? Deshaun Watson has been enjoying a pro rookie campaign of Cardi B proportions and the Texans appear to have a quarterback for the first time since the Civil War or whenever. Watson gets the gift of a punching bag Browns team (one that has been letting QBs average roughly 20 fantasy points per week) to tee off on this Sunday and looks to build on that monster 5 score game he enjoyed against Kansas City. Expect Watson to torch Cleveland before Houston settles into their bye week.
Avoid Ben Roethlisberger: Ben Roethlisberger’s Week 5 outing versus the Jags went about as well as a woodchipper manicure and was just as pretty to watch. The Steelers pivot gets a friendlier scoring matchup in Week 6 against the Chiefs, but don’t be seduced by the Chiefs letting Deshaun Watson go full Supermarket Sweep on them. Big Ben looked a wreck in Pittsburgh on Sunday in his five pick outing and that was with the patented Heinz Field bump. Roethlisberger is refried garbage on the road a lot of the time so bury any idea of starting Big Ben in a prison under the sea. At least for this week.
Consider Josh McCown: Welcome to 2017 where I am a grown-up talking myself into a Jets QB as a legitimate fantasy option. It feels weird to me too. Josh McCown is someone firmly plunked in the realm of “serviceable” but for one magical afternoon in East Rutherford, he could have a colossal game against a Patriots squad that can’t help but gift fantasy points to its opponents. Sporting a pretty reasonable $5,200 DraftKings salary, McCown might be the value pick you need to keep your higher priced essentials on the same roster. It might also be an absolute crash down to earth moment. Proceed with caution, but keep McCown in mind.
Invest In Leonard Fournette: Should you believe in the AFC South-leading Jacksonville Jaguars this season? Of course not, that’s like going against your survival instincts. Still, there’s no reason not to ride this JAX run until the wheels fall off and that includes another week of Leonard Fournette going wild on an opposing defense. The LSU product lit up Pittsburgh for 181 yards and two TDs on Sunday and now he gets a Rams defense that has been torched by teams with effective rushing games. (Seattle’s dogsh*t on a collapsed Jenga tower rushing attack doesn’t count.) Fournette will set you back $8,000 on DraftKings, but his value is more than worth it. Heck, you might want to send him on a nice thank you card on Monday. That’d be the polite thing to do.
Avoid Adrian Peterson: Rebirths in the desert aren’t for everyone and AP’s miserable stint in New Orleans doesn’t inspire much confidence in the former Vikings great’s chances in Arizona. Peterson joins a Cards squad that’s looked lost at times, clearly doesn’t have a “system” where any back can be plugged in without issue and probably doesn’t need a 32-year-old rusher that is navigating litigation while learning Arizona’s offense. Tampa Bay won’t be worried about Peterson this weekend and you shouldn’t pay him a second thought.
Consider Jalen Richard: The EJ Manuel era is something that could inspire a tight multi-week drinking problem in Raiders fans until Derek Carr returns, but at least they can beat up the lowly Chargers on the ground in Oakland this Sunday. The Bolts give up a generous 21+ points-per-game to opposing rushing offenses and the Raiders are going to be leaning hard on their run game to make up for their temporary passing power outage. Marshawn Lynch gets an alley-oop of a Beast Mode game here and it might also be a huge afternoon for emerging rushing threat Jalen Richard. Richard enjoyed a season-high nine carries in Week 5 and seems primed for a sneaky big game against a tomato can defense. With a salary cap friendly $3,900 salary, Richard is an intriguing option.
Invest In T.Y. Hilton: Provided Mike Pence doesn’t fly in to make every black player on the Colts swear a five-hour loyalty oath to America and Mother (50/50 chance of that happening), I like Indy’s chances against the Titans and namely against Tennessee’s flimsy pass defense. Coming off of an excellent seven catch, 111-yard outing in Week 5, Hilton gets a Titans squad he had tons of success against last season and has the vulnerability that comes with a banged up Titans QB situation. If you’re in a Thu-Mon contest, Hilton’s $6,700 price tag will seem incredibly reasonable. That’s because it is.
Avoid Randall Cobb: It hasn’t been a particularly good time to be in the Randall Cobb business. Aaron Rodgers is still passing out TDs like they’re religious pamphlets in 2017 and that hasn’t done Cobb much good. Other members of the receiving corps have been snatching up those passes for paydirt and #18 has seen his targets shrink from the most robust totals of Week 1 and 2. This week, the Packers have a divisional rivalry game with a Vikings team that isn’t intimidating but doesn’t inspire any thoughts of Cobb having a monster game. In his career, Cobb has only managed to burn Minnesota for a touchdown once over four total games. Pass on Cobb and reassess his bounce back chances next week. Or skip that and get in touch with your estranged daughter or whatever it is you’d like to do on Sundays.
Consider DeSean Jackson: Mike Evans is the star receiving attraction for Tampa, but DeSean Jackson hasn’t been barf on toast either for the Bucs. After an outing where he caught five passes for 109 yards while dealing with significant battle damage, a healthier Jackson looks set to give the Cards secondary nightmares as one of the many weapons in Jameis Winston’s attack. The Cardinals have already given up seven TDs to receivers and this could one of those weeks where Jackson goes off while Evans gets the bulk of the attention. Provided Jackson’s injury problems are sorted out, the Bucs wideout has the potential to decimate the vulnerable Cards.
Invest In Delanie Walker: This is a bit akin to mentioning that water is wet, but you definitely want Titans tight end Delanie Walker on your fantasy roster this week. Even with Marcus Mariota’s health bringing Matt Cassell into the fold (Tennessee knows Colin Kaepernick is available, right?), Walker is a force to be reckoned with in 2017 and his anemic stat line against Miami would be a lot different if it weren’t for that borderline offensive pass interference call. The Colts are happy to give opposing TEs 10 points or more so take those points and run with ’em.
Avoid Jordan Reed: Jordan Reed hasn’t been the monster he was billed to be in 2017, but he has lived up to his reputation as a player plagued by injury hell. Washington’s still sorting out how to work its offense in the absence of former offensive coordinator and new Rams head coach Sean McVay. Not helping matters will be a Niners defense that’s been less than cooperative with tight ends looking to rack up numbers. You don’t need that sort of stress of Sunday.
Consider A.J. Derby: An absolutely miserable Giants season is poised to get even worse (in primetime, no less) when a rested Denver Broncos football club hosts these sad sacks that now have secondary problems to deal with too. A.J. Derby, a steal of a $2,700 option in Thu-Mon contests, should be in line for a strong night akin to his 75 yards and a TD outing against the Raiders in Week 4. The Giants pretty much hemorrhage fantasy points to tight ends, so give this option an extended think.
I wish you all the best of luck in your daily fantasy football contests.