Eli Manning is an entirely unique entity in the NFL — a bonafide star, with multiple Super Bowl rings and national name recognition, who commands neither admiration nor respect from rival teams or any fans. His childlike pout (the Eli Manning Face), his general goofiness, all of it adds up to the least intimidating sports figure in the public consciousness who still manages to be competent. You know what? You don’t need any more convincing — just watch the man, who if our math is correct was 32 at the time, eat chips like a damn fourth grader.
“You’re killing me with the crunching,” says his older brother Peyton in a preview clip for NFL Network show The Timeline as his younger brother distracts from an adult film session by clomping on a bag of chips open-mouthed like a farm animal. Peyton sets a perfectly good example of normal person chewing right next to him, but whether with some clever mic placement, sound editing or just a thunderous jaw, Eli manages to drown out all other sounds in the room.
That’s not even the most amazing part, though it is painful to witness. No, the real capper is when Peyton and his coach, legitimately amused, think Eli is doing it on purpose. Haha, good joke, Eli, you got us — now let’s get back to work. Then Eli, BEWILDERED AND DEFENSIVE, protests, “I’m just trying to eat!” They gave Eli the benefit of the doubt because, you know, he’s over 30 years old, but he LEGITIMATELY HAS NO SENSE OF HOW LOUD HE’S EATING.
Maybe by age 40 he’ll learn how to close his mouth.
