Last night, the high-powered, higher-priced Detroit Tigers, led by Miguel Cabrera and Prince Fielder, defeated the plucky, Moneyballin’ Oakland Athletics, led by Yosemite Carpool and other people, 3-0 after Justin Verlander pitched 8 beautiful innings to stymie the A’s for just 2 hits. Obviously, there wasn’t much inside of Verlander’s brain last night other than, “MUST. KILL. MODESTLY. BUDGETED. TEAM.” And that showed when the two A’s fan above tried to intimidate Verlander into throwing a horrible game by holding up giant cutout heads of Kate Upton.
Verlander, of course, had a brief relationship with Upton, and I assume it ended when she told him, “Look, you’re a great wealthy athlete and all, but you’re just not the Internet sports humor blogger that I need in my life.” But why on Buddha’s brownish, polluted Earth would this have affected his pitching?
Next time, why not just hold up a sign that reads: “Hey Verlander, you suck! Also, congrats on nailing that. Super awesome, bro!” Here’s what that would look like:
