Good News, Good Old Boys: Danica Patrick Is Hitting The Open Market

Divorce is never cause for celebration, unless it involves Olivia Wilde in a year or so – sorry, Jason Sudeikis, we love you but… it’s an Internet thing – and it pains me to bring more light to the recent news that NASCAR’s first lady of turning left, Danica Patrick, and her husband, that guy who she married, are indeed calling quits after seven years. Patrick and Paul Hospenthal, if that is his real name, filed in Arizona, where a couple can get divorced for any reason under the sun, so I hope they go with something cool like, “Refusal to Invest in Shark Fighting League”.

Unfortunately, they went with a boring reason, as the Sporting news reported first:

Danica Patrick filed for divorce on Jan 3. in the Superior Court of Arizona, citing an “irretrievably broken” marriage with her husband, Paul Hospenthal.

Sort of like how my heart was irretrievably broken when Wilde got engaged to Sudeikis. But back to this announcement, someone’s getting taken to the cleaners, right?

Patrick stated in her filing that the couple have a prenuptial agreement, that neither side will require alimony and that they will present a settlement agreement to the court at a later date. They have no children and there have been no incidents of domestic violence, according to the filing.

Yeesh. When you hear NASCAR and divorce in the same story, you should at least get a few inclusions of phrases like “meth-addled”, “chaw-spittin’” or “darn tootin’”. Come on, NASCAR! You used to be better than this.

Of course, I’m not a divorce attorney, and my only experience in marriage involves dressing animals in tuxedos and gowns, but if I had to pick a reason why these two can’t get along anymore, I’d probably say that it’s because he’s old balls at 47 and she’s only 30 (!) and is worshipped by millions of men ages 18-60 from Alabama to California, despite the fact that she’s only 3-feet tall. Don’t believe me? I made a chart.