Sometimes you’ll just be minding your business on the Internet, checking your email and such, and you’ll end up stumbling across a sentence so perfect that it stops you cold. Your eyes will scan over its words a few times as you attempt to process it all, sending the images to a brain that has temporarily shut itself off as a self-defense mechanism. This is what just happened to me, and it is all thanks to this opening sentence from a press release that was just emailed to me: “Bullseye Event Group is proud to announce Guy Fieri as the official chef of the Super Bowl 2016 Tailgate.”
GUY FIERI IS THE OFFICIAL CHEF OF FOOTBALL.
Tell me more, press release.
Guy Fieri, the most recognizable Chef in America, will be creating an exclusive menu that will be available to the Super Bowl Players Tailgate attendees. The menu will be released in November.
I must see this menu. I must learn its secrets. If it does not contain the phrase “donkey sauce” at least five times, I will be so disappointed I might hibernate through winter. I hope every item features a slathering of donkey sauce. I hope he brings donkey sauce to the game in a 55-gallon drum with a silhouette of his head on the side. The people need their donkey sauce. It is the primary source of hydration in Flavortown. It gives them life.
Guy Fieri can be seen on television almost every day on the Food Network. His shows include Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives, Guy’s Big Bite, Guy Off the Hook, Dinner: Impossible, Guy’s Grocery Games, Rachael vs. Guy: Celebrity Cook-Off, The Next Food Network Star, Ultimate Recipe Showdown, The Best Thing I Ever Ate and Minute to Win It to name a few.
So, here’s the thing: In the blockquote prior to this one, I scoffed when they called Guy Fieri “the most recognizable Chef in America.” Then I got to this paragraph that basically just lists his television shows and, guys, there are TEN SHOWS in there. That is so many shows! And after they finish rattling off THE TEN SHOWS that the Food Network has given Guy Fieri, they throw “to name a few” at the end. It really doesn’t sink in until you see it all laid out in one place like this, but…
Guy Fieri is definitely the most recognizable Chef in America. I doubt it’s even close. We have much to ponder, as a society.
“We are thrilled to have Guy Fieri as our Celebrity Chef; San Francisco is Guy’s town so he was our 1st and only choice,” said Kyle Kinnett spokesperson for Bullseye Event Group.
The best part of this section is picturing a scenario where Kyle Kinnett of Bullseye Event Group flips a table and shouts “THAT’S IT, TAILGATE’S CANCELED” upon finding out that Guy Fieri has a scheduling conflict that day. Passionate man, that Kyle.
In conclusion, here are two pictures of Guy Fieri missing tackles at celebrity flag football games. Have a great day.