Here Are The 5 NBA Teams There’s No Way In Hell LeBron James Will Play For Next

As you may have heard, LeBron James will opt out of his contract with the Miami Heat and become a free agent. Naturally, everyone — even Metta World Peace — is weighing in with #HotSportsTakes, speculating on where he’ll take his talents next. But where will LeBron most certainly NOT end up? Here are five teams there’s no way in hell LeBron will sign with.

5. The Sacramento Kings — One of my best friends is from Sacramento. Here’s what she said via text when I asked her recently what her hometown is like: “It sucks. It just sucks. The best thing is has going for it is its proximity to San Francisco and California wine country. There are no good restaurants. There’s nothing to see or do, ever. It’s the kind of place where people go to the mall because there’s nothing else to do with their free time. It sucks.” Also, Kings fans ring cowbells at games — no self-respecting athlete should ever play for fans who ring cowbells. And if all that weren’t enough, arguably the most famous person from Sacramento is actor Timothy Busfield, and he wasn’t even born there. COME ON!

4. The Utah Jazz — The only black NBA superstar who would willingly sign a contract to play basketball in Utah is a country fried redneck like Karl Malone. LeBron is a lot of things, but he’s no country fried redneck. Also, THERE IS NO JAZZ IN SALT LAKE CITY!

3. The New York Knicks — To all you Knick fans who are hoping beyond hope that Phil Jackson can somehow Zen-mindf*ck Lebron into signing with New York to play in the Garden, I have one thing to say: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! James Dolan, a terrible person and incompetent basketball business person, is your owner, and karma is the cruelest a-hole of them all. Enjoy the prolonged misery, Knick fans. This is your hell.

2. The New Orleans Pelicans — New Orleans is the coolest city in America and one of the coolest in the world. No one can deny this. LeBron, a fan of the Cowboys and Yankees, is obviously not cool. He’ll pass on playing in New Orleans in favor of playing for Brooklyn, one of the LA-based teams, or Chicago, because those are all big cities and in his uncool mind bigger is better. But that’s fine, we have Eric Gordon (vomits into a paper bag). We don’t need no “King.” (Sobs uncontrollably.)

1. The Cleveland Cavaliers — Here’s something I just made up: “One should not burn a bridge when the horse one hopes to ride has yet to cross it.” (Feel free to go ahead and call me a goddamn philosopher!) That said, Cavs owner Dan Gilbert burned the f*ck out of the Lebron Returns to Cleveland bridge with his childish, spurned lover-esque, comic sans anti-LeBron rant in the wake of “The Decision.” And it doesn’t help that the one of the city’s most well-known writers wrote an entire book slamming LeBron as a traitor that he titled, “The Whore of Akron,” not to mention all those idiot fans who burned his jerseys. The entire city basically reacted as if their first love had banged their best friend, all their siblings and both their parents. The fact that the team’s front office is all kinds of dysfunctional/incompetent is completely secondary in this case. Enjoy the Anthony Bennett era, Cavs fans!

So yeah, Lebron’s going to Toronto, obviously.