We hope you’re okay never eating another hot dog.
In a reads like a legal document drawn up by The Onion, Heisman Trophy winning quarterback and new Cleveland Brown Johnny Manziel is being sued for sexual harassment after allegedly calling a lady non-stop and sending her naked selfies. Now, when we say “naked selfies,” you’re probably imagining a Brett Favre scenario where it’s just an awkward dick pic or seven and that’s that … we cannot overstate how not that’s that this is.
Hold on to your butts:
In case you didn’t want to read that, highlights include:
– Johnny Football celebrating Christmas Eve by putting his junk in a hot dog bun, Instagramming it to a woman and calling her a “ho ho ho.”
– A demand for a threesome with Dr. Drew (!)
– The official length of Johnny’s penis, which is … not super impressive.
– Lots of “you want me, Samantha,” making this the worst Her fan-fiction ever.
– A request for her to strip at LeBron James’ “crip,” which I’m hoping is a crypt, or at least that secret sex club from the McDonald’s commercials.
– Johnny doing steroids and threatening to beat up any guys Samantha talks to a la an after school special from the 80s.
– The promise that Johnny will use his NFL money to get a penis enlargement and be her “Long John Silver.”
– Johnny using Skype to show off how he does drugs on school property.
– The obvious MY SCHOOL DOES ILLEGAL THINGS statement you need in a totally true sexual harassment claim.
– “Johnny Manziel refers to his penis as his Vienna Sausage and told me good things come from small packages.”
– A discussion on Jadeveon Clowney’s penis, for some reason.
– “Seeing Manziel with his small penis caused me psychological emotional distress.”
– Johnny outed as a fan of 1990s novelty hit-maker Gillette.
– Johnny Football’s RedTube preferences.
And the big one: the claim that Johnny Manziel pulled out his penis and wiggled it around in time to the music on the ‘It’s A Small World’ ride at Disney. This is immediately followed by the statement “I am scared to death,” and I don’t blame her.
Let’s move forward assuming everything in this claim is true, all right? I don’t want to live in a world where Johnny Football isn’t putting his micropenis in a hot dog bun or dick-dancing to Disney tunes.
UPDATE: Manziel’s lawyer addressed the suit on Twitter…
