Fans Rejoice As Miami Marlins President David Samson Has Been Voted Off ‘Survivor’

Last month, self-proclaimed winner and Miami Marlins President David Samson had to do a little “I don’t really give a sh*t but here ya go…” damage control after people discovered that his profile for the CBS reality series Survivor made it seem like he was bragging about basically tricking Miami-Dade County into footing an outrageous bill for the Marlins’ stadium. Samson said his pride in having a high-class stadium built for his team of perennial underachievers was taken out of context, and he didn’t say it like some sort of John Grisham villain, but he could have said that his goal was to fill the stadium with puppies and people would have responded, “Oh, and how are you paying for those puppies, A-hole?”

Samson also doubled and tripled down on the douche by bragging about how he leads without actually doing any work and by claiming that his reason for being on Survivor was “Winning!” I don’t know if he said it like Charlie Sheen, but I just assume that he did. He also said that he thought he would win Survivor because “I always win, because people underestimate me” and last night, after the first hour of the first episode of this season of Survivor, Samson certainly won. Wait, no… we won, because Samson was the first person voted off.

Clearly, this is the most Marlins thing that could have happened to Samson on this reality series, short of him doing really well despite the odds, but the ratings being absolutely atrocious. And since he’s already done, Marlins and baseball fans in general celebrated in unison last night, because DING DONG the douchebag is done.

And so on and so forth.

Just in case you came here thinking this is a story about embattled New Jersey Port Authority official David Samson, this is regarding the Miami Marlins President that wore a dress shirt and boxers to compete on Survivor. Big difference, I think.