Update: We had a scheduling issue with this post yesterday, so in case you missed it, we’re bumping it to the top of the page. –JZ
Ben Roethlisberger may have turned 29 yesterday, but the bigger news is that his wedding is only 142 days away. And while we thought that Mr. Lack-of-Commitment would never find the right girl to hold tie him down, we were all proven wrong by Ashley Harlan, whose parents gave her a boy’s name, I might add. The couple will tie the knot in Pennsylvania on July 23, which means that your time to buy the happy couple a wedding gift is quickly running out.
So what exactly do you get for the man who takes whatever he wants has everything? Thankfully, the team of “journalists” at TMZ took time away from giving us in-depth coverage of Gaddafi’s threat to release Libya’s weapons cache to the masses to take on anyone who supports his removal to search retail web sites and dig up Big Ben’s wedding registry. What kinds of terrible things does this controversial NFL quarterback and alleged sexual deviant demand of his friends and family for his most blessed union?
Find out after the jump, and be warned that you’re about to become quite ill.
Price: $4.95
Amount Requested: 2
Our Verdict: This is a classic rich person wedding move. Weed out your cheap bastard friends by whoever purchases you the cheapest gift on the registry. Of course the bamboo chopsticks don’t match anything else on the registry, so clearly Ben is trying to set a trap for Hines Ward so the Steelers have a reason to cut him to sign someone younger and less Asian.
Price: $1,199
Amount Requested: 1
Our Verdict: This is the perfect gift idea for the friend or family member who doesn’t mind looking like a total jerk when he arrives at the wedding. I mean, I’d feel pretty comfortable buying a set of plates or a margarita maker, but then here comes Maurkice Pouncey with this fancy ass chaise that he purchased with his Pro Bowl bonus. Hey Maurkice, kiss a little more ass, why don’t you?
Price: $14.95
Amount Requested: 2
Our Verdict: Another trap gift. Get him these glass refrigerator containers and see how quickly you receive a thank you card or especially an invite to Ben’s next poker night. You’ll be lucky to receive an invite to clean his indoor pool. But if I might add – TWO glass refrigerator containers? Ooh la la, your majesty.
Price: $19.95
Amount Requested: 1
Our Verdict: Just a despicable message that Ben is sending to his guests here. A WHITE mixing bowl, Ben? I’ll bet this isn’t even a black tie affair. Let me guess – Mike Wallace was invited to the bachelor party but not the wedding. Class act, Roethlisberger.
Price: $8.95
Amount Requested: 1
Our Verdict: For a guy who makes an average of $12.75 million per season, and was the highest paid player in the NFL in 2008 with a $27.7 million salary, Ben sure is asking for some cheap gifts. But if you are the guest who breaks the bank to pick up this working bowl with lid, here’s a helpful Burnsy wedding gift tip: wrap the bowl and lid separately so it looks like you’re giving two gifts. That’ll show Pouncey.
Price: $50 (set of two)
Amount Requested: 4
Our Verdict: Now we’re talking scandal! This is just the angle that TMZ was digging for. Eight champagne glasses, Ben? Looks like someone has a little drinking problem. And at $50 a set, it seems like an expensive problem.
Price: $50 (set of two)
Amount Requested: 4
Our Verdict: More wine, Mr. Roethlisberger? Then again, doctors say a glass of wine with your meal is good for the heart, but Ben has like 10 different styles of drinking glasses on his registry. If he’s not willing to admit it’s a problem, then maybe the people who are enabling him should.
Price: $24.99 (set of two)
Amount Requested: 4
Our Verdict: I suppose we should envy the man who has more than one type of wine in his house. I know a little something about being fancy, too. I currently have two bottles of Boone’s Farm in the fridge and a half a bottle of Arbor Mist in my trunk. We’re a lot alike, Ben.
Price: $49.99 (Sale!)
Amount Requested: 20 (!)
Our Verdict: Finally. I was beginning to think that Ben was strictly on a liquid diet. Take it from me, Ben, we’re not in college anymore. Our bodies can’t take nonstop excessive drinking. I mean, sure you work out and exercise routinely, and I once claimed “gyms” as an allergy on my medical insurance, but it’s still essentially the same idea.
Price: $200
Amount Requested: 1
Our Verdict: $200. For something that will hold Tostitos and salsa and/or queso. I don’t want to seem condescending toward a two-time Super Bowl champion or anything, but I had chips and queso the other night and I used a paper plate and the queso jar. It ain’t rocket science. If you want to feel fancy, maybe wear a monocle while you eat.
Price: $24.99 (Sale!) (set of four)
Amount Requested: 1
Our Verdict: I have this coffee table that always shows glass and can rings, whether they’re dripping or not. So I was at a bar and noticed they had all these coasters and I took some and brought them home. I could totally snag some for you next time, Ben.
Price: $200
Amount Requested: 1
Our Verdict: It really makes sense to have such an expensive serving tray that you probably won’t use that often, but when you do it will most likely be to present STAGG beef chunk chili to Brett Keisel when he comes over to watch Viking porn.
Price: $39.99 (Sale!)
Amount Requested: 1
Our Verdict: Why go for the $200 serving bowl and the $40 serving tray, especially when they don’t even match? What is this, amateur hour? If I’m at Ben’s house and he tries to serve me Totino’s Pizza Rolls and Bagel Bites on a tray that doesn’t match the bowl holding the TGI Friday’s microwavable spinach dip, I am going to spit in his face.
Price: $125
Amount Requested: 1
Our Verdict: Because when you’re serving booze to your guests, you want them to know the bagged ice you just bought from 7-11 is being poured into only the finest of wood/metal ice buckets. This isn’t your run-of-the-mill Georgia highway Motel 8 ice bucket, this is Nambe, mother f*cker.
Price: $25.00
Amount Requested: 1
Our Verdict: I suppose if you’re going to be traveling for 6-7 months of the year, you’re going to want to make sure that your $75 salad bowls are protected from luggage thieves. Gotta look out for the important things in life, bro.
