The 2015 NFL Playoffs ARE FINALLY HERE! Playoff football is the most fun part of the entire year, except if your team is actually in the playoffs, because then the stress is unbearable. But this isn’t for those fans of (twists face into sheer contempt) “good teams.” Not all of us were so lucky to have our team actually do well this year. For most of us, our team sucked, and we need someone to fill that hole for the remainder of the year. It’s time to sidle up and pretend to be friends with a winner so you can save what’s left of your sports emotional state.
This is a difficult process. Which team is so deserving of your love? Why should any of these teams win if your team had to sit at home? Which of these teams winning would piss off people you hate the most? Well, there are a couple of guidelines to follow if you need assistance:
- Root for the underdog, unless they are a hated rival team
- Root for the team with least amount of historical success, because those fans deserve some happiness, unless they are a hated rival team
- Root for the team that annoys you a little less
- If you are a glory seeking butthole who doesn’t care about anyone but you, root for the team with the best chance to win
With those guidelines in mind, let’s take a look at every team in the playoffs, with pros and cons for bandwagoning each team.
- Looking at the teams, the most valid choices as a neutral fan would be the Texans, Bengals, Chiefs, Skins, or possibly the Vikings.
- If you are a selfish glory seeker who just wants to win, go with the Patriots, Steelers, or Seahawks, and probably the Panthers.
- If you hate yourself and can only live through pain and misery, go for the Chiefs, Bengals, Cardinals, or possibly the Vikings.
- If you hate crusty old white people with no sense of fun, go Panthers.
- If you really love talking about how much history your team has and how special you are, root for the Packers.
- If you just really, really hate the 49ers, root for the Chiefs (Alex Smith) and the Seahawks to play in Santa Clara.
- If you like that, go Skins!
- If you love Texas but hate Dallas, root for Brandon Weeden and the Texans.
- If you are Roger Goodell, root for anyone but the Patriots.
- If you are not Roger Goodell, still root for anyone but the Patriots.
But really, the only acceptable answer is chaos. All of these teams did better than yours, so they can all go to hell. Burn baby burn.
