In a move that should in no way turn a profit for the NFL, the league has partnered with TeeSpring and a slew of music artists to make nearly three-dozen T-shirts you wouldn’t wear while cleaning your garage. I was asked to check out the shirts for the purposes of ranking them, and it took a solid hour for me to be convinced these shirts are actually real and the NFL gave this their backing.
If you go to the TeeSpring web site, you’ll see the NFL logo and all 31 shirts available for 25 freaking dollars. It’s incredible. There’s even an earnest hashtag for people that still take hashtags seriously — #MyTeamMyCity. Check out the message about the shirts, which again, is totally serious:
For the first time ever, a select group of artists have created unique, official NFL gear that represent their favorite NFL teams and cities. These limited edition shirts are perfect for NFL fans to show pride in their city’s football team and favorite local musicians. Shirts will be available for a short time only — never to be sold again.
Be sure to make the pause before “never to be sold again” as long and dramatic as possible. And when you see the cities involved and the artists that ended up being chosen, you will appreciate how loosely “select” was used. Three teams — Green Bay, Oakland and Dallas — don’t have shirts, because those cities have never produced a single musician. It sounds crazy, but look it up. No music has ever come from Dallas.
So let’s rank these babies, shall we?
31. New England Patriots (Dropkick Murphys)
“I’m Shipping Up to Boston” came out 11 years ago. It’s time to get over it.
30. Washington Redskins (Wale)
This is a WALE of a boring shirt. It helps if you don’t know how Wale is pronounced.
29. New York Jets (KISS)
Finally, you can buy something with “KISS” splashed across it.
28. Kansas City Chiefs (Melissa Etheridge)
Come to my window. Crawl inside, and then throw your ugly shirt away.
27. Baltimore Ravens (All Time Low)
Wearing this shirt anywhere means your life is at an all time low.
26. Jacksonville Jaguars (Tedeschi Trucks Band)
This is what you get when a Jaguars shirt has sex with a Hard Rock cafe shirt and the birth is premature.
25. Cleveland Browns (Bone Thugs)
Bone Thugs is a cooler name than Dawg Pound and 216 represents the number of times the Browns have disappointed you in your life.
24. Atlanta Falcons (Lecrae)
This Lecrae dude only moved to Atlanta in 2009. He was born in Houston. Lived in Tennessee previously. There were about 116 better options than Lecrae, the name of an off-band seltzer.
23. Tennessee Titans (Jacob Whitesides)
Pretty massive get for the Titans, as there are zero good musical artists to come from Nashville besides whoever this is.
22. Chicago Bears (Fall Out Boy)
There is some sort of law that states Fall Out Boy has to be involved with every sports league’s marketing, because that’s what true musical artists are all about.
21. Carolina Panthers (Daughtry)
You’d eject a friend from a tailgate if he wore this shirt.
20. Tennessee Titans (Florida Georgia Line)
I mean, how many Nashville-based artists turned the NFL down for this?
19. Cincinnati Bengals (Walk the Moon)
These are the guys that did that abhorrent “Shut Up and Dance with Me” song. This is what you get when The National and The Naked Cowboy turn you down.
18. Houston Texans (ZZ Top)
When the NFL team with the blandest nickname wants to make the blandest shirt, they do it with the blandest band. Kudos, Houston.
17. Detroit Lions (Eminem)
A great commercial for this shirt would be Eminem wearing it to a rap battle and getting relentlessly mocked for it. Only instead of the rap battle happening in Detroit, it happens in Disneyland, the place where you’d wear this dad-looking shirt to embarrass your kids.
16. San Francisco 49ers (Jerry Garcia)
I’m sure this hand missing a middle finger is significant to either 49ers history or Garcia himself, but it looks like a shirt you’d wear to a Dane Cook concert in 2005.
15. Los Angeles Rams (Linkin Park)
This shirt is the punishment ownership deserves for relocating the team from St. Louis.
14. Arizona Cardinals (Dierks Bentley)
A boring musician on a boring shirt of a boring team. Synergy, Lemon.
13. Philadelphia Eagles (Diplo)
You could very easily convince people that Diplo is a cholesterol or impotency drug. Line your bird cage with the shirt so your bird can poop on a Diplo Mat.
12. Pittsburgh Steelers (Mac Miller)
This is one is baffling. Is the child emoji thing supposed to be Miller? Because James Harrison is No. 92 and he’s not a caucasian child. The emoji doesn’t even look like Miller. Did the NFL really need more money this badly?
11. Los Angeles Rams (YG)
Easily the shirt that required the least amount of work. “Bob, get your 4-year-old son to scribble ‘Rams’ across the front of the shirt so we can ship these.”
10. Denver Broncos (One Republic)
The shirt is fine, but since no one has heard of this band, it looks like the shirt is sponsored by a militia group looking to gain independence from America.
9. Miami Dolphins (Fergie)
I never knew it was possible to be embarrassed for a t-shirt until today.
8. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (Underoath)
If One Republic opened for Underoath, the billing would sound like a patriotic song. “One Republic, Underoath…” for liberty and bad $25 shirts for all.
7. Indianapolis Colts (Fort Frances)
I thought this was a Detroit Lions shirt at first based on the colors. It would make sense, because you can’t spell Fort Frances without FONTES.
6. Buffalo Bills (Goo Goo Dolls)
I’d give up forever to have this shirt. I know that you feel me somehow.
5. Seattle Seahawks (Allen Stone)
Is Allen Stone a band or a Seattle-based lawyer specializing in DUI arrests?
4. Minnesota Vikings (Trampled By Turtles)
This looks like something from Game of Thrones, so anyone that speaks ill of it gets to fight me.
3. New Orleans Saints (Jon Batiste)
“Jon Batiste” looks like it should have been “John Baptiste,” but the guy couldn’t afford all the letters. Anyway, nice shirt.
2. San Diego Chargers (Jason Mraz)
As someone that has always wanted a shirt with the police sketch of Keyzer Soze on it, this is a dream come true.
1. New York Giants (Frank Sinatra)
Simply put, more class and elegance from the classiest and most elegant team in the NFL.
