This is another entry in a series where Danger Guerrero and Martin Rickman email each other about important sports issues and then publish those emails. It’s not a new story form by any means, and admittedly it’s kind of lazy, but it is fun, and we like to have fun, so we hope you enjoy it. (Previously: Drafting our dream NBA All-Star Celebrity Game team.)
Martin: Admit it, Danger. You don’t watch the Pro Bowl. Sure, you maybe have been at a bar when it’s been on, and you notice it happening and think to yourself, “wait there’s football on that doesn’t make sense I thought the Super Bowl was next week,” but you don’t watch the Pro Bowl.
And yet, it goes on, without us. Played and enjoyed (presumably) by some. I’m not saying I wouldn’t go to the Pro Bowl. I would love to. I want to know what it’s all about, how the athletes act, if they’re enjoying it, what fans do in Hawaii during the week, what type of people fly out there *to* attend the Pro Bowl. But I don’t actively watch it. Which is a shame because it’s exactly the kind of thing I typically love. I go nuts for All-Star games in general. I love it when players act goofy and change the rules, and I’m all for playing games in exotic locations (which might be why I love the Bahamas Bowl so much).
But something about the Pro Bowl doesn’t work for me. I can’t say exactly what it is, but I can say I feel like it can be improved. As it stands now Jerry Rice and Michael Irvin are drafting teams (great start), and there are a few tiny rule changes just for the heck of it. That’s not enough. I think we can really make the Pro Bowl not only better, but more watchable. It can be a true can’t-miss event. And I know you’re the guy to help me make this happen.
How can we fix the Pro Bowl?
Danger: The problem, I think, is that the game takes place at the end of the year when everyone is focused on the playoffs. Baseball and basketball have their festivities serve as mid-year break/celebrations, which changes the whole atmosphere. They’re big parties. Also, they have the Home Run Derby and Slam Dunk Contest, respectively, which, despite the fact that the sports insist on trying to ruin them with constant changes of the rules and format, are the best. Dingers and dunks. Dunks and dingers. The NFL has nothing that can compete.
SO.
Here’s my three-part proposal to fix the Pro Bowl:
1) Have the skill position players compete in a Slam Dunk Contest.
2) Have the big fat linemen compete in a Home Run Derby.
3) Move it to midseason and cancel the football game.
Thoughts?
Martin: Okay, there is something to that. And I’ll start with your third point specifically. Why isn’t football’s All-Star event during the regular season? I mean aside from the obvious point of “football thinks it’s more important than every other sport so it does whatever it wants.” I think a break for all the players rather than a random bye week would be great, and it would allow the NFL season to stretch into one more additional week, which we all know they’d love. OWN THE YEAR WITH FOOTBAW.
And don’t tell me it’s the hitting that’s the issue. The NHL doesn’t have any problem with this. And if we’re really going to struggle, then a big-time skills competition or your other two suggestions are the way to go. Get these players we’ve honored for all their hard work and greatness out there doing other physical activities. Slam Dunk Contest? Sure. Dingers into the ocean? Even better. Dancing contests? Why not? Double Dare Physical Challenges? Heck yeah. Anything we can do to make these guys have a good time and make this thing different and more unique I’m all for.
But we’ll still have to have a football game of some sort, even if we change it up a little bit, right? Okay, hear me out here, but I’m thinking we move the game entirely to the beach (Saved By The Bell Malibu Sands style), and we raise the stakes. I’m talking go karts here.
Danger: A NOTE: Our discussion of baseball’s actual all-star game should probably end here, because they are still clinging to the “this game matters” thing where the winning league gets home-field advantage in the World Series, which 1) was at the time, 2) still is, and 3) always will be one of the stupidest sports-related things ever. I can’t even talk about it. It is so dumb. I’ll blow out an artery somewhere around “A FAN-VOTED EXHIBITION GAME TILTS THE BALANCE OF POWER IN YOUR CHAMPIONSHIP SERIES BUT BARRY BONDS CAN’T GET INTO THE HALL OF FAME BECAUSE THE SUSPICION THAT HE CHEATED IS AN AFFRONT TO THE INTEGRITY OF THE GAME?” in my rant. Can’t do it. So we move on.
The advantage the NBA has is that they can go into full non-stop alley-oop mode at any point. Alley-oops are fun. Fans love alley-oops. The problem football has is that the closest thing it has to alley-oops are trick plays, and trick plays require planning and coordination to prevent them from turning into disorganized messes where everyone kinda just moseys about. This is why, from now on, the teams in the Pro Bowl must spend 48 hours, MINIMUM, designing and practicing trick plays before the game. Ten each. Touchdowns on designated trick plays worth double.
Martin: What if you’re only allowed to run trick plays, and nothing else? We’ve seen enough dives and 4-yard outs to last us the rest of our lives, our children’s lives, and our grandchildren’s lives, so give me all the flea flickers and double reverses I can handle.
Also, no punts. None. I’m not someone who hates punting (a 70-yard bomb can sometimes be the best play of the game), but it has no place in the Pro Bowl. If you punt, you lose points. That’s your decision.
And maybe we make the field smaller, or use Vortex footballs, or have athletes from other sports tag in. I have always wanted to see LeBron James line up against an elite NFL cornerback.
Is this enough to get people to watch? Something tells me we need to enhance the broadcast in some way, too.
Danger: PUT
MCCONAUGHEY
AND
DMX
IN
THE
BOOTH
Martin: We did it. We fixed the Pro Bowl.
Scrap all the other changes and use that money for more fireworks or something.
I still want the go karts though.
Danger: Go karts are key.
