Here’s How The Redskins Are Using Names Like ‘Dick Balls’ And ‘I Love Vagina’ To Defend Their Trademark

daniel snyder
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Back in July, a federal judge upheld the cancellation of the Washington Redskins’ trademark due to its offensive content. It was an impressive stand against an inappropriate slur being used as a team name, but on legal grounds, it was a little surprising. Can you remember another time a judgment like this has been made?

Neither can the Skins, which is why they’ve appealed the decision to the 4th Circuit Court in Richmond, Virginia. And they’re using a bold tactic: listing a bunch of “offensive” trademarks protected by the Patent and Trademark Office in their opening brief. We’re just going to reprint them here for you — and please, imagine these being read off an impressive parchment scroll by a town crier for full effect:

“By way of example only, the following marks are registered today: TAKE YO PANTIES OFF clothing; DANGEROUS NEGRO shirts; SLUTSSEEKER dating services; DAGO SWAGG clothing; DUMB BLONDE beer; TWATTY GIRL cartoons; BAKED BY A NEGRO bakery goods; BIG TITTY BLENDcoffee; RETARDIPEDIA website; MIDGET-MAN condoms and inflatable sex dolls; and JIZZ underwear. These are not isolated instances. The government routinely
registers pornographers’ marks: TEENSDOPORN.COM, MILFSDOPORN.COM, THUG

That “1” at the end? That’s a footnote, Washington’s lawyers’ version of “I could go on.” And they do go on!

“Other startling examples that would reflect government endorsement under the decision below include: SHANK THE B!T@H board game; CRACKA AZZ SKATEBOARDS; ANAL FANTASY COLLECTION, KLITORIS, and OMAZING SEX TOYS sex toys; HOT OCTOPUSS anti-premature ejaculation creams; OL GEEZER wines; EDIBLE CROTCHLESS GUMMY PANTIES lingerie; WTF WORK? online forum; MILF WEED bags; GRINGO STYLE SALSA; MAKE YOUR OWN DILDO; GRINGO BBQ; CONTEMPORARY NEGRO, F’D UP, WHITE TRASH REBEL, I LOVE VAGINA, WHITE GIRL WITH A BOOTY, PARTY WITH SLUTS, CRIPPLED OLD BIKER BASTARDS, DICK BALLS, and REDNECK ARMY apparel; OH! MY NAPPY HAIR shampoos; REFORMED WHORES and WHORES FROM HELL musical bands; LAUGHING MY VAGINA OFF entertainment; NAPPY ROOTS records; BOOTY CALL sex aids; BOYS ARE STUPID, THROW ROCKS AT THEM wallets; and DUMB BLONDE hair products. Word limits prevent us from listing more.”

Let it be known forever and ever that to protect their trademark, the Washington Redskins are lumping themselves in with such goods and services as Dick Balls, Milf Weed, WTF Work?, and Big Titty Blend coffee. They are NOT distinguishing themselves from these brands; they are chaining themselves to them and claiming that if one goes down, they all have to go down. Though I’m not quite sure who Daniel Snyder thinks will be offended by “Boys Are Stupid” or “Make Your Own Dildo.” The first one’s just true, and the second one sounds pretty useful!

Anyway, good luck with your best friends Dick Balls, Dan.

(Via Washington Post)

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