Roger Clemens Is On His Way To Being The New Jose Canseco

Senior Writer

Just two days after I hosted my 2-month anniversary celebration for his acquittal – including jalapeno poppers! – Roger Clemens is back in our lives for what he was always best at – throwing broken bats at Mike Piazza in a frenzied rage that was definitely not brought on by steroid use. Unfortunately, Piazza hasn’t signed on yet, so we’ll have to settle for Clemens doing what he hasn’t been good at for 7 years – pitching.

Clemens has signed a deal with the Sugar Land Skeeters of the Atlantic League of Professional Baseball. Yeah, your guess is as good as mine.

Club officials told the FOX affiliate that the 50-year-old was clocked at 87 mph during a workout on Monday.

For what it’s worth (which could be absolutely nothing), the Skeeters website has Saturday listed as The Human Fireball Night.

“The Bases are sure to be smoking after this game,” the team’s site states. “No, not from all the runs the Skeeters will score. It will be from Stuntman Ted Batchelor as he LIGHTS HIMSELF ON FIRE after the game and does a complete trip around the bases.” (Via FOX Sports)

Obviously we’re all thinking the same thing – why isn’t Clemens the one who is being lit on fire? I mean, 87 mph is pretty weak, so maybe burning him alive is just the motivation Clemens will need to add a few mph to that crappy effort.

And here’s Batchelor winning the Guinness World Record for longest full-body burn, because that’s significantly more important than anything Clemens will ever do again.

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