Sidney Crosby Is Not Dating Taylor Swift, But If He Was It Might Go Like This…

Senior Writer
04.11.13 17 Comments

Pittsburgh’s 96.1 KISS FM Morning Freak Show, hosted by Mikey and Big Bob, responded to a Twitter rumor yesterday that Pittsburgh Penguins star Sidney Crosby is dating country-turned-pop star Taylor Swift. Normally, I’d be like, “Stupid morning radio bros startin’ poop with awful photoshops” but not this time, because this rumor totally seems like it could be true.

For example, Swift is playing at the Amway Center tonight in my beloved Bethlehem of the meth belt, Orlando, and I wouldn’t even flinch if someone walked up to me in a strip club and said, “Hey I heard Sidney Crosby’s in town because Taylor Swift is playing a show tonight” because she has a different boyfriend every week. In fact, I’m shocked that she hasn’t dated Crosby yet. Hell, any pro athlete for that matter.

So because it’s eventually going to happen, and Swift will break up with whichever athlete she gets her talons on (please be Tebow, please be Tebow…) and then she’ll write an entire album about him, I took the liberty of writing her first hit single off that album.

“Three Strikes and You’re No Good”

Music by Taylor Swift

Lyrics by Ashley “Colonel Lovejuice” Burns

Inspired by [Insert Athlete’s Name]

(First verse)

You may lead the league in blocks

But there’s no time left on my clocks

Your home runs may pack the stands

But honey we ain’t holdin’ hands

No moooooooooooore


Strike one, you’re no fun

Strike two, who the heck are you?

Strike three, to be mean to me

Strike four, you’re out the door

My heart split the uprights but you’re no good

(Second verse)

It’s a good thing I’m not an ump

Because I’d give your head a lump

I’d check you into the glass

And you’d never touch my… *shhhhh*

No moooooooooooore


Strike one, boy, you’re done

Strike two, lace up your shoe

Strike three, bring on the punt team

Strike four, my heart strings just tore

Put me on the 60 day DL because you’re no good


You said you’re from the school of hard knocks

But now you’re in my penalty box

You’d rather judge a wet t-shirt party

Than treat me like your Lombardi

Now I’m cutting you from my roster before opening day

Because you just hit into a triple play

You’re my lousy Scott Norwood, cuz you’re no good, no good no gooooooooood

(Third verse)

So go use performance-enhancing drugs

While you’re out there endorsing UGGs

Cuz you ain’t on my lineup card tonight

And these benches won’t clear to fight

No moooooooooooore


Strike one, I’m calling an audible to shotgun

Strike two, my whistle blew

Strike three, don’t blame the referee

Strike four, get off the floor

That’s someone else with me on the Kiss Cam, cuz you’re no goooooooood

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