This is another entry in a series where Danger Guerrero and Martin Rickman email each other about important sports issues and then publish those emails. It’s not a new story form by any means, and admittedly it’s kind of lazy, but it is fun, and we like to have fun, so we hope you enjoy it. (Previously: Drafting our dream NBA All-Star Celebrity Game team, Fixing The Pro Bowl.)
Martin: The “big game” is here. That’s right, it’s Super Bowl time. We get to load up on snacks, turn the volume to an unreasonable level, make small talk we’ll completely ignore with friends and pour hours into a television screen. This is America at its finest, and nothing celebrates that more than the halftime show. It’s sponsored, will have plenty of brand plugs, unnecessary flourishes and choreography and special guests, and it’s wonderful.
There have been lots of amazing halftime show moments over the years, from actual good music, to hilarity, to absurdity, and I doubt that Super Bowl 50 will be any different, especially with how much emphasis they’ve been putting on blowing just about every facet of this game out to the Nth degree.
This year they went with Coldplay (and others). Some players in the Super Bowl don’t even know who Coldplay is, which is fine because all the people making the decisions (read: sponsors) love Coldplay and that’s who matters here.
How do you feel about Coldplay (and Beyonce and others)? What would you do if you were in charge of the halftime show?
Danger: I kind of… nothing Coldplay. I don’t particularly like them, I don’t particularly hate them. They’re fine. They seem nice. They’re kind of like Olive Garden. You can probably find better Italian food than the stuff at Olive Garden if you take some time and poke around, and you might take great pleasure in crapping on it in part because it’s a big faceless monolith, and you’ll never understand why there’s a 75 minute wait to eat there a 5:30 on a Friday night when your beloved Mama Papa Marioluigi’s down the street has a dozen open tables every night. But, truthfully, honestly, Olive Garden is fine. So is Coldplay. Coldplay is fine. And you secretly love their breadsticks.
Beyonce… I am sure Beyonce will put on a flawless show, because I’m not even sure Beyonce is capable of producing a flaw. I don’t even think she can comprehend the general idea. Take, for example, this clip, which is still one of my favorite YouTube videos ever.
Watch Michele fall the first time you watch it. Watch her fall the next few times you watch it, too, because it is hilarious. But after you get that out of your system (I’m thinking 20-25 views), watch Kelly and Beyonce. Kelly kind of freezes for a second, like a normal human who is capable of empathy in that situation would. Like, “Oh no, you poor thing.” Beyonce very much does not do that. One-third of her singing group has just eaten it spectacularly on live television, and she barely even reacts. A glance. A half a glance, really. Like she just processed that there was some generic motion in her periphery. Didn’t slow her down an iota.
Sharks haven’t evolved much over the past millions and millions of years because they were already evolutionary perfect predators. In this way, as in others, Beyonce is basically a shark.
As far as what I would do if I were in charge of the halftime show, two options:
1) Have the surviving members of Wu-Tang perform, but with none of the traditional showy to-do. No dancers, no lasers, no elaborate stages. Just all the members of Wu-Tang, in white t-shirts, under the house lights, performing selected uncensored songs from their catalog.
2) Let Prince do it every year.
Martin: Okay let’s talk about that first option for a second. Is there any event big enough that would get the full group back together, happy enough with each other, for an extended period of time that would result in a good show? I don’t know if the Super Bowl is it. Something would still go wrong and RZA would storm off or Ghostface would go sit in a corner and refuse to be addressed by anything other than “Zorlop230.” I get the general sense an asteroid would need to be hitting earth Armageddon style and there’d be some sort of benefit concert to raise money for the team to try and stop it, and even then I feel like Method and Red still put the wrong date in their Google Calendar.
Which brings us to Prince. Yes. This is something I’m 100 percent on board with. Every year. Prince gets a Super Bowl halftime residence the same way Celine owns Vegas. This must happen. I mean we already saw Prince’s first halftime show and it was perfection. I’m curious to get your take on it. Break it down for us, Danger.
Danger: There are two notable elements of Prince’s performance at halftime of Super Bowl XLI in Miami. Actually, no. That’s wrong. There is one notable element of Prince’s performance at halftime of Super Bowl XLI in Miami, and that element is the entire thing, which was awesome. But there are two sub-elements.
The first, as I’ve said on many occasions while discussing this, is that Prince performed “Purple Rain” during a driving rainstorm in front of millions and millions of people. He performed “Purple Rain” <i>in the rain</i>. You will never convince me he did not personally summon the precipitation earlier that day just to add flair to his performance. Prince cares not if your little game ends up sloppy and muddy. Prince has a show to put on.
The second element is that Prince blew up his silhouette 20 feet high for his guitar solo and repeatedly held his purple guitar in such a way that it looked like he had a giant ornate demon penis. Again, in front of millions and millions of people. Look.
Prince is the best.
Martin: That’s really maybe the only thing I remember about that halftime show. Prince, on live television, making his guitar as phallic as a person can make a guitar, and owning it to a level of which not even the pearl-clutchiest of the pearl clutchers could be mad because it was Prince and that is what Prince does. Okay, the other thing I remember is Prince shredding during pretty much the entirety of the performance. I feel like he would’ve played for three or four more hours on that stage at a football stadium if someone wasn’t in his ear telling him to stop because it was the Super Bowl.
Prince: “I am the Super Bowl.”
Producer: “That’s just not true.”
Prince: [Long Pause.] “Are you sure?”
Producer: “I am not sure.”
Second Producer: “We can’t do this.”
Prince: “We are pure energy. We can do anything.”
Both Producers: “We can do anything.”
Football Man: “SUPER BOWL TIME.”
You know what? I’m coming around to your way of thinking. Let’s get Prince in the Super Bowl always. Or just get Prince a live feed 24/7 EDtv style so every day can be the Super Bowl.
Danger: Like what if Prince shows up in a helicopter 30 seconds into Coldplay’s performance, without telling anyone he’s coming, and just shoos them off the stage so he can perform with Beyonce? What if he does that and then announces that he will need one hour for his crew to set up the stage for him, and that everyone is free to mill about until he is ready? Who would stop him?
Martin: Would anyone even be mad? It’s Prince. They’d probably declare a winner by default and let him jam as long as he wants. Here’s my thing: this isn’t that implausible. I would venture to say there’s about a 15 percent chance at all times that Prince will helicopter in and start performing wherever you are currently at this moment.
It’s the Bill Murray Confluence. Where you are, Bill could also be, and vice versa. Prince also applies. At an aquarium for your toddler’s birthday party on Boxing Day? Maybe Prince will be there. Attending the Fast & Furious 8 premiere? Prince. On a dang boat in the middle of nowhere with just the sea and your thoughts? Well, looky here, Prince just took a coast guard boat out to sea and he wants to see you.
This is the halftime show I’m praying for. This is the halftime show we deserve.
Danger: NEXT YEAR
SUPER BOWL HALFTIME SHOW
PRINCE
VIA SATELLITE
FROM A COAST GUARD BOAT
Martin: You know he’s going to find a way to drive that boat right onto the 50 yard line.
