Oh, NFL Super Bowl Media Day — you beacon of silliness, bastion of bonkers antics, cavalcade of circus theatrics… you slay me. Nothing says rugged masculinity like reporters dressing up in ridiculous outfits and footballers spitting silly one-liners, but in all honesty, Super Bowl Media Day can be a fun event. Half of the fun resides in the answers NFL stars give to said reporters, ranging from the flamboyant, to the super serious, to the downright insane. As we gear up for Super Bowl 50, Media Day is upon us, so let’s take a look back at the zenith of zany past Media Days have given us.
“Terry couldn’t spell cat if you spotted him a ‘C’ and a ‘T.'”
Thomas “Hollywood” Henderson had a few choice words for Terry Bradshaw back at Super Bowl XIII. Questioning his intelligence, Henderson suggested that Bradshaw was too stupid to spell a three-letter word. Bradshaw’s response? Winning the Super Bowl MVP. Success is truly the best revenge.
“I like a little puppet that you can put your fingers in. A little monkey.”
Patriots coach Bill Belichick answered as honestly as he could when a child asked him what kind of stuffed animals he liked. And, frankly, who doesn’t like a little monkey? They’re hilarious. Still, it’s hard to imagine a grown man in one of the most manly of sports actually saying this before said sport’s ultimate finale. Own that monkey love Bill, and never change.
“I love my wife’s booty. I think my wife has the best butt of all time.”
Seahawks defensive lineman Michael Bennett loves his wife’s booty, and I’m not going to agree or disagree with him unless I want my head lifted off my spine by a monstrous football player. What I will say: It’s admirable that Bennett thinks highly enough of his wife’s lower-back cushions to mention them during a media scrum. That’s true love folks. Forget roses — praising your girl’s backside is the new “I love you.”
“If I did have an imaginary girlfriend, I never told anybody about it”
Without context, Randy Moss’ Super Bowl Media Day comments in 2013 sound like the ravings of a lunatic. Perhaps we should leave it without context, and allow that quote to simmer in your brain for a while. Oh, alright — he was talking about the wonderful internet pastime of “catfishing.” Anyway, it’s still an amazing quote, but it presents a black hole of thought: If he did have an imaginary girlfriend, and didn’t tell anyone, does that girlfriend even exist? And, if she does exist to Moss, then is that enough to say she does, in fact, exist in some form? Now, take this conundrum to your university’s philosophy majors and tell them to shut up.
“Keep your dragon to yourself.”
Tom Brady, in 2012, had a run-in with a reporter who espoused the virtues of dragons… or the “year of the dragon”… something about dragons, for sure. The reporter wouldn’t let up, telling Brady that various football stars had “touched his dragon,” which is a terrible dick joke, but thus is the circus of Media Day. Tom ended up telling the man that in no way did he want to touch his dragon. Good one, Tom.
“It takes me about 45 minutes to get ready every day. Head and Shoulders makes a great line of both (shampoo and conditioner), so anything that’s a Head and Shoulders product would be great.”
Hair means everything to Troy Polamalu. In 2011, the former Pittsburgh Steeler unleashed upon the media his ridiculous hair routine, which includes almost an hour of prep-time. For someone who gained such a fantastic head of hair, it was shocking to see that he uses Head and Shoulders (obvious plug for him); someone of his follicle stature deserves something more high-end.
“I’m never stressed, man. I wake up every day and look in the mirror and say, ‘Damn, I look good,’ so I can’t be stressed.”
Channeling pro wrestling legend Ric Flair, Michael Bennett (on this list for a second time), in 2015, let the world know that he thinks he’s fine. Bennett touches upon a profound socio-political topic though: good-looking people have it easy. While Bennett didn’t know that his words would touch the lives of millions of ordinary looking people, it did.
“Shannon looks like a horse. I’ll tell you, that’s an ugly dude. You can’t tell me he doesn’t look like Mr. Ed.”
In 1999, Ray Buchanan had no shortage for insults for Shannon Sharpe. While it’s not fair to say Sharpe looks like the stately, fictitious TV horse, it is a hilarious comparison. This is what Media Day was invented for folks. No one wants to watch the NFL Network for several hours getting the requisite “We play hard because we train hard” rhetoric. Give us insults or give us death. And by death I mean binge-watching Gilmore Girls on Netflix.
“I’m here so I won’t get fined.” — 29 times
“You sexy, too,” is one of the few lines that Marshawn Lynch manages to push into his impressive display of linguistics. In 2015, Lynch decided it would be awesome if he just repeated the obvious: he was there so he wouldn’t get fined. You know what? He was right. It was awesome.
“He was healing the sick, and the doctors got mad. He was raising the dead, and all the funeral home directors got mad.”
Reggie White is a legend in Green Bay and Philadelphia, but he wasn’t doing himself any favors in 1997 when he spat out the above line. The “He” in that quote is Jesus, and it’s doubtful there were “doctors” (at least in our current definition of doctors) during his time. Also, I never remember there being any funeral homes in the scripture I read during my eight years in Catholic school. Whatever. It’s Reggie friggin’ White. He can say whatever he pleases, and I’m sure in Heaven right now White and the J-man are enjoying that line over a Bud Light of the Word.
