The Texas Rangers’ New Stadium Food Will Give You A Heart Attack Just Looking At It

Baseball is America and America is baseball. And because America is all about stuffing its face with deep fried junk, it makes perfect sense that deep fried junk is becoming synonymous with baseball. For far too long, stadiums have been serving up the same old fare: peanuts, crackerjacks, hot dogs, and other crap even my grandpappy was getting bored of. Those days are now over.

And thanks to the mad scientists at Delaware North Companies, the food services group that runs the concessions at Globe Life Park in Arlington, ball games in Texas are about to get way more delicious. Their two new stands, “State Fair” and “Just Bacon” are going above and beyond with the deep-fried insanity.

“Just Bacon” is more than just bacon. It’s bacon cotton candy, candied bacon coated in cinnamon and chili powder, and maple bacon ale beer. And ‘State Fair’ takes deep fried food to a pornographic level, offering the Fried S’mOreo (pictured at the top of this post): graham cracker breaded marshmallows deep fried and skewered between two deep fried Oreos and drizzled with chocolate sauce and cool whip.

Other deep fried delicacies? Chicken fried corn on the cob in buttermilk batter, deep fried pickles, and macaroni and cheese brisket balls.

Texas Rangers fans have been enjoying a fast food renaissance at their field in the past few years. Last season, Delaware North added a bunch of beautiful nonsense like the Tanaco, a 2-foot taco, and the Choomongous, a 24-inch spicy Korean beef sub named after Shin-Soo Choo.

But all these pale in comparison the the Arizona Diamondbacks’ Churro Dog, a warm cinnamon churro inside a Long John chocolate glazed donut topped with yogurt, caramel, and chocolate sauce.

If this concession stand arm race continues the way it’s been going, we may have to turn our attention away from concussions in the NFL to heart attacks in MLB.