The Adventures Of Jose Canseco: Time Traveling Vice Columnist

For as much as people make fun of Jose Canseco’s sometimes insane ramblings or pathetic attempts at begging Major League GMs to sign him, I do have a soft spot for the guy’s sweeter moments. Like, remember when he would talk about his beloved Leila? You know, before he tried to hook up with random girls via Twitter? I always thought that showed a side of the old lug that people needed to see more, so we didn’t always equate him to an insane juicer capable of snapping and rampaging small villages at any moment.

In this week’s Vice column, the eventual Pulitzer winner (hopefully for his shocking exposés on the government) elaborates on a very random – more random than usual – Tweet that he posted the other day:

If you were hoping that Canseco was going to deliver the Flux Capacitor, I have bad news. Time travel, according to Canseco, is possible, but only if your mind is as powerful as his.

I time travel all the time and have been for the last 20 years; it’s real simple. But there are rules: You can’t travel to the future, and you can’t change history—but that’s a good thing because you wouldn’t want to wake up in a different future or past, as the case may be.

But how do you know if the future you wake up in is the real future or a different future? He’s already blowing my mind.

The only way to time travel is in your dreams, subconsciously. To do this you must know how to control your dreams.

If I knew how to control my dreams, I’d never end up sleeping with this lady…

I first learned the art of time traveling during my first divorce. My heart was broken, I was depressed all the time, and I just couldn’t take the pain. Somehow I realized that the pain subsided once I entered a dream state.