The Adventures Of Jose Canseco: Time Traveling Vice Columnist

For as much as people make fun of Jose Canseco’s sometimes insane ramblings or pathetic attempts at begging Major League GMs to sign him, I do have a soft spot for the guy’s sweeter moments. Like, remember when he would talk about his beloved Leila? You know, before he tried to hook up with random girls via Twitter? I always thought that showed a side of the old lug that people needed to see more, so we didn’t always equate him to an insane juicer capable of snapping and rampaging small villages at any moment.

In this week’s Vice column, the eventual Pulitzer winner (hopefully for his shocking exposés on the government) elaborates on a very random – more random than usual – Tweet that he posted the other day:

If you were hoping that Canseco was going to deliver the Flux Capacitor, I have bad news. Time travel, according to Canseco, is possible, but only if your mind is as powerful as his.

I time travel all the time and have been for the last 20 years; it’s real simple. But there are rules: You can’t travel to the future, and you can’t change history—but that’s a good thing because you wouldn’t want to wake up in a different future or past, as the case may be.

But how do you know if the future you wake up in is the real future or a different future? He’s already blowing my mind.

The only way to time travel is in your dreams, subconsciously. To do this you must know how to control your dreams.

If I knew how to control my dreams, I’d never end up sleeping with this lady…

I first learned the art of time traveling during my first divorce. My heart was broken, I was depressed all the time, and I just couldn’t take the pain. Somehow I realized that the pain subsided once I entered a dream state.

Aw, poor guy. See, this is when I start to feel bad for him. Like when the government wouldn’t give him back his chandeliers.

Now I’ll do things like say, “I want to see my mom,” and boom, my mom pops up and I’m in the past. I can talk to her. I can hug her. It’s very emotional. My dad just passed away about two years ago, and now I see him this way too. Or I could say, “I want to go back to high school.” Boom! All of a sudden my dream shifts to when I was in school and I had this huge crush on a cheerleader named Dawn Alba. I always wanted to go up to her and say hi and tell her how much of a crush I had on her, but I was so shy that I just couldn’t. When I time travel I’ll see her there and literally walk up to her and kiss her; you can pretty much do whatever you want. You can even fly to different spots, zooming through the air.

Somewhere, Dawn Alba is walking into her office and everyone is snickering and pointing at her and it’s because Canseco is naked on her office floor, covered in jelly, shouting, “I time traveled for you!” Poor girl, she’s probably signing her name change papers right now.

The only way I will ever be able to play in the major leagues again is through time travel, but for some strange reason it’s the one thing I haven’t been able to do.

Even in his dreams, GMs are telling Canseco to f*ck off.

The other night I had a dream in which Dan Duquette, the GM who signed me to the Red Sox, wouldn’t let me play because of a “technical issue.” I looked at him and said, “Listen, I want to play tonight.” He responded with something crazy like, “If you want to play, go get me vanilla Dippin’ Dots with chocolate syrup on them.” I searched everywhere for the stand, and when I finally found it and bought a cup of Dots I immediately fumbled it and dropped it to the ground. I was like, “Oh my God!” but at this point I was really determined, so I kept trying until I finally got one back to Duquette without dropping it. Then he started making all of these other crazy excuses for why I couldn’t play, saying, “Now I want this, and then I want that…” It was insane.

Yeah, “it” was insane.

Sometimes I’ll even tell myself, as a child, “Listen, when you get to the majors, never do steroids.” Of course, that never works, because I still am where I am.

Well yeah, if you tell a child not to do something, what the hell do you think is going to happen? But Canseco’s wisdom has finally inspired me, so I give you “Jose Canseco: Lost In Time” Episode 1.