Pre-show notes:
– Things you should read from the last week of posts at The Mandible Claw include the thing I wrote about Donald Trump’s “appearance” on the Gorgeous Ladies Of Wrestling and an hour of me and Danielle talking to ACW and National Pro Wrestling Day star Jojo Bravo. Also, everything else on the site. You should check it out daily.
– Don’t forget to vote in our first annual With Leather Bad Wrestling Theme Lyrics March Madness Tournament! Round one matches are happening right now. They need your votes!
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– GIFS courtesy of Jerusalem at Punchsport Pagoda.
And now, Raw goes REGULAR SCHOOL! The Best and Worst of WWE Raw for March 11, 2013, is after the jump.
Best: My Heartfelt Apologies For Your Loss … At WrestleMania
I’ll write about this at length a little later in the column (when the “smashing peoples’ brothers with their dead dad’s urn” starts happening), but I love with my entire heart Impossibly Awful Heel CM Punk and his penchant for interrupting anyone else’s good time. Interrupting an elderly woman’s fake birthday party was one thing … interrupting a legendary wrestler’s tribute to his freshly dead mentor is something else entirely. If Punk had brought out a dummy of Paul Bearer, kicked it in the head and proclaimed “shitty roundhouse kick” the cause of death it wouldn’t surprise me. Aside from “believing what he says when he says it,” one of my favorite things about Punk has always been that he’s not afraid to go all-in on offensive angles. I mean, hell, he’s the guy who once let a guy attack him and try to remove his Straight Edge tattoos with a cheese grater.
Punk’s interruption was good, but him extending his heartfelt apologies for the Undertaker’s loss, then dramatically pausing before unleashing at WrestleMania to a chorus of boos was Next Level heeling. Just an A+ all around. I want to see the Undertaker annihilate him at WrestleMania now. This angle should end up with Punk’s head on a spike on Undertaker’s Spiky Devil Castle, which I assume exists, and is where he keeps his colorful outfits.
I’m also really happy they found a way to get Kane in on this stuff, because Kane/Paul Bearer is just as important as Undertaker/Paul Bearer. I only wish they’d brought on Foley as a cheeky special guest, had him learn of Bearer’s passing and had the Mankind persona get all f**ked-up in Foley’s head and take over for a night. Good Mankind, too. Piano music Hannibal Lecter Mankind, not Chef Boyardee and sock puppets.
Worst: Big Show “Gets The Jump” On The Shield 40 Seconds Into The Match
I think Seth Rollins versus Big Show could be good. It’s one of those matches I’d love to play in the video game. It was pretty good for the 15 seconds of it we got, too, until Big Show attacked the other Shield guys, causing the Shield guys to attack him. You know, I think the referees should have better judgment than they do. I get that The Shield was probably just gonna run in and start clubbering or whatever, but in the scenario we were given, they were just hanging out at ringside. Show throws Rollins into Ambrose, rolls out of the ring, then purposefully seeks out Reigns and throws him into the guardrail. Ambrose and Rollins attack from behind, and that’s when the referee calls for the disqualification and Show gets the win. Is that fair? Shouldn’t he be the one disqualified for starting a ruckus? If Reigns had been up on the apron going HEY SHOW HEY OVER HERE and gotten punched or whatever I could see DQ’ing things Show’s way, but nope, purposeful attack.
Anyway, I love Show and the Shield, but I don’t want to see many more of these DAMNED NUMBERS GAME assaults. Hopefully WrestleMania will be the end of them. Why are The Shield wrestlers? I know they’re here to right injustices or whatever, but when they exist independently of Paul Heyman’s mechanizations, shouldn’t they want to win wrestling matches? They’re doing really great when they actually wrestle. We’ve seen that they can win as a team. I buy that over them “standing tall” at the end of another powerbomb blitz, because shit, what does that accomplish, exactly? If a soccer team ran out onto the field 20 seconds into every game, beat everybody up, posed, then immediately left, all you’d think is “man, those guys are assholes and terrible at soccer.”
Best: Daniel Bryan And Dolph Ziggler Are So Good Together
Yes, please. Yes, please.
This was predictably great. Maybe one of the unexpected side effects of Paul Bearer’s passing is that Kane has a relevant reason to f**k with the Undertaker again, and Daniel Bryan can move forward as a submission wrestler who has great matches and not worry so much about therapy graduations and whether or not people think he looks like a goat. Can we do that? Can we make the best of a bad situation?
It’s also SO GREAT to see Dolph Ziggler win a match on Raw again. The guy’s been losing so much lately I forgot how good he could be when he comes out on top, and even though he went to his old offense a little too much here (the Ace Crusher II instead of the jumping DDt, for example) it all played well. It’s no shock that the guy who is best at taking offense in WWE pairs well with the guy best at delivering it. It’s also no shock to learn that I am still infatuated with WWE Team Rocket, and appreciate every instance of Big E Langston and AJ Lee on my television. In a better world (the 1980s), WrestleMania would have 15 matches on it again and we could get a swank 15 minute Big E/Daniel Bryan match to settle a grudge without a bunch of gravity being wedged into it. Hell, do it on Raw. Make Big E look great and remember that Daniel Bryan is magic and can make anything Pro Wrestling better.
Worst: The Announce Team, All Night Long
I’ve got this thing I do where I multitask during Raw and randomly yell things at my television. I’ll be doing dishes or whatever and Jerry Lawler will say something like “AJ Lee had a boyfriend before Dolph Ziggler, right? What a whore!” and I’ll yell F**K OFF JERRY LAWLER “at” the television while staring into the bowels of my dishwasher.
Last night I did that WAY TOO MUCH. The announce team was spectacularly bad, reaching Heel Michael Cole levels for maybe the first time since Cole cut it the hell out. Almost everything they said was counterproductive and stupid. Lawler’s baiting of AJ for absolutely no reason continues to be infuriating, but it didn’t stop there. Listen to him and Cole cackle to themselves about how bad the Highlight Reel segment was. Yeah guys, we know it’s bad, your job is to run damage control on ugly segments. Jim Ross would’ve just called it “bowling shoe ugly” in passing 10 minutes later and let it live or die on its own.
Better yet, listen to Lawler and Cole say that CM Punk interrupting the tribute to Paul Bearer is the most disrespectful thing he’s ever done. Hey Jerry Lawler, remember when Punk was straight-up making fun of your dead mother? Get some sincerity and context, you chuckling f**ks.
Best: Good Call, FAHDAHGOO, Nobody Wants To Wrestle Tensai
The best part of this segment is Fandango addressing Naomi as an individual (the first time this has happened since NXT) and the big ass smile on her face, which to me read, “oh boy, somebody noticed that I’m good! Thanks, Faaaahdaaaaahgoo, I am willing to nutshot these dudes for any reason, just say the word.” A Naomi heel turn is gonna be great, especially if she pairs up with Johnny’s dancing girl and forms a team of evil, bad-ass wrestling Ballroomadactyls.
And furthermore, let me get this straight: I should be cheering for the fat guys in matching underwear who do The Pony and rip off their pants to studio music from 10 years ago, and I should boo the handsome, ripped guy who is good at his hobbies. Got it.
Best Possible Best: Rhodes Scholars Doing The New Age Outlaws Intro
The first hour of Raw was pretty freaking good. The best segment of Raw in a walk (and possibly the best segment all year … every bit as good as the Alberto Del Rio/Big Show beef, but for totally different reasons) started with Team Rhodes Scholars doing their version of the New Age Outlaws entrance gag. If you haven’t seen Raw yet, please, God, watch this video. It’s better than you’d even expect. Cody Rhodes doing guitar noises! “Your posterior better contact someone at once!” Taste and decency! BEST FRIENDS! Air quotes for “down.” THEY’VE GOT TWO WORDS FOR YOU: YOU’RE WELCOME. Better yet, a portion of the crowd still yelling SUCK IT because they are trained puppies.
I don’t think a tag team has ever warmed my heart as much as these guys. Anyway, out quickly to spoil the fun were Dolph Ziggler’s dad and Bob Armstrong’s laziest son! Take it away, guys!
Worst: The New Age Outlaws Doing The New Age Outlaws Intro
Right at the beginning of the match, Road Dogg starts doing his old-timey dance and points to his dick a few times. Jerry Lawler, who is almost 70 years old, starts going HEH HEH HEH, which gives way to full HAW HAW HAWs and Michael Cole yelling (YELLING) “that’s some vintage Road Dogg right there,” as if the Road Dogg was going to do even one other thing. My brain starts going, “okay, time for the New Age Outlaws to do their thing and win, because whatever,” AND THEN THIS HAPPENED.
Better Than The Best Possible Best: BROCK LESNAR AIN’T GIVE A F**K ABOUT THE NEW AGE OUTLAWS
Firstly, I’d like to point out that Rhodes Scholars f**king skedaddled, because they are smart and know what happens when Brock Lesnar’s on the stage and you don’t disappear.
Secondly, I’d like to point out how much I enjoyed watching Brock Lesnar decimate the New Age Outlaws. Combining this with the whole “attacking Shawn Michaels” thing from SummerSlam, all we need now is a broken arm for X-Pac and a triple powerbomb into residue for Hornswoggle and we’ll have the entirety of D-Generation X handled. I mean, come on, how could you cheer for these guys? Even worse, how could you STILL cheer for them? Their toughest and coolest member literally pissed his pants on Raw two weeks ago. Just urinated all over himself. That’s who you’re cheering for.
Thirdly, I love what Paul Heyman becomes when Brock Lesnar is around. With Punk, Heyman is confident, but there’s always this feeling that he’s micromanaging a bunch of issues and problems. Punk’s mouth gets them into situations or Heyman ends up in a street fight or whatever and it’s weird. With Brock, Heyman just stands next to this f**king Mech of a human being and SHOUTS about how Brock Lesnar is going to hurt people and rip arms asunder and F5 babies, because BARACCCCCCK, LLLLLESNAR. It’s so good. I know it isn’t going to happen, but if Brock gets the duke on H again at Mania I’m going to dance in circles on my chair.
Best: Kofi Kingston Is Having The Best Matches Ever
It’s time to officially retire my John Morrison hatred for Kofi Kingston. In 2013, there haven’t been many wrestlers I’ve enjoyed more than Kofi. At the Royal Rumble, his “miraculous save” spot was phenomenally stupid. He had a match with the Big Show that ended in 10 seconds when Show just casually punched him in the face. He followed that up with a match against Damien Sandow where Sandow whomped him so badly R-Truth had to rush out and pretend Sandow had done something illegal. He followed THAT up with a match against Fandango where he stood in the ring for like a minute, didn’t wrestle, then went on Twitter to apologize. And here he is on Raw, jumping jump-first into Mark Henry’s path of destruction and getting HATE THROWN with a World’s Strongest Slam. Seriously, if Kofi’s year continues the way it’s been going so far, I’ll smile and look forward to every appearance he makes.
Also, Mark Henry is throwing kicks now.
BE AFRAID.
Best: This Had Better Lead To Cody Rhodes And The Bellas Double Dating With Kaitlyn And Derrick Bateman
We’re about to do a Cody Rhodes/Kaitlyn love story featuring Damien Sandow as the cool, popular friend and I am ALL FOR IT. I love that Damien Sandow is supposed to be the most cultured dude on the show and is clearly one of us. The guy talks a big game, but the only things we’ve seen him get excited for so far are the chance to nail a set of twins and a free footlong from Subway. He’s got the palate of a celebrity guest host!
I’m not a big fan of a Divas storyline revolving around who is or isn’t good enough to date “my man” or whatever, but at least Kaitlyn will be wrestling somebody again. I would give any amount of money to see Sara Del Rey in sweatpants, desperately trying to teach the six-years-of-experience Bellas how to throw a dropkick with both feet.
Additional note —
Worst: I Guess It Isn’t Hard To Tell The Bella Twins Apart Anymore
Hey Nikki, down in front.
Worst: I’m Down For The Mark Henry/Ryback Thing, But Man, Leave Poor 3MB Alone
Good stuff: Mark Henry appearing on more than one segment in a show makes me feel like I’m in the Twilight Zone. How long’s it been since that happened? Furthermore, any instance of Mark Henry showing up to split wigs (any wigs, any wigs at all) is appreciated and enjoyed. I’m looking forward to the Ryback/Henry showdown and assume it’ll be my “me against the crowd” moment at WrestleMania. I keep finding myself in those. It was Del Rio/Sheamus at SummerSlam and basically every match at Elimination Chamber. I’d love if it they used the Henry/Ryback match on Smackdown to have Henry just f**king TROUNCE Ryback, so Ryback can develop some sort of humility or nuance or character beyond “breathlessly yelling about meat.”
Anyway, yeah, if Mark Henry does have some kind of match involving Ryback at WrestleMania and you cheer for Ryback, you are dead to me. Just know that.
Poor Drew McIntyre. Mark Henry and Ryback took turns doing finishers to him to prove that they were … I don’t know, more hoss (?) than the other. It led to Ryback breaking out the “you ain’t NOTHIN'” insult from Michael Jackson’s ‘Bad’ video (which was pretty funny), but I wish Heath Slater and Drew McIntyre (and Jinder Mahal, for that matter) had something better to do than be cannon fodder for somebody else’s important moments. I guess that’s the downside to cheering for the jobbers and NXT guys … you get attached to them, and their perfectly acceptable role as “guy who doesn’t win” becomes insulting. Like, Heath Slater doesn’t need a title run or whatever, he’s exceptional at acting stupid and taking a move brilliantly and getting home before 10 o’clock. And here I am wishing that Heath Slater had a title run.
Best: Team Rhodes Scholars Are Important Again, I Guess!
so, this is fair
Regardless, Cody Rhodes and Damien Sandow almost got the win on Sheamus and Randy Orton (in a loose interpretation of “almost”) after wrestling earlier in the night, and it was pretty good, especially for a “Randy Orton trying to get people into position for the rope DDT” thing. Sheamus and Orton continue to be those weird top-shelf WWE stars who don’t have a lot of personality and exist only to say I LIKE YOU or I HATE YOU and just win all the time, but Cody and Sandow are dynamic enough to keep me interested. This is, of course, a placeholder for the inevitable Randy Orton turn (or Sheamus turn, if we’re lucky), which will give both of those guys Mania matches and leave Rhodes Scholars slumming it with Jimmy and Jey on the pre-show (if even THAT), but hey, a decent Raw tag match is an endangered species these days.
Worst: Antonio Cesaro And Wade Barrett Should Have A Title Unification Match And Somehow Both Lose
Here’s what I wrote about Antonio Cesaro in last week’s column, following his 8 minute loss to Ryback:
What I did enjoy, at least, is Antonio Cesaro getting to look like a tough, competent wrestler before going down. When he wrestles Randy Orton (as he’s done so many times), Cesaro looks okay, but he also looks like he’s waiting around for Orton to hit his big moves. He’s just finding complex ways to get onto the apron for the rope DDT or jump headlong into an RKO “out of nowhere” that is out of so specifically SOMEWHERE. That wasn’t the case against Ryback, who took as much as he gave, and got the victory at the end of a hot, physical sequence of moves. The European uppercut counter to the Meat Hook was a knockout blow, and when Cesaro set up for the Neutralizer with his El Generico hands waving around everywhere I thought, “wow, are they gonna let Cesaro win?” Of course, they didn’t, and that’s fine if you’re giving Ryback a showcase thing at Mania and relegating the US title to pre-show nothingness (or just regular nothingness). At least the finishing counters were cool. Cesaro’s too good to not land on his feet somewhere more interesting than Jobber To The Stars. You know, eventually.
That said, Antonio Cesaro once again got to look good in his 5 minute loss to World Heavyweight Champion Alberto Del Rio.
Here’s what I’ll write about Antonio Cesaro in the next 15 Raw columns, after he’s lost to everybody on the roster and is somehow still the United States Champion:
FFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU
Worst: “SAY SOMETHING”
Speaking of FFFFUUUUUUUUUU, a colossal, sustained “f**k you” goes out to that fan who decided to scream SAY SOMETHING during Kane’s backstage interview where he’s all quietly holding Paul Bearer’s urn and feeling badly because his FATHER JUST DIED. Even outside of kayfabe, an important performer in the history of the show you paid to see is being honored in a series of little moments and you are F**KING THAT UP because you are either drunk and ignorant or too ravaged by ADHD to accept humans when they are not dressed as Run DMC and dancing. I hate you so much, Say Something Fan. You are the problem. Do not ever go to a wrestling show again.
Best: Halle Berry Has Fire Powers, Or
Worst: This Is When A Continuity Guy Would Probably Come In Handy
I thought this segment was cute when I watched it. I got to see David Otunga again (YEAH) and the reveal that Halle Berry also has telekinetic pro wrestling fire powers was great. I also like that David Otunga had a camera crew in his house filming his phone call to Halle Berry, because that is such a David Otunga thing to do. And yeah, therapy tag team Kane is adorable.
But yeah, no, this was not a good idea. In the best interpretation of the character, Kane is a reformed rapist and murderer who as recently as January of last year handicapped a man, tried to drag him into a fire pillar that may or may not represent Christianity’s interpretation of Hell and attempted to kidnap a woman to convince a tangentially-related-to-the-situation guy about the value of embracing one’s inner hatred. He is also stalking a celebrity and physically threatened a co-worker who happened to be in a movie with her to get her personal information. This is … not cute.
Although it would’ve been pretty funny if he’d dropped the “my dad just died” line for sympathy.
Worst: “My Favorite Memory Of Paul Bearer Is The Last Time He Was Here Rest N Peace Sweet Prints” – Tout
This is the problem with doing an “honor this guy” Tout hashtag for a guy who never really did anything in WWE other than be funny and memorable. Like, even Paul Bearer fans would have trouble coming up with a great Paul Bearer memory that isn’t “something funny or memorable he did while Undertaker or Kane were talking/wrestling” or “that time he returned alongside Undertaker/Kane.” Now you’re gonna ask the same trogs that Tout catchphrases to remember something about him? They can’t even remember things about Randy Orton. All they can remember is “the viper” and “RKO,” because THEY ARE FIELD MICE WHO SOMEHOW HAVE COMPUTERS.
So yeah, I’m proud that you got on TV honoring Paul Bearer with that great memory of the time RATED R-SUPERSTAR kidnapped and tortured him. I’m glad he gave 40 years to the business so your fondest recollection of him could be “whatever he did last.”
Best: Brad Maddox Is So Awesome
You know what I love so much about Brad Maddox? The fact that the WWE Universe doesn’t know what to do with him. He’s different. He’s got a different cadence, like Jake Roberts or Arn Anderson used to, where the crowd is so used to ARGLE BLARGHLE I WILL COMMANDEER YOUR AIRPLANE HO KOGAN or whatever that a calm, serious dude seemed like a massive threat. And sure, Maddox isn’t in the same league as those guys, but he’s got the same vibe … he’s a sniveling, borderline-super-stupid little handsome boy who wormed his way into a WWE position and sold out his employers/assaulters (still haven’t totally figured that one out) to get a position of POWER. So now he’s showing up to make GM decisions, but he doesn’t really know how to speak in front of anybody or be convincing as a shouty asshole, so he does what he does. I think it’s brilliant. Every time he opens his mouth, I’m interested to hear what he says. That doesn’t happen a lot.
He’s just so legitimately weird. I want to hear him say more stuff. Sometimes in a Bane voice!
Worst: The Miz, Chris Jericho, Wade Barrett’s Movie And Everything Else
Remember that thing I wrote earlier about how Michael Cole and Jerry Lawler chucklemonster’d through the Highlight Reel, turning a bad segment into a horrifically offensive one? What was that about? Jericho spent the entire time unhappy with how his “set” looked and wouldn’t stop talking about it, Miz was Awful Babyface Miz, Wade Barrett continued his weird quest to get Dead Man Down over as the movie WWE audiences should want to see the least, and to top it all off, Jericho went FULL CENA with a Jim Carrey impression. In 2013.
That eventually turned itself into a match, with Jericho wrestling Miz and Wade Barrett on commentary. I like to refer to this match as “playing through the Intercontinental Championship story mode.” It’s the laziest possible wrestling writing … one guy’s the Intercontinental Champion. Two guys are wrestling for a shot at it. One guy throws the other guy into the champion while the champion does commentary. That turns into a threeway brawl. That ONLY COULD POSSIBLY set up a triple threat match for the Intercontinental title. It’s so, so tired, and about a thousand times worse when you put it after a talk show segment.
WWE, please consider having a match between Chris Jericho and Miz at WrestleMania with this stipulation: “the winner is the only person who ever gets to do talk show segments in WWE again, ever. EVER, CAPITAL LETTERS.” Have it end in a double countout about 9 seconds into the match and have Vince announce that now nobody except Roddy Piper ever gets to do talk show segments again. This should be followed by Roddy Piper maybe doing one or two more Pipers Pits ever, and only when you’ve written something really great for them.
Best: Sin Care-A
Stop making me like Jack Swagger and Zeb Colter, WWE. YOU STOP DOING IT THIS INSTANT.
It’s hard for me to maintain a healthy “I appreciate what they’re doing, despite not agreeing with what they say or do” attitude toward these guys when Swagger’s lipsy WEEEE, THA PAPAL thing is so much fun to chant in real life (try it at the grocery store) and Zeb is straight-up calling Sin Cara “Sin Care-a” and accusing luchadors of jumping (plancha’ing?) over the border. It’s reprehensible content made SUPER CATCHY. It’s like the Ke$ha song of pro wrestlers. Here I am dancing my ass off to ‘Die Young’, not giving f**k one that it’s about a lady who is disappointed that she can’t hook up with a guy she met in the club because she’s pretty sure he’s got a big dick.
Zeb Colter’s pro wrestling aptitude dick is SEVERE.
Best: Super Heel CM Punk
Brock Lesnar versus Zack Gowen may have a new contender for Most Despicable WWE Heel Moment in my heart. If you don’t remember, Brock Lesnar broke the one leg of a one-legged wrestler IN FRONT OF HIS MOM while she screamed for him to stop. He followed that up by pushing the one-legged kid with the one broken leg in a wheelchair DOWN A FLIGHT OF STEPS.
On Raw last night, CM Punk interrupted the TOTALLY NOT MAKING ME CRY Undertaker tribute to Paul Bearer and shat all over his memory, then followed it up by beating up Kane with his own father’s urn. It might not beat Brock for least reasonable heel thing, but it’s close, and exactly what CM Punk needs if they’re gonna make people boo him at big events (not gonna happen) or make us think he’s got a shot in Hell of beating Taker at Mania. He doesn’t, but they should be working hard to make us think he does. My only complaint is that WWE spent all night yelling THAT URN IS A SYMBOL, A SYMBOLIC SYMBOL OF THE UNDERTAKER’S POWER. I was a little bugged that they don’t mind saying Taker and Kane have lightning and fog and fire powers, but think “the urn is the source of his power” is too much. I guess they did it so people wouldn’t think Paul Bearer was IN the urn, which would’ve been AWESOME. Especially if Punk had found an excuse to dump it out on somebody.
If you’re gonna get gross about real-life deaths, go all the way with it.
Best: Top 10 Comments Of The Week
85
If the Shield really wanted to look like the Bossman they could show up at Paul Bearer’s funeral.
LastTexansFan
Dear HHH
burgermike
Billy Gunn’s bald spot would be perfectly fixed by Lesnar’s thin plate of hair.
Downbound
Well, tune in next week when Triple H responds to Brock Lesnar.
Then, tune in the next week to watch Brock Lesnar sign his half of the contract.
Then, tune in the following week to watch Triple H sign his half.
Then, tune in the week after that to watch Brock Lesnar announce the stipulation.
Then, make sure to tune in that next week to watch Triple H respond to Brock’s stipulation.
Then, tune in, to…oh look, Wrestlemania was 2 weeks ago.
Harry Longabaugh
Jinder Mahal is hiding under Slater’s corpse, hoping no one will notice him.
GregVersion2
I haven’t seen a Scotsman treated like that since the ending of Braveheart
threeve
Can we start calling Reigns Spear the Pilum?
Whole Lotta Denim
My favorite Paul Bearer moment was when David Schwimmer finally kissed Gwyneth Paltrow
SpecialRef
That segment was courtesy of Vladimir Nabokov
ShiningWizard
“Punk has the urn! VINTAGE KAMA”
See you next week, everybody.
